Ray Garton: Violent Porn Disguised as Literature

I read whenever I get the chance. I go through a book a day, at times. So recently when The Dollar Tree had a bunch of paperbacks for only $1 a piece, I snapped them up. If something's not worth reading, I can always give it to charity or throw it away if it's a true piece of garbage.

Most of them are true pieces of garbage.

I read a wide variety of books, with the exception of autobiographies: Spare me from autobiographies. But at The Dollar Tree, I found a huge amount of horror and Sci Fi novels, and bought about ten of them.

As yet, I've skimmed through all of them because they're simply not worth reading.

There is one author that stood out among the rest: His name is Ray Garton.

Garton apparently won The World Horror Convention Grand Master Award. Did they honor him with this award after reading his novels? I hope not. Because these novels are violent porn, disguised as literature.

In one novel that I've skimmed so far, Garton has anally raped two heroines, followed by gang raping them (using thirteen men). In the coup de grace, he viciously decapitated one and mailed her head to her husband. The other was then repeatedly raped by a woman. Oh, and did I mention that Garton is highly descriptive?

In another of his novels, a victim is brutally raped by a werewolf in the first chapter.

Garton attempts to take no responsibility for these actions by portraying the men in these women's lives as being very sympathetic. It's almost as if he's saying "See? I'm on the good guy's side!" while he's relishing the details of the vicious rapes. This also allows the male reader to say and do the very same thing.

This literature should hardly be on The Dollar Tree's shelves. In my youth, it would have been hidden in the back of the bookstore, in the Adult section (at best). Now it's available to anyone who accidentally picks it up, believing it to be a "bargain".

Garton mentions his wife at the beginning of his books. He extols her praise and thanks her for her support. Really? She's supportive of this? She should not be supportive of this, or any other such garbage which relishes the brutalization of women.

Shame on Garton, shame on his wife, and shame on The Dollar Tree for selling such evil.

Jaycee Dugard: What Elizabeth Smart Could Have Become

(age progression from age 11 to age 25, courtesy of the National Center of Missing and Exploited Children)

Many of us were stunned to find that Jaycee Lee Dugard was alive after eighteen years. She was kidnapped at age 11, and is currently 29 years old. If I had been her mother, I would have given up all hope. And I believe where there's life, there's hope.

However, at this point, she and her two children will need a lifetime of therapy to even begin to approach normalcy.

The picture above would only show Jaycee the way she would look in ideal circumstances. However, as details have emerged, it has become apparent that she and her children have led a life of great deprivation. She can hardly be expected to look this good.

During her time in captivity, she was repeatedly molested by her kidnapper, Phillip Craig Garrido. As a result, she produced two daughters: A fifteen year old that was born when Jaycee was only fourteen years old, and an eleven year old.

Phillip Craig Garrido was reportedly very "religious" (as Elizabeth Smart's captor was) and that's what ultimately was his undoing (just as it was the undoing of Elizabeth's captors).

As more details emerge, it becomes increasingly obvious that Jaycee cooperated with her captors just as Elizabeth did. And yet, Jaycee was also very cooperative with the legal authorities as well, which shows that her brainwashing wasn't complete.

Perhaps Elizabeth Smart, now a successful and mentally healthy college student, will be willing to meet with Jaycee as she sorts out the nightmare that she has lived for eighteen years.

Most of us find such an experience almost beyond imagining. But perhaps most amazing of all is the revelation which came to parents who had mentally buried their daughter many years ago.

Recent Celebrity Death

Michael Jackson Was Murdered

The official report is that MJ was murdered due to a massive drug overdose at his request. Yes, MJ's doctor administered the fatal dose. But even though drug dealers might hand an addict that final, lethal dose... it is the addict's choice to take it.

Should his doctor be charged? Yes, of course.

But at what point do we hold the "victim" responsible as well? Let's not lose focus on the fact that MJ made some horrific lifestyle choices that finally caught up with him.

