"No Santa? Shocking!" -and- "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" by Twisted Sister

Today I'm going to republish this story, which I wrote last year (you can still access this story and others through "The Best of Saur").

My family never had Santa as being part of the family Christmas tradition. We still loved Christmas, we still loved knowing that mom & dad were putting out the presents after we went to sleep, and we still loved the excitement of Christmas morning. We loved the carols and the hymns, we loved the lights on the trees and the houses, and couldn't wait to see the surprises. We also loved getting each other presents, and I adored watching people's faces when they opened the presents that *I* had got them. So, we never missed Santa. Santa? Santa Who?

When my son (SaurKid) was little, my ex and I were in agreement that we'd raise him the same way. When he got a little older, he couldn't help but hear about Santa, so we told him the truth: There is no such thing as Santa.

The concept of Santa was really a marketing conceit of the 1800s and I just don't like lying. Plus, I like getting the credit for being the one who got him the toys. Why give the credit to a fictional character? I'll only do it when he lets me use his credit card!

Anyway, one day when my son was about 3 1/2, I had taken him shopping in a major department store. It was getting close to Christmas and people were everywhere. I should add that my son was a strikingly beautiful baby and toddler, and people would find any excuse to touch or talk to him (we kept wetwipes handy).

We were standing in line behind an elderly man and his wife. The well-meaning man turned to SaurKid and said jovially "Have you been a good boy so that Santa will bring you presents this year? What have you asked him for?"

SaurKid looked up at him solemnly and with some pity, and politely replied "There is no such thing as Santa." (You'd think an old guy like that would know this already!)

The man appeared as if he was about to have a heart attack! I got a look from him that spoke volumes. I could almost see the banner flying above my head: Worst Mom of the Year. "Um, we've never lied to him about Santa," I said apologetically. He never said another word.

Funny, isn't it, how seriously some people take this deceit? And if you choose to not play along with this piece of fiction, you're branded a traitor? I had never set out to send a message to the world about it. I wasn't some sort of militant Anti-Santa Crusader! I simply chose to practice Christmas differently in my little corner of the world.

And SaurKid, bless his heart, remains forthright and honest to this day. Sometimes a little too honest. I wonder where he gets it?

No, I'm not saying that it's evil to promote Santa. Many of my friends do, and SaurKid was taught a long time ago that 'discretion is the better part of valour'. But I'm suggesting that parents think twice about it. That is, unless you've got Santa's credit card in your back pocket.

How My Ex-Boyfriend's Daughter Found Out

She came into my life when she was 5. She was backwards and poorly developed mentally, having been neglected by her mother all her life. However, she was always loving and sweet. Over the years (and with work from myself, my family and friends) she blossomed into an intelligent, gifted and thoughtful young lady who is amazingly mature. We continue to share her with her mother.

Her mother always perpetuated the Santa Claus Myth. It was difficult to respect her mother's unspoken wishes and yet celebrate Christmas as we did. SaurKid and I learned to excuse ourselves from discussing anything about Santa. When she asked why Santa only brought presents to her mother's home, we would hem and haw and say "What an interesting question!"

One day as I was driving her to school, she asked "Saur, is Santa real?"

Being in Full Counselor mode and keeping my eyes steady on the road, I asked her "What do you think?"

"I don't think he is," she said carefully, studying my face.

"And how does that make you feel?" I asked. Thank goodness for a college education. ;o)

"I'm OK with it, I guess," she said. "But I feel a little silly since I'm the last kid in third grade that said they believed in him!"

I nodded. "Now you know," I said. "We wanted to tell you for a very long time, but it wasn't our place to do so. But look at it this way: all these years that you've been receiving gifts from Santa, you really have your mom to thank. And it's pretty important that you should know that."

She thought a little more, turning it all over in her head. "I don't think we should tell Mom that I know yet," she said wisely. "It means so much to her."

So, we kept it secret a year. Sometimes we have to protect the parents.

Oh Come All Ye Faithful by Twisted Sister

OK, so this version of the hymn is a little unusual and the video's cheesy, but the music rocks!

The "Free Puppy" Scam

Lately there have been ads popping up here and there on the internet, advertising "free puppies" in various purebred breeds. The ones I've seen so far include malteses, yorkies, and bichon frises.

The scammers use free email addresses that aren't easily traced, such as yahoo or hotmail. But they all say the same thing when you write to them inquiring about their offer:

Hello ,
thanks for contacting us for our lovely yorkie puppies for Christmas. i have 3 females and 3 males. They are completely housebroken and very obedient and are willing to do just what you ask them to do.

"OK, Rover, go make me an omelette." Wow, these puppies are unusual! Does this mean they're already trained to lie down, roll over, play dead? Well, let's read on...

They are Potty and Paper trained already. they are updated with their shots. and have been dewormed. they are just 12 weeks old and are presently weighing 1.3 pounds and are expected to weigh 4.9pounds at full growth. they are 1.4inches grown now and will grow to a maximum of .5inches. thier parents weighed 5.1 pounds.

