The Real Vapid TV Show

Just discovered TV show "The Real," which apparently consists of vapid women with dark roots & artificial nails talking about the earth-shattering issues of weaves & whether or not you should wear jewelry given to you by an ex. File this under "More Reasons I Don't Want Cable TV."

Life Insurance

I went to an engagement party recently and the "victim" had no idea what was coming her way. The groom had set it all up by throwing a birthday party for himself and asking us all to bring a wrapped present ("It doesn't matter if it comes from the Dollar Store: Just wrap it so I don't have only one gift to unwrap, OK guys?").

So the end of the night came, we had been driven into their living room by the rain, and he started opening his presents. One had an "I'm a Princess" badge, which he proudly stuck on his tee-shirt as he started to open THE gift. Like Russian nesting dolls, he went through at least 6 brightly colored boxes til he got to the final box on the inside: A tiny jewelry box. He opened it.

"Well look at THIS, honey," he exclaimed. She stood to get a better look and he immediately dropped to his knee and proposed. She bawled, we laughed, and it was hysterical.

On my way out, I hugged her and told her how happy I was for her. Wiping away a tear, she smiled and said "Well, THIS will keep him alive for one more year."

The Hero

Down the aisle from me in the store stood a skinny man, weather-beaten and tatooed. His little girl stood beside him. She couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. They were picking out candy. He had some device that was loudly playing an annoying country music song that sounded only a little worse than fingernails on a blackboard. I must admit, I saw him as a great annoyance because anyone w...ho knows me knows how much I hate most country music.

But when it came time to ring everything up, the only aisle that was open was the one with the father and daughter, who stood directly in front of me.

He asked the cashier "Do you have any bandaids?"

She said they did but she didn't know where, so I pointed to the aisle they were in.

"No," he explained. "I just need one. Her bandaid is coming off her toe," and he indicated his little girl's foot.

I looked down to see a BEAUTIFUL manicure and for the first time I looked at the little girl carefully. She had on a pretty little cotton dress, her hair was brushed lovingly, and it was neatly pulled back and tied. Her toenails were painted cherry red, with a white heart in the center of each big toe.

"WOW," I said to her. "Who did your nails? They're BEAUTIFUL."

She smiled up shyly and said "My mommy."

"Well anyone can see you have a good mommy," I said. "She takes good care of you."

Her father smiled proudly. "I've just come back from two tours in Iraq," he started to say, and that was all he had a chance to say. I was floored. I said immediately and loudly "You served in Iraq? WOW! May I shake your hand?" Startled but proud, he slowly stuck out his hand. I shook it, and Austin (who was standing behind me) also shook his hand, thanking him for his service. The others in line behind us then chimed in, thanking him profusely.

"I've only been back a short time," he said. "It hasn't been easy. Most people don't say anything like this at all."

"That's a shame," I said, sadly. Then I turned to his little girl and said "Honey, your daddy is a real hero."

As they walked out the door and the cashier rang me up, I heard his little girl say to him "Daddy! That lady said you were a hero!"

...and that's when I teared up.

Legal Welfare "Fraud"

So I'm standing in line at The Dollar Tree. In front of me is a group of 4 overfed adults wearing gaudy jewelry and one adorable thin little girl. The women were all wearing thick makeup, flip flops, and shirts that were at least a size too small for them (but obviously they thought this was sexy). The one male was dressed in designer thug clothing, had the mandatory baseball cap set jauntily to the side, wore the usual large chains and pendants studded with crystals, and his facial hair was trimmed in such an extravagant design as to mark him as "thugalicious".

They were buying 10 large boxes of candy. The cashier was very sweet to them, taking special interest in the girl and chatting with her about the movie they were about to go see as she rang them up. When she hit total, the thug produced his welfare credit card (formerly known as food stamps) and paid for the candy with it. That's when the cashier realized she'd forgotten the little girl's lollipops, so she rang them through, totalled them ($1.07) and that's when one of the porcine women loudly stated "Oh UH uh. I ain't payin fer that fer her out of my OWN money. You jest take it right off."

The cashier, pleasant as ever, said it was no problem and tried to cancel the sale. It wouldn't cancel. So she called over her supervisor who looked over the transaction and apologized but said it had already gone through on their card and there was nothing she could do. Ms. Porcine then said, exasperated, "FINE. Then GIVE me them lollipops" and snatched them from the cashier. Mr. Thugalicious made a dramatic sigh, shook his head, and loudly declared in a paternally disappointed tone "POOR customer service."