Ted Kennedy is Dead

Ted's moved on to the great Chappaquiddick in the sky. Years ago I watched a very disturbing movie called "What Dreams May Come." It doesn't show the classic version of hell: Instead, hell becomes whatever your worst fears are.

Will Mary Jo Kopechne be there to greet him with open arms or will his version of hell find him eternally drowning in the same car he left Mary Jo to die in?

I can't help but believe that Ted didn't end up in a happy place, despite what others may protest.

He will now be eulogized with great fanfare, and the only thing sweeter will be the sugary frosting on a cheap bakery cake.

But all I can think about is Mary Jo Kopechne: Alone, cold, trapped, and drowning.

Artist Jane Wooster Scott: Racist?

As most of you know, I am a moderate. I also have a great deal of common sense, which is why I don't scream "Fire!" in a crowded theater, or "Racism!" unless it's blatant.

But I was shocked to find a famous Americana artist had recently produced a work of art that appears to me to be questionable at best.

My best friend (Pov) has a teenage daughter who is obsessed with jigsaw puzzles. Knowing this, we all buy her jigsaw puzzles whenever we can. If I opened a Christmas present to find a jigsaw puzzle, I would be sorely disappointed. However, there is nothing that Bugs likes better. A friend of her mother's recently donated over fifteen puzzles, and Bugs got to work.

The problem with Bugs' puzzle obsession is that once they're assembled, she can't bear to take them apart. That means that either her mother or I end up spending vast amounts of time covering the puzzles in Mod Podge and mounting them so that she can either keep them, give them to friends and family, or donate them.

This weekend I decoupaged about ten puzzles. I ran it like a production line, which is why I didn't notice this puzzle until the Mod Podge had dried. It's titled "Flights of Fancy." (click on the picture to view it in a larger version):


Now: What is wrong with this picture? (Hint: Look at the roller coaster)

That's right. The Confederate Flag is pasted all over it. I've written about the Confederate Flag before. I find it to be offensive for two reasons: It is a defeated flag, and it has become a symbol of racism.

But I thought, "OK. There are still some simpletons who think that it's 'charming'... that it's symbolic of a culture and not overt racism." So, I looked for the token black person(s) that might offset it.

I can't find any. And I looked over this puzzle diligently.

Could this be a simple oversight? Possibly. But I find the combination highly distasteful, none the less.

Perhaps Wooster Scott would argue that this is supposed to be a piece of Americana before (or during) the Civil War. However, the outfits are post Civil War era. I grant you that this was definitely a time of racism, but do we really want to celebrate it?

I am amazed that Wooster Scott's paintings are so popular. They're hardly my style. I enjoy art that appears to take true time, maturity, and thought. Her artwork looks as if a sixth grader did it. I would praise the sixth grader, but I can't praise a full-grown adult who produces such primitive art.

However, her paintings are apparently collected by some major celebrities, including "Marty Allen, Marlon Brando, Carol Burnett, Robert Conrad, Charlton Heston, Paul Newman, Leonard Nimoy, Victoria Principal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sidney Sheldon, Nancy Sinatra, Sylvester Stallone and Loretta Swit... the list goes on."*

I wonder which one has Flights of Fancy hanging in their living room?

* from mgcpuzzles.com

No Privacy With Blogger

By now, most of you know of the Liskula Cohen case in which she sued Google and succesfully won the right to discover the identity of a woman who was making disparaging comments about her online.

Were those comments accurate or slanderous? Not knowing Cohen, I couldn't say. But I do know that Cohen has dealt a severe blow to anonymity on the net.

For many who treasure their anonymity, this will mean a rush to alternative solutions such as IP anonymizers, but even those are not infallible.

I am not ashamed of what I write, but I hide my identity due to other reasons. For instance:

1. There are some groups that I definitely disagree with. These are groups who are not known for their debating skills or honesty. At best, they can harass you in unpleasant ways which make you wish you hadn't spoken up at all. At worst, their idea of a good debate can end with someone beheaded.

