I Can Beat Any Mother-in-Law Tale

OK, yes. I admit it: My mother-in-law is right. How did she EVER guess that my whole wedding was an elaborate set-up to pacify my "husband" but we're not really married? I am in awe of her sheer genius and uncanny ability to see right through me. It gives me the chills.

I had to hire a lot of actors, but it was worth it. Bwahahaha! Of course it got rather expensive, and I still owe my friend Rene big bucks for playing the part of "Maid of Honor". That kind of talent doesn't come cheaply!

But my mother-in-law hasn't figured THIS out yet: I'm really a space alien with plans to dominate the earth. Viva la Revolution! BOW before ME, people of the earth! I will grind you all beneath the heel of my Antonio Melani boot.

(You're my paid friends and/or pretend family members. I'm counting on you to keep this a secret]

Some Recipes Are Like SciFi

I saw a great quote the other day: "Reading recipes is like reading science fiction. I get to the end and say, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"

 

I learned the pinch/dab method from my mother. Both Mom and her mom were great gourmet cooks and I am a wonderful cook to a point. But there are some recipes that simply don't interest me. You know the kind I mean: They have 10 ingredients or more, and at least one of the ingredients is something that you have to travel to the next city to find. I will not take that challenge. If I want something that fancy, I'll find a 5-star chef.

Frack That

When I was writing a series of green practices and procedures manuals for an educational group, I ran across the enheartening statistic that there are 100 years' worth of natural gas beneath the USA! Of course that could mean a lessened dependence on oil.

Perhaps some of you have heard of that natural gas claim? Sadly, it turns out to be incorrect.

Happy Fathers Day

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to every man who was strong enough to refrain from killing his children when he heard "Are we there yet?" for the 273rd time.

We live because they restrained themselves.

Bad Fido

I'm in the process of civilizing my parents' new puppy. The problem is that he lusts after my shoes. Austin finds it hysterical to watch me chasing Fido holding a (recently chewed) shoe in one hand, with Fido skidding all over my wood floors, until I finally corral him and bop him with it while shouting "Bad Fido! No shoes!"

My household has quickly degenerated into a Monty Python skit.

Avoid the Belcher Animal Clinic

I call Largo Feed (they have a vet that comes once a month) and it's $120 to vaccinate all three dogs.

 

So I call my regular vet's (the Belcher Animal Clinic in Clearwater, FL) and ask them how much they'd charge for the three dogs to get their yearly exam and shots. I very specifically mention that the Largo Feed vet is charging only $120. The receptionist leaves to consult someone, then comes back on the phone and tells me they'll do it for $140.  So, I figure what the heck? I'll go to the Belcher Animal Clinic for the convenience of it: What's $20 more?

 

WRONG.

 

They charged me $140 each.

 

When I tried arguing with the office manager, she very coolly told me that I must have misunderstood what had been said to me. I didn't misunderstand, and I was fool enough to pay for their mistake. I should have refused to pay.

An Unconventional "Raise"

My friend calls to tell me about the company restaurant which was just renovated. In addition to pouring money into a losing enterprise, "They've hired two chefs from The Hardrock Cafe," she tells me cheerily. The potato salad's great! Which is a good thing, cuz that's my raise, baby!"

Be Careful on the Water in This Weather

For my fellow Floridians: Be careful being on the water in this weather. We were at EG Simmons park yesterday evening when the coroner's unit arrived to inspect the body that washed ashore, and they said it was someone out kayaking the afternoon before. The water was choppy, the kayak was capsized, and hypothermia sets in quickly... They hadn't made a decisive identification, so the news hasn't hit the papers yet.

Romance

HE: [romantically] What are you thinking?
ME: Oh... Did I clip my toenails too short? What's that in the garbage? And why does my finger smell funny?

 This is the reason I was never made to be a romance novelist.

Suggestive Facebook Profile Photos

Here's what I want to say so badly to the women who post suggestive pictures of themselves on Facebook:  "Yes. We know you're proud of your body. Women who are strippers are remarkably athletic - most of us could never hope to imitate a pretzel. You're so thin, a sandwich is all that stands between you and death's door. Are those lace panties in your picture part of your work uniform?"

 

I am repeatedly surprised by women who value themselves by their looks only. Then again, perhaps that's all they have to offer.

Fighting City Hall

It's garage sale day, and the darned code inspectors keep stealing my signs (I guess I must PAY the city of Largo for the privilege of having a sign out). I finally put one out and smeared it with honey. It went too, but it went stickily...