At that point I'd had enough.

"REALLY?" I said in my best bored-teenager "are you KIDDING me?" voice, glaring at him.

He opened his mouth to say something, thought better of it as he glanced down the long line of people who paid taxes so he could waste his child's food money on candy, and thought better of it. Instead, he did an about-face, and walked out the door.

MY. BLOOD. IS. BOILING.

Deifying the Dead

WHY are we so intent on making icons out of scum?

 

There's a biographical film coming out soon on Anna Nicole Smith and it supposedly glorifies her as a tragic heroine. She was just a drug-addled, opportunistic, manipulative nincompoop. But once someone dies we forget they were scuzzballs and everyone is intent on talking them up (see JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Michael Jackson, etc.) Yeah yeah, the others were talented but they were still scuzzballs. But due to the superstitious belief that we can't speak ill of the dead, they suddenly become cleaner than Mother Theresa... or we excuse away their bad behaviors.

Pork Rinds

...so I'm on a high protein, low carb diet and decide to grab some pork rinds... except I accidentally grabbed the "spicy hot" ones... and I'm driving down the road, windows open, munch down on one of the rinds, which shatters in an explosion of hot spices that are blown back into my right eye. So next I'm driving, my right eye closed in agony, trying to find a place to safely pull off... Well: I don't have to tell YOU about it. It happens to you all the time, right? Right?

Wiretapping

Everyone is up in arms about the Verizon wiretapping. This has been going on for a LONG time. In January 2007 the government stated that it believed it was entitled to warrantless email searches and that was under Bush ...as was the Patriot Act ...as was the National Security Letter where anyone (or anything) could be subpoenaed by the government and could not tell anyone else about it. This wasn't reported widely but it finally was struck down as anti-Constitutional in March of this year!

It's time for us to wake up before it's too late!

My Opinion On the Tri-fecta Scandals

I think we must be careful to always be truthful. We may THINK the worst (and we could be right) but it is always imperative to state the truth only. If we don't, we discredit ourselves and others. That being said:

THE IRS SCANDAL: Was Obama directly responsible? Probably not. However, his administration has reached out through the malleable press to create the ...general impression that many conservatives (such as Tea Partiers) are equivalent to the neo Nazis. I do believe it's this atmosphere of hate that created a problem that the sycophantic IRS was all too willing to feed into.

THE PRESS SCANDAL: As of yesterday, the AP Scandal broadened when Attorney General Holder admitted that they've done this countless other times with other reporters and news organizations. I can't say for certain if Obama was directly responsible but again, he most certainly is responsible for the jackbooted attempts to subdue anyone who disagrees with his organization.

THE BENGHAZI SCANDAL: Yes, we need to know who changed the talking points and who chose to point the finger at a little-known (and awful) video mocking Mohammed. However, we have quickly forgotten that, when Obama heard what was happening to his appointed ambassador, he returned to bed so he could get his much-cherished sleep.

Does a Bear...?

Speaking with a friend online about ridiculous sayings, I recalled one of my favorite examples: I once had a creepy boss who was an emaciated chain-smoking blond with dagger like fingernails she never cleaned. She would toss back her shaggy, over-processed hair and regularly make a rhetorical statement (whenever you dared to ask her a question): "Does a bear sh*t in the woods?"

 

That was a question I could never truly answer because it could take a philosophical bent similar to "If a tree falls in the woods but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" I came to believe that this usually was an elaborate way of saying "yes" but I was often tempted to waste her time debating this just to get even. ("Well, Kathy, I'm glad you brought this up. I've seen the Charmin commercials and...")

Creepy Pastor

WELL: I just got a LinkedIn request from a pastor in Canada.

A pastor: What could be wrong? I accepted it and THEN did my research. He was arrested last fall for solicitation of a prostitute in New Hampshire.

That's when it all clicked into place.

I had been briefly in contact w/ him through email last fall concerning his forming a new church there, and hadn't heard from him since. Apparently he'd been arrested shortly after that and relocated to Canada, where he isn't well known. Imagine how quickly I figured out how to UNlink...

Conspiracy Theory Month

This seems to be Conspiracy Theory Month. In the last couple of days I've seen conspiracy theories propounded that I've questioned, and when the Conspiracy Theorist can't show any valid evidence, I eventually get "believe what you want" as their final rebuttle. I hate that phrase: As if I WANT to believe in fairies and unicorns. What I WANT is the truth.