2. I am a professional business person. It is always wisest to never leave a trail that a potential client or employer may disagree with. Although it is smart to keep your opinions to yourself in the workplace, this rule should not bleed into your personal life. Writing under a pseudonym gives us all the opportunity to be ourselves without worrying about how it may impact our livelihoods.

Ultimately, honest opinions may be labeled as hate speech. At that point, none of us will be safe. Are you gay and you hate organized religion? Wait until the Catholic Church sues you.

Are you a Baptist who speaks out against Muslim repression? Wait until someone from the local mosque decides that he should put a fatwa (i.e. "hit") out on you and your family.

The KKK could target blacks, the Black Panthers could target whites.

Liskula Cohen's case is complicated by the fact that she's a minor celebrity. It's generally agreed that the public is free to speak about public figures. If not, Perez Hilton is out of business. But there are so many gray areas that it's safer to speak freely behind the mask of an assumed identity.

Blogger may have just taken away this freedom.

What is Really Going On With the Healthcare Protesters

We see it everywhere in the news: Protesters are showing up at townhall meetings about healthcare and are making spectacles of themselves. The left accuses the right of orchestrating the protests, the right declares that even the average person sees the flaws in the proposed system and the rioting is simply natural.

How can the "average person" see those flaws?

An article in CNNMoney.com, titled 5 Freedoms You'd Lose in Healthcare Reform, states "To be sure, it isn't easy to comb through their 2,000 pages of tortured legal language." If so, then how can the average Joe be showing up at the townhall meetings to protest all the problems in the proposal? Surely it's obvious that he's been given a translation... slanted, of course, from the viewpoint of the translator.

I don't believe that Obama's proposal is completely perfect, and the CNN article certainly highlights some of the flaws. But we are not dealing with rational people or rational arguments when we involve rhetoric.

I am tired of seeing Big Business paying off enough people to smother any true debate. And I'm not saying that the individual protestors are being paid to protest. Most of them are entirely unaware that they're being manipulated, even as they think their opponents are being manipulated.

But the people doing the manipulation (such as conservative talk show hosts) are being paid either directly or through the magic of influence peddling. And, sadly, they are working up those individuals who are enjoying their 15 minutes of fame. Don't believe it? Take a look at this highly transparent interview between Sean Hannity and Katy Abram.

Are these protestors any better than the average street Muslim in a third world country who gets worked up after a rousing Friday sermon by his local Imam? Yes, because they aren't being incited to mayhem and murder. But these "Average Joes" seem to be almost as pliable.

I am a conservative-leaning moderate who is opposed to some things on each side of the aisle. There is an article by Joel Kotkin that beautifully sums up my current viewpoint of the system, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Kotkin points out the flaws in both parties right now, and I wish it were mandatory reading for everyone on Capitol Hill.

Until we find a true party that represents the people, we are doomed.

Currently, we have none.

What is a Slumlord?

I own a mobile home in a very bad area. I had purchased it for my "friend", Zen, because she needed it (it was a rent-to-own arrangement). Zen then went on drugs (as did her son) and they trashed it and stopped paying on it, and I was forced to evict them. Now I'm stuck with it.

I could have sold it already, but because Zen owed me so much money, it would've been a terrible loss. So, I decided to rent it out while I figured out what to do. Finding a decent renter in that neighborhood was difficult, but thankfully the police have been intent on cleaning up that area by harassing everyone who sets foot there. This isn't necessarily the right way to do it, but I have access to a little higher quality renter as a result of it.

Still, there is little profit to be made there. Although it's one of the nicest trailers in the park, it has termites. It's expensive to treat termites (you have to tent the place) and because all the other trailers have them, it's only a matter of time before they infest your property once more. So, I do alternative treatments which aren't as effective but are not cost prohibitive.

Does that make me a slumlord?

At the risk of self-justification, I'd say no. I'm doing the best with what I've got. It's not as if I'm rich or will get rich by renting the @%$& thing.

So what is a slumlord?