The Dumbing Down of America, Exhibit A

EXHIBIT A for the state of the American Education System:

My friend posts a spoof about the danger of
velociraptors, I agree (and add an anecdotal tale). Now another woman is anxiously asking where we got this "information", how come she hasn't heard about it, and she is VERY concerned.

I am NOT going to show her any mercy by explaining it's a spoof. It's HER fault if she fell asleep in Science from grades 1-12.

The Quaker Steak n' Lube Car Show

My weekend started last night at the Quaker Steak n' Lube Car Show. There's nothing better than sitting around with a table full of Vietnam Vets and younger men, all into nothing but cars, guns, and women. The testosterone levels were outta sight!

My Alcoholic Neighbor

So my freaky alcoholic neighbor comes wandering by while my boyfriend is tinkering with my truck. He walks up to us and starts whining about how he just saw his wife with another man and somehow segues into talking about how married sex is better because you don't have to use condoms. "You know what I mean, my friend," he tells my boyfriend with a leer and a wink.

 

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Check Out My Butt

I am wearing a really nice pair of slacks today - they flow and swirl about elegantly. I was quite pleased with them... until someone pointed out that the circular patters all over them converge into a bullseye on my butt.

 

Note to self: Always look at your backside in the mirror before you leave the house. Or the department store.

Smells Like...

So my daughter and I are shopping in Yankee Candles, and we sniff this new fragrance called "Mountain Lodge." We turn to each other at the same time and say "Mmmm, smells like a man!"

Nothing like the smell of a clean guy.

Missing You

"I missed you," he said. "I grew desperate, and found myself re-reading
all those texts you sent me."

"Texts?" she said, utterly mystified. She couldn't remember sending him
any texts. "What did they say?"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Easter..." he replied.

Census Phone Call Follow-Up

I got a call yesterday from the Census bureau. They wanted to follow up and ask additional questions. When they told me I HAD to take their call and it was part of the census, I grew infuriated.

As I pointed out, I'd read nothing about that and it certainly hadn't been mentioned on the census. I'm betting it's not illegal to refuse to answer any additional questions when you've already completely and accurately filled out the questionnaire and sent it in.

Besides, what a great con job it would be if someone called supposedly from the Census Bureau, and asked additional questions (such as your social security number, bank account number, etc.) I wonder how many people would fall for that?

I get a little antsy - I like my privacy. What can I say?

In the end, I chose not to stand on principle and I answered their questions.

What a sell-out!

Islamorada: The Florida Keys

The Lucrative Rewards for Curing No One

A friend of mine almost died of a drug overdose this weekend.

As I have a "no drug" policy, I have a very hard time feeling any sympathy for someone who makes the self-indulgent choices that I choose not to make. However, because I was the only one this addict could turn to at the time, I was the one who went to the hospital. Twice. Once to take him there for the O.D., and once to take him back during his detox as he was puking up blood.

Yeah, drugs are fun.

I called his best guy friend "Dan", who is a recovered alcoholic. During the weekend drama, Dan texted me saying "Oxys are what's killing everybody, just had an old friend die. He needs to go to rehab."

To which I replied "He's been thru rehab 3-4 times in the last year and a half. He could TEACH it. He needs to simply make up his mind."

Dan wrote "Well then, we will just watch him die, if he doesn't get help somewhere because what u c now is him making up his mind."

And what I said is completely true, given the quality of our rehab clinics. You see, rehab clinics get a ton of government money to conduct classes and therapy sessions for people who have been convicted of illegal drug use, or who qualify for a government program through other avenues.

These clinics can also anesthetize an addict who is going through withdrawal symptoms, so the addict is basically sedated as they come down. This only makes it easier for the addict to get on the stuff again, as there is no real punishment for it: The addict doesn't associate any real pain with the process, and in his opinion, the pain he causes others isn't important.

It also means the clinics get repeat customers, which is very important. After all, short of becoming dealers themselves, they need a constant influx of customers to justify the public funds they're dipping into.

There is one lone voice, crying in the wilderness, and his name is Dr. Stanton Peele. But Dr. Peele's clinic is too successful, in that it teaches self-control and stops the psychobabble which enables the addict. So, Dr. Peele's clients have a vastly lower recidivism rate than standard drug rehab facilities. That makes Dr. Peele a great threat to these clinics, and obviously they all keep hoping he'll just shut up and go away.

So our clinics in the Tampa Bay Area are worthless (and I assume most of them are). As long as they keep coddling our addicts and telling them that their choices are not their fault, they will never get better.

Which is exactly why there are no effective drug treatment centers here.