Real Men

Thank heavens for real men like my dad, who although he is famous he is just "Dad" to me and is there for him when I need him. I am so blessed: I think of this especially because a dear friend just lost her father and I know a good father is to be treasured. Today he helped to "guy stuff" around my house. At age 76, he is a powerhouse.

Lucy Stoner

I'm a member of The Lucy Stone League (Lucy Stone was the woman who kept her name when she was married in the early 1900s). Most of the women are genuine, thoughtful, and sane, but then you get the occasional weirdo like this one:

"I threw out the whole tradition and went to the JP court. Gave my mom 24 hrs notice to be there, surprised my kids by having someone else bring them to the ceremony, surprised 2 of his by not getting a message to them until afterwards. Told him I wasn't changing my name when the clerk was issuing us the license. Oh, and I asked him and 4 days later we were married. Surprisingly, the clerk that married us skipped the obey part without having to be told. I guess she could just tell..."

HOW ROMANTIC. I hesitate to ask her why she bothered to get married in the first place - it sounds more like a harried business transaction.

Red Tide

So my husband and I went to the Venice Beach area with two others to look for sharks' teeth fossils on the beach. No one told us they had Red Tide.

It was very windy, gray, the waves were frothy and choppy - it looked just like Maine looks in the dead of winter during a storm. Thankfully it wasn't as cold.

We passed the sign that said "Red Tide: Proceed at Your Own Risk." We figured it couldn't be all that bad. I've had mild reactions to Red Tide before, and the other three have almost no allergies at all that I'm aware of.

After using my inhaler four times, my eyes began to sting. As I stumbled back to the car, they grew worse. By the time I made it to the car, my eyes were on fire, tears streaming down my cheeks. It was a deserted area, so I realized I was on my own. I ended up driving to the nearest Circle K, squinting through my burning eyes, grabbed Benadryl and eye drops, and popped 2 Benadryls while the girl rang me up.

When I got back, our guests stumbled up to the car and they looked like the survivors of a chemical attack! My husband soon joined them and everyone popped Benadryl as we kept passing the eye drops among ourselves.

The only way we could've left that area faster is if we were in The General Lee.

Racist Slur

I see an ad on Craigslist for a clothes washer. We go to this house where a pot bellied redneck comes strolling out to meet us. The washer is an old avocado green one that's been painted over in an attempt to make it look newer, and it's not worth the $75 he's asking. I point out the chipped paint and offer $50.

"Hey naw," the redneck drawls. "Ah KNOW what it's wuth. Yah cain't jew me down lak th...at."

WHAT??? Did that piece of ignorance just come out of his mouth? I can't hold back, so I lie (I know, lying is wrong - don't do this at home, kiddies).

"I find that very offensive," I say coldly, "since I am Jewish."

His eyes shift. "Er, uh, wahl it's awl good," he replies.

"No," I snap, "It ISN'T." And I turn on my heel and leave.

Moron.

No Need For Concern

While Austin was putting up Christmas lights, 3 police cruisers went by and a helicopter searched the neighborhood. Austin finally flagged down a cop who told him that "it wasn't something for the public to be concerned about."

Ten minutes later we heard siren wails as police cars raced down the road. Austin poked his head in the door and announced "The cops are now chasing whoever we aren't to be concerned about."

1/6 of the World Gone, Not With a Bang but With a Whimper

I just looked up abortion stats in Wikipedia and realized that a full 1/6 of the world's population has been aborted since 1973. O_o

5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention

I just saw an article titled "5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention: How to Keep Your Man Around for Good." I would expect to see that title from a woman's magazine in the 40s, but... really??? How about substituting "Spouse" for "Man" and making the article for everyone?

Besides: Everyone knows the top 5 ways to get a man's attention:

1. A shrill scream in the night.

2. Waiting till he drinks the milk out of the carton before you say "Ohmigosh! You didn't drink that, did you? I just heard on the news that they just found someone's finger in one of those cartons!"

3. Dog poop in front of the bathroom door.

4. Wearing a hat with long ostrich plumes to the beach.

5. Standing in a major parking lot singing "I'm a little teapot" while wielding knitting needles.

Kerfuffle

Your Word of the Day is "kerfuffle." Since this word sums up the current Presidential race, I assume you will use it liberally today. You're welcome.

Cuckoo

My parents got me a cuckoo clock when they went to Germany's Black Forest recently. It's awesome... except when I find myself saying something really stupid out loud and it's suddenly followed by a click, whir... and a "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

At those times, I'm awfully glad I'm not on a reality show.