Today the St. Pete Times has an article on a local would-be politician, Fabian Calvo. They say he's a slumlord, and from the description, I have to agree. If these are his business practices, let's hope he can never make any decisions on behalf of us. What's scary is that this guy is a conservative politico, full of rants and raves against liberals and "socialism".

Gee, thanks, Calvo. You are the reason we moderates are moderate.

What's amazing to me is that this idiot actually is running for a House of Representatives post. Obviously he'll never get it now (I hope) but the fact that he had the chutzpah to run at all simply amazes me.

Governmental Contracts

I spent all day yesterday going over a contract that was issued by Pinellas County (which is part of the Tampa Bay area). By the end of it, my head was swimming.

There were so many errors, omissions, and downright disagreements in that contract that it took pages to document it all.

I'm a moderate that believes in governmental healthcare (I've discussed this previously) and I think that we desperately need to reform our healthcare system. I've heard the conservative pundits claim that over 80% of us are insured and I know that this is not true. I've seen the evidence to the contrary and I find it remarkable that someone can repeat such a fabrication with a straight face. In fact, experience alone has shown me that this simply is not the case.

But insurance companies make a huge profit (they are known as "The Silent Bankers" among financiers) and you can be guaranteed that they are throwing everything they can into the fight, including paying off whomever they can to spread their message.

On the other hand, the system will need to be run efficiently and well and common sense will be required. They cannot do as they have always done by giving contracts to the lowest bidder, as this results in a continual drop in the quality of service. There must be a better way.

And the government must do the same with their personnel: Cheapest is by no means best. A poorly paid employee is no bargain. At best you have an employee filled with resentment who is continually looking for work elsewhere. At worst, you have someone who has been promoted to his level of incompetancy.

To do governmental healthcare the right way, the government needs to rethink it's entire system. If they don't, they might as well hand it over to Pinellas County.

Swamp Cabbage Recipe

I was talking to a co-worker at lunchtime and by the end of it all, I was positively drooling. First he shared his recipe for Lo Mein, which is basically cooked wheat pasta with stir-fried chicken breast and assorted vegetables in sesame oil with appropriate seasonings. Then he talked about Jamaican Jerk Pork.

Since he was so into cooking, I shared an old "Cracker" recipe.

Crackers are true, deep-south Florida natives. They're pretty rare these days, as most of them have died out and those of us who are natives in this area usually have parents who were northerners or were influenced by yankees as we were growing up. An old-fashioned Cracker talks with a deep drawl and usually grew up with no air conditioning in the middle of scrub palmettos, rattlesnakes, and pine trees.

Years ago, my ex-husband worked with an old Cracker. He shared a recipe with us that we absolutely love. It's something his mother and her mother before her used to make. They used "Swamp Cabbage" (which is the heart of the palmetto tree) but now we use regular cabbage.

Take a pound of smoked bacon, and chop it up. Fry it until it's crispy, draining the fat regularly into a mug or bowl. Make sure you wipe the side of the pan whenever you drain it, as the fat will drip on the burner and smoke.

Remove the cooked bacon and drain it on paper towels. Pour enough bacon grease back into the frying pan to cover it. Take at least half a head of cabbage, chopped, and put it into the frying pan along with generous amounts of salt and pepper. Keep stirring it until the cabbage has been reduced and is translucent. Add more cabbage, grease and seasonings as desired.

When all the cabbage is cooked down, stir the bacon back into the mix and serve with baking powder drop biscuits on the side.

Voila! Heart attack on a plate ... and it's sinfully good.

Needless to say, we eat this only once a year.

Tidbits

Florida Highway Patrolman Fired Because He Didn't Give Out Enough Tickets

An FHP trooper was let go primarily because he didn't meet his ticket quota. I love this validation of what many of us know but police departments deny: Cops do have ticket quotas.

Teenagers are Nature's Form of Birth Control

I've been having problems with Sonosaur lately, and was complaining to my mother. "Oh, we understand," Mom assured me. "One day after a difficult battle with you, your father turned to me and said 'Why didn't we just go bowling on the night she was conceived?!' ...and he hates bowling."

