Creepy Pastor

WELL: I just got a LinkedIn request from a pastor in Canada.

A pastor: What could be wrong? I accepted it and THEN did my research. He was arrested last fall for solicitation of a prostitute in New Hampshire.

That's when it all clicked into place.

I had been briefly in contact w/ him through email last fall concerning his forming a new church there, and hadn't heard from him since. Apparently he'd been arrested shortly after that and relocated to Canada, where he isn't well known. Imagine how quickly I figured out how to UNlink...

Conspiracy Theory Month

This seems to be Conspiracy Theory Month. In the last couple of days I've seen conspiracy theories propounded that I've questioned, and when the Conspiracy Theorist can't show any valid evidence, I eventually get "believe what you want" as their final rebuttle. I hate that phrase: As if I WANT to believe in fairies and unicorns. What I WANT is the truth.

Real Men

Thank heavens for real men like my dad, who although he is famous he is just "Dad" to me and is there for him when I need him. I am so blessed: I think of this especially because a dear friend just lost her father and I know a good father is to be treasured. Today he helped to "guy stuff" around my house. At age 76, he is a powerhouse.

Lucy Stoner

I'm a member of The Lucy Stone League (Lucy Stone was the woman who kept her name when she was married in the early 1900s). Most of the women are genuine, thoughtful, and sane, but then you get the occasional weirdo like this one:

"I threw out the whole tradition and went to the JP court. Gave my mom 24 hrs notice to be there, surprised my kids by having someone else bring them to the ceremony, surprised 2 of his by not getting a message to them until afterwards. Told him I wasn't changing my name when the clerk was issuing us the license. Oh, and I asked him and 4 days later we were married. Surprisingly, the clerk that married us skipped the obey part without having to be told. I guess she could just tell..."

HOW ROMANTIC. I hesitate to ask her why she bothered to get married in the first place - it sounds more like a harried business transaction.

Red Tide

So my husband and I went to the Venice Beach area with two others to look for sharks' teeth fossils on the beach. No one told us they had Red Tide.

It was very windy, gray, the waves were frothy and choppy - it looked just like Maine looks in the dead of winter during a storm. Thankfully it wasn't as cold.

We passed the sign that said "Red Tide: Proceed at Your Own Risk." We figured it couldn't be all that bad. I've had mild reactions to Red Tide before, and the other three have almost no allergies at all that I'm aware of.

After using my inhaler four times, my eyes began to sting. As I stumbled back to the car, they grew worse. By the time I made it to the car, my eyes were on fire, tears streaming down my cheeks. It was a deserted area, so I realized I was on my own. I ended up driving to the nearest Circle K, squinting through my burning eyes, grabbed Benadryl and eye drops, and popped 2 Benadryls while the girl rang me up.

When I got back, our guests stumbled up to the car and they looked like the survivors of a chemical attack! My husband soon joined them and everyone popped Benadryl as we kept passing the eye drops among ourselves.

The only way we could've left that area faster is if we were in The General Lee.

Racist Slur

I see an ad on Craigslist for a clothes washer. We go to this house where a pot bellied redneck comes strolling out to meet us. The washer is an old avocado green one that's been painted over in an attempt to make it look newer, and it's not worth the $75 he's asking. I point out the chipped paint and offer $50.

"Hey naw," the redneck drawls. "Ah KNOW what it's wuth. Yah cain't jew me down lak th...at."

WHAT??? Did that piece of ignorance just come out of his mouth? I can't hold back, so I lie (I know, lying is wrong - don't do this at home, kiddies).

"I find that very offensive," I say coldly, "since I am Jewish."

His eyes shift. "Er, uh, wahl it's awl good," he replies.

"No," I snap, "It ISN'T." And I turn on my heel and leave.

Moron.

No Need For Concern

While Austin was putting up Christmas lights, 3 police cruisers went by and a helicopter searched the neighborhood. Austin finally flagged down a cop who told him that "it wasn't something for the public to be concerned about."

Ten minutes later we heard siren wails as police cars raced down the road. Austin poked his head in the door and announced "The cops are now chasing whoever we aren't to be concerned about."

1/6 of the World Gone, Not With a Bang but With a Whimper

I just looked up abortion stats in Wikipedia and realized that a full 1/6 of the world's population has been aborted since 1973. O_o

5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention

I just saw an article titled "5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention: How to Keep Your Man Around for Good." I would expect to see that title from a woman's magazine in the 40s, but... really??? How about substituting "Spouse" for "Man" and making the article for everyone?