I Will Blog on Wednesday and Friday This Week

My apologies for neglecting you. I've been swamped with work, but it's no excuse when I can write something short and pithy, grab a cup of coffee, and hit the door. I'll be blogging regularly from now on.

Snail Mandelbrot Icecream

Lately I feel as if what I'm hearing from our leaders is nothing but a series of pithy sounding words and phrases, strung together in an attempt to sound more knowledgeable than they are.

What's new, right?

We are facing the world pandemic of Swine Flu which is destined to be extraordinarily serious, there is a new strain of the AIDS virus, and the pneumonic plague (which kills in 24 hours) has resurrected itself in a small town in China.

However, today everything goes on as it always has. Hillary Clinton has declared that we're "committed" to Africa's future. Yeah, we should be committed all right: Africa has little to offer us (except new versions of AIDS) but we are bound and determined to lavish attention on them. Why? It's not simply because Obama's relatives reside in Africa, because this sort of stupidity took root in the Bush administration.

The big news is the debate over the "successful" Cash for Clunkers program. How successful is it? It depends on who you ask.

There are some very good reasons why Cash for Clunkers is detrimental to our society, but even so, I am not going to stand on principle. If it's around when I'm ready to take advantage of it, I'll do so. But throughout this debate all I hear is a great deal of waffling without openly addressing the true concerns that arise from this program. Instead, the real issues are discussed in print by the people who cannot make the decisions for us.

How about a little attention to the genuinely serious issues, guys? I think we're going to need it. Right now we're looking at worsening economic conditions, potentially serious plagues that will or can find their way here combined with a lack of decent health coverage, and a rising sense of hysteria among the jobless.

But obstreperous juju masticus is key, while finagling the snitterbawls in August. I believe that we are perspicacious when we say that it is all purely scatalogical.

Hamster on a Wheel

I wish I could post more than I do, but it's next to impossible lately. The company that I work for part time has engulfed me and I find that I am often up at sunrise, and working til sunset and beyond.

I was hired as a consultant and general Jack-of-All-Trades for this business, but it may have been too late. The business was already floundering and it may be that nothing can bring it back. I am too busy putting out fires to help push us ahead. I'm exerting energy but getting nowhere.

All this, and that company may still go under. This economy is destroying so many of us, and the businesses we work for and there is no end in sight. Frankly, I think things will get worse and (unlike government predictions) they may never get better. We may be seeing an entire restructuring of the way that we live.

How's that for your Happy Friday post?

Obama Takes Time for a Beer

Barack Obama has decided that he needs to take important time away from the health care debate, the economy, and world events and turmoil. What's so important?

A beer with a disgruntled, racist black Harvard professor and the cop that was forced to arrest him.

Now the press is breathlessly speculating on what beer Obama will choose. ABC News pronounces that Obama's choice of beer could make or break a particular brand.

Puhleeze. Who cares?

One thing's for sure: He won't be choosing Colt 45.

Why is Obama taking such a personal interest in this fracas? Because he foolishly opened his mouth (before he knew all the facts) to chide the police for arresting the idiot. Now he's saving face.

And they say racism isn't dead. I agree: Obama is living proof of that.

If the officer had any guts, he'd turn down the invite... whether Obama's serving Colt 45 or champagne.

The Latest Harry Potter Movie Has No Magic

I am the only one in my family that likes the Harry Potter series.

My son doesn't like the series, which has always puzzled me. I chalk it up to his father, who is a Christian extremist who used to tell him that Harry Potter was "of the Devil" (so to speak) and wouldn't allow him to read the books when he was younger, no matter how much I fought it or tried to explain the concept of "fantasy".

So, when "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" came to the theatre, my best friend Pov was kind enough to text me a reminder and ask if I wanted to go. Sonosaur remained silent on the issue.

Deciding that opening night would be insane, we opted to go the next night, dragging our children with us. Needless to say, Sonosaur was less than thrilled but at least I didn't have to literally drag him through the theatre.

When the exhaustingly long movie ended, I felt forced to apologize to everyone for it. Here I'm the fan, and I was bored silly.

I think the primary problem behind it is that Harry Potter himself has lost his wonder of it all. He is no longer enchanted by what the latest potion can do. He is not amazed any more by the fabulous toys and gadgets. And since we see everything through the eyes of Harry Potter, we find ourselves a little jaded as well.

Additionally, the actor who plays Harry Potter has not turned into a talented actor in his older years. Daniel Radcliffe's acting is wooden, and even his laughter rings false. Perhaps there is no amount of coaching in the world that will solve that, but I would think the studios should be hell-bent to try.

When he was not in the Harry Potter series, Daniel was busy acting the fool by appearing in "Equus", a horrid, esoteric stage play in which he got to prance about naked. Perhaps this hasn't helped his acting ability. It's a great shame, as he's surrounded by talent.

I am sorry to say that this may be the last Harry Potter movie I ever choose to see in the theatres. Like other movies that are suspect, I will wait till the next ones come out on DVD.

Gold Isn't the Answer: Barter Is

It's bad everywhere, I realize that. But it keeps getting worse. Here in Florida, state unemployment is the highest since 1983, and the Unemployment Benefits office is besieged by calls. Their volume is so high, it's making the news.

Everywhere you go, every discussion turns to the economy.

My best friend, Pov, just lost his job.

I still have my two jobs, but the new one may not last long because the owner, Claire, is out of cash and can't even make the current payroll.

The two luxury yacht salesmen I know have lost their jobs. This is truly a bad sign, because (in general) wealthy people keep spending no matter what.

In the thrift stores, signs are posted begging for donations. No one is donating right now because everyone is hanging on to what they've got, putting off replacing whatever it might be.

I recently went to Synovus Bank to cash a check. While I was there, the teller leaned over and confided to me that they had all just had a pay cut but it was better than losing their jobs altogether. I didn't know this woman - she's a total stranger who apparently is on the edge.

I was in the store the other day and a pleasant-looking older woman accosted me, begging me to pass on her personal information if I knew of any jobs out there. "I'll do anything," she emphasized. "Scrub toilets, whatever it takes. I'm desperate." She was a former cosmetics counter manager for a major department store.

This is what networking has come to. We no longer want to find a better job: Any job will do.

You hear shills on the radio encouraging you to invest in gold. Sure! I'll just take that extra several thousand dollars I've got stuffed in my mattress and I'll buy a couple of coins.

Obviously buying gold isn't the answer, but it's unaffordability is only one reason. Here's another:

Gold is not a common currency, so you'll have to eventually convert it into cash anyway. And if cash is worthless at that point, you can't even do that. All you will be able to do is trade it.

At that point, good luck finding someone who is willing to trade for a solid gold coin. You might find the occasional person who will, but they will be very subjective in evaluating what that gold coin is worth to them personally. They will know that it's not an easily tradeable commodity and that will actually devalue your "investment".

If we're returning to the economy of the early 80s, we need to look to the solutions they had in the early 80s. Barter became the solution to many problems, and it probably will again.

What was bartered? Services and items. Couches that at one time would have ended up in thrift stores were bartered for computer services. Haircuts were bartered for home-cooked meals or babysitting services.

There were two types of bartering groups:

1. The kind that directly exchanged services and goods.
2. The kind that converted all services and goods into "Barter Bucks" that could be spent at will among other members of the group.

My ex-husband and I belonged to both types of groups. The second was a much superior idea, but it only works when a large number of people have banded together. This would work, for instance, with Craig's List participants, but Craig's List would have to see a need for this and create it.

It's time to get out some of the old ideas and dust them off once more. It's time to get creative.