Besides: Everyone knows the top 5 ways to get a man's attention:

1. A shrill scream in the night.

2. Waiting till he drinks the milk out of the carton before you say "Ohmigosh! You didn't drink that, did you? I just heard on the news that they just found someone's finger in one of those cartons!"

3. Dog poop in front of the bathroom door.

4. Wearing a hat with long ostrich plumes to the beach.

5. Standing in a major parking lot singing "I'm a little teapot" while wielding knitting needles.

Kerfuffle

Your Word of the Day is "kerfuffle." Since this word sums up the current Presidential race, I assume you will use it liberally today. You're welcome.

Cuckoo

My parents got me a cuckoo clock when they went to Germany's Black Forest recently. It's awesome... except when I find myself saying something really stupid out loud and it's suddenly followed by a click, whir... and a "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

At those times, I'm awfully glad I'm not on a reality show.

Palmetto Bug

HOLY COW!!! The Palmetto Bugs (a.k.a roaches) down here in Florida are so huge they have landing gear! I have one that got in my house and. is. stalking. me. It is at least 3 inches long. I am about to have a heart attack. O_o

Mistaken Identity

So my friend, Terri, and I go to this bookstore. We pick out some cookbooks and a couple other books and go to check them out. The nice old lady strikes up a conversation with us and says how great those cookbooks look.

"Yeah," says Terri, "I LOVE to cookl"

"That's true," I chime in, "She's FANTASTIC."

"I'm really domestic," Terry adds. "I can't stop cleaning either."...

"That's true," I say. "She's a powerhouse."

"Well," replies the old dear to me, "That hardly seems fair. She does the majority of the work! You're one lucky lady!"

O_o

OK, I know I wear my hair short, but ...

Magazine Idea

Men have "manly topic" magazines full of half-dressed hotties. I think it's time for women to have cooking or craft magazines with half-dressed men holding up casseroles and knitted baby blankets! Michael's Craft Store should sponsor my idea.

Confession is Good for the Soul

For those of you who know about the crazy mother-in-law (known for being a compulsive liar):

Yesterday she told my husband that she hired a private eye to follow me around and he found out things about me that would shock him!

Yup: It's time to come clean about my sickness. I WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHES!!! There. I said it.

I Can Beat Any Mother-in-Law Tale

OK, yes. I admit it: My mother-in-law is right. How did she EVER guess that my whole wedding was an elaborate set-up to pacify my "husband" but we're not really married? I am in awe of her sheer genius and uncanny ability to see right through me. It gives me the chills.

I had to hire a lot of actors, but it was worth it. Bwahahaha! Of course it got rather expensive, and I still owe my friend Rene big bucks for playing the part of "Maid of Honor". That kind of talent doesn't come cheaply!

But my mother-in-law hasn't figured THIS out yet: I'm really a space alien with plans to dominate the earth. Viva la Revolution! BOW before ME, people of the earth! I will grind you all beneath the heel of my Antonio Melani boot.

(You're my paid friends and/or pretend family members. I'm counting on you to keep this a secret]

Some Recipes Are Like SciFi

I saw a great quote the other day: "Reading recipes is like reading science fiction. I get to the end and say, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"

 

I learned the pinch/dab method from my mother. Both Mom and her mom were great gourmet cooks and I am a wonderful cook to a point. But there are some recipes that simply don't interest me. You know the kind I mean: They have 10 ingredients or more, and at least one of the ingredients is something that you have to travel to the next city to find. I will not take that challenge. If I want something that fancy, I'll find a 5-star chef.

Frack That

When I was writing a series of green practices and procedures manuals for an educational group, I ran across the enheartening statistic that there are 100 years' worth of natural gas beneath the USA! Of course that could mean a lessened dependence on oil.

Perhaps some of you have heard of that natural gas claim? Sadly, it turns out to be incorrect.

Happy Fathers Day

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to every man who was strong enough to refrain from killing his children when he heard "Are we there yet?" for the 273rd time.

We live because they restrained themselves.

Bad Fido

I'm in the process of civilizing my parents' new puppy. The problem is that he lusts after my shoes. Austin finds it hysterical to watch me chasing Fido holding a (recently chewed) shoe in one hand, with Fido skidding all over my wood floors, until I finally corral him and bop him with it while shouting "Bad Fido! No shoes!"

My household has quickly degenerated into a Monty Python skit.