The Inhumanity: Corporate "Homemade" Food

I am so very sick of hearing people say "Oh the humanity!" whenever there is something horrible that has occurred. I hear it echoed on the radio, in ads, and on television. It makes my skin crawl because, of course, the true phrase is "Oh the inhumanity!"

Of course it could be argued that the human race is intrinsically evil and it's much more accurate to bemoan it by saying "Oh the humanity". More accurate, perhaps, but it's certainly not what the original phrase intended. It was predicated on the mistaken belief that people are inhumane when they do something evil.

Which leads me to another grammatical pet peeve of mine:

How is it that corporations and restaurants can boast "homemade" anything? Do they farm it out like a cottage industry to little old ladies on social security? Is each batch specially whipped up in a warm, clean kitchen in someone's home? I picture little old ladies everywhere, bringing vats of soup to the backdoors of restaurants throughout the nation.

In my kitchen, as I write, there is a large box of "homemade" pecan brittle by Russell Stover. My, but those little old ladies are busy. You'd think a corporation as big as Russell Stover could find a more efficient and cost-effective way to produce the stuff.

Oh the inhumanity!

A Successful Blackberry Transfer from Sprint to Metro PCS

I finally got my Crackberry back. I am relatively happy now, though there are minor glitches which are probably due to my converting it from a Sprint Blackberry Curve to a Metro PCS one. The biggest problem I have is that I can't seem to download the applications needed connect it to my Gmail account and I have to access the web to get to my email.

By my calculations, it has to hold up for 9 months for me to break even. I'm not worried about that: This thing seems to be highly durable. I already dropped it from shoulder height to a tiled floor and it didn't even get a nick. Of course I am a notorious klutz...

The shady operation that performed the transfer tried to ding me for another $25 on top of their original $75 charge because it was somehow more difficult to do than they originally anticipated. After I threw a total fit in their lobby in front of three other potential customers, they let it go for $75.

Overall, I spent $275 in lieu of the $400 that Metro PCS would have charged. Some might sneer at a savings of $125, but it's still a savings and I'm happy.

Michael Jackson: Dead Freak

I wasn't going to talk about Michael Jackson any more. Really. But some idiot keeps attempting to post something that goes like this:

"Leave Michael ALONE! He is DEAD! Let that man rest in PEACE!"

It reminds me of the "Leave Britney Spears ALONE" whiner on YouTube.

Since when are we supposed to rewrite history? If we are banned from telling the truth about people after they're dead, let's throw out the history textbooks. If we're going to apply that rule to everyone, then:

1. Hitler was a talented architectural artist, with a great taste in classical art, and was a military genius.

2. Marilyn Monroe was a virginal, innocent beauty.

3. American slavery never existed. After all, all those slavers are dead now. In fact, should we call them slavers? Perhaps "People Merchants" is a more politically correct term.

Spare me from fools.

As I wrote before, it is not possible to exploit Michael Jackson. The man begged for publicity. He even demanded that MTV begin calling him The King of Pop. What, you thought that title came from nowhere? I want to be called The Grand Poobah, but MTV isn't returning my calls right now.

Yes, Jackson's daughter proclaimed him to be the best father in the world. But what could she compare him to? It's not as if she had a normal childhood, and kids are notoriously gullible. For all she knows, it's normal to live in seclusion, wear mardi gras masks in public, and have a black father who pretends he's a white woman. And perhaps Jackson didn't molest her: He was notoriously fond of boys.

Interestingly, McCauley Culkin didn't attend the memorial service and has issued no statements about Jackson's death, despite his former public (and probably paid-for) statements denying that Jackson had ever molested him. And people who were molested as children often have very conflicting emotions about the molestors, for varying reasons. If he was molested by Jackson, I'm sure that Culkin wants to put this behind him.

So what if Jackson was beaten by his father? Many people were abused as children but made the choice to live wholesome lives as adults. A sordid past is a reason, but it is never an excuse for future behavior.

If Michael Jackson were still alive, he'd be enjoying this publicity. Perhaps somewhere, somehow, he is tearfully whispering into a microphone in his faux falsetto that he is ever so grateful for his fans, but why can't everyone just leave him alone? It's not like he's ever done anything to deserve all this! Oh, and by the way, that's "King of Pop". Yes, Pop. Capital P.

My Crackberry

Want to hear something really smart that I just did?

Yeah, me too. Too bad I can't come up with anything.

I am a Metro PCS customer. Overall, it's a great, cheap service and I enjoy using it. They don't drop calls nearly as much as they used to, and if you call customer service and pretend that you want to buy something, you can actually speak to a live person and not an overly cheerful pre-recorded message which answers precisely none of your questions.

So, Metro PCS is about as helpful as your average cellphone provider.

However, they recently added Blackberrys to their line of phones. The way Metro PCS works, you have to buy the phone outright because their service is so cheap, this is the only way they make significant profit. And the new Metro PCS Blackberrys were exhorbitantly expensive about a month ago: $550. I see the price has now dropped to $400.

So, I figured I'd beat the system. I'd go on Craig's List, find one of these that is being sold cheaply, and have it "flashed" to Metro PCS. So, I bought a Blackberry Curve from a local college student for $200, and took it to the nearest Metro PCS store.

But Metro PCS was already ahead of me, here. They had figured that their customers might pull something like this, and it would greatly ding their profit margin. So, they outright refuse to "flash" such a phone over to their service.

Well, they don't exactly outright refuse. Instead, they tell you that they can do it, but you won't have any of the original features from the Blackberry and they can't provide them. In other words, your Blackberry suddenly becomes a generation zero cell phone and you might as well be walking around with a phone that looks like this:

So since the official Metro PCS store won't do it properly, one of the clerks slipped me a card for a guy who will do it. Apparently this is a very shady transaction, as they can lose their license to do business with Metro PCS if they go ahead and do it the right way, instead of the wrong way that Metro PCS wants.

Since then, I've been to a couple of these shady cell phone operators. The first two shook their heads after a while and pronounced it next-to-impossible to do. Each successive company looks a little shadier.

The most recent one had a group of gang members sitting around in the lobby, joking about Michael Jackson.

"Fudge packer," one pronounced, which brought a fit of giggles out in each of them.

"Fudge packer," another one agreed, shaking his head. More giggles ensued.

By the end of it, I'd head the word "Fudge packer" at least 20 times, and these simple souls were nearly on the floor due to the hilarity of it all.

I said nothing, as I had no idea if any of them was "packing" a weapon.

So, this particular shady operation has had my crackberry for three days now. I am still waiting to see if they're able to get it switched over to Metro PCS. If that doesn't work, I'm quite terrified as to where I'll be referred to next.

Of course this could all have been averted if Metro PCS was willing to make the whole transition a little easier. So, if I'm killed by the Fudge Packer Gang, I blame Metro PCS.

I'll try to text out my last words.

Police Sketches

The Gaffney SC serial killer was just shot and killed, supposedly putting an end to a killing spree that has been going on in a small town of only 13,000. The man identified as the serial killer is Patrick Burris.

However, the police sketch which had been released the day before looks absolutely nothing like Burris. Burris has a piggy nose, a round, flabby, oval face, and deep-set eyes. The sketch shows a man that looks more like Billy Bob Thornton (the actor).

The police claim that the gun recovered from Patrick Burris is the same gun which killed all of the victims. I am now old enough to know that police aren't always right, or honest, and I question the great discrepancy between the photo and the sketch of the killer.

Of course that isn't to say that Patrick Burris isn't the serial killer: He very well may be. But if he is, what does this say about the police sketch artist?

Why do we even bother with sketch artists? As Fox News reported, "Several studies have shown sketches are unreliable when it comes to identifying suspects, but many departments nationwide still use them." And we know that a sketch is only as good as the witness(es) who contributed to it.

Perhaps it's time for the South Carolina police to rethink their sketch artist. Maybe his or her salary would be better used toward something that will actually make a difference.