So far, so good. Incidentally, English was obviously not this person's first language, but that can also be said for many kids in our highschools today. And what the heck, we want a puppy, right? So who cares?

we personally raised my puppies and trained them. we raised them alongside little children and other household pets like monkeys and cats. so they are very playful and friendly with kids and other household pets. they do not bark a lot. they are very calm and give good company .

Well, then this is what I've been looking for! It's really damned hard to find puppies that have been raised with monkeys, so I'd have to say this just put him at the top of my list.

They will obviously be a great addition to your family for Christmas i am located in CAMEROON. so we will be shipping from CAMEROON coz we have been doing so successfully. I ship using a direct flight from Cameroon to the u.s which takes just 5hrs maximum.

Ah, there's the kicker. These unusual, well-behaved, pre-trained, monkey-raised puppies are from Cameroon. I should've known there was a catch. Obviously we couldn't raise such quality animals in the U.S.A. Now, here's where it gets really interesting:

I use a plane to fly the puppies and perfect PET-CARE services are given to pets during flight. your puppies will come along with all health records,registered papers,playing toys, and a booklet written by the CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY which teaches you how to bring up your puppies.

Oh thank goodness! We wouldn't want godless puppies, and I've always worried about that. I've often said "What if I buy a new puppy and it turns out that it's Muslim? How will we fit the Muslim faith into our household? I already am swamped with the standard Christian holidays and traditions!" But now I can rest easy, knowing that it's a Christian puppy and I'll even get Christian instructions that come with him!

it also includes their food menu.

Now this has me really intrigued. I can imagine all sorts of things that this Uber Puppy requires: Lobster? Caviar? Dinner at eight?

we are willing to grant to any one who gets our puppy a lifetime guarantee.this will ensure your puppy"s health for atleast 10yrs. all these will be in the crate in which your puppy will be shipped in. this is a special ex-mas offer for thoe who are chritians and can take good care of our puppies.

Note that it's an ex-mas offer. Is that like "anti-Christmas"? And only "chritians" can qualify for these puppies (just in case you hadn't figured out that they're trying for a strong Christian slant in the last couple of paragraphs.) They're really pile-driving their point home. Apparently they're under the mistaken impression that we're truly a Christian nation, when we're an amalgam of many different faiths (or lack thereof).

your puppies will arrive you safely and in good shape. i will like to know also the sex you are interested in. what you will need to get one of our lovely yorkie babies, is to promise me that you will take good care of them as well as love them coz I will never like them to suffer. Then you will have to provide for the shipping fee for your puppy. i will also like to get your detailed contact address as well as closest airport to your location. The shipping and carrier fee costs $175 if you comply with the above then get back to me.

Regards
GOD BLESS YOU

Here we have finally arrived at the heart of the matter. The "free" puppies are really $175, because they're being mailed from Cameroon. And obviously nothing will arrive. If you're lucky, they'll send a stuffed toy.

What worries me is that there are always new scams cropping up. In other countries, there are entire offices devoted to sending out scam emails and figuring out new ways to fleece the American public. They often see it as a patriotic duty: "We're conning the stupid Americans!" It's not only despicable, it's also lucrative because there are always enough people that bite.

This particular scam is new enough that it may initially generate a lot of funds for these scammers before word gets out. I wonder what is next? I'd like to see a scam that advertises a hit-man service for mother-in-laws. It would be very entertaining, and might enrich some fantasy lives.

P.S. If you want to read about a similar scam (most of them seem to come out of Nigeria) then read this funny and interesting story about the Scammer Who Got Scammed.

The Christmas Fart

My brother "Adam" was The Fart King. He passed gas more than your Great Grandma and Great Grandpa combined. He could even fart at will, which many other boys thought was an art. "Pull my finger," he'd suggest. Any victim stupid enough to do so would always regret it.

Adam could never eat beans. The results were notorious. Whenever mom made chili, we stayed far away from Adam and pitied our younger brother "Sam" (who shared his room). I was the oldest, therefore I tried to be the most dignified. I would say little, and stay above the fracas, unless it directly affected me. Then I would lay into him and badger him into a rather sheepish apology. "One day you'll regret this, Adam!" I would roar. "You have to get control of it!"

When Adam was a pre-teen, he and Sam were asked to play as shepherds in our church's nativity play. Although they didn't need to learn any lines, they were supposed to stand in the background, holding their shepherd crooks, gazing adoringly at the plastic baby in the manger.
On the night of the nativity play, Mom made chili. Now, Mom's chili is delicious. Most people don't make it as well as she does, and as I recall, Adam even had a second helping. For some reason, no one considered the dire consequences that could result from it.

That evening, the play started out very well. The church was full, and everyone was expectant. Kids of all ages filed onto the stage as their turn came, and eventually there were several angels, shepherds, three wisemen, Mary, Joseph, and plastic Baby Jesus.

True to their roles, Adam and Sam were among the shepherds, gazing adoringly into the manger. The room grew hushed as the announcer began to speak of that silent night long ago, when...

A massive fart split the air.

Magnified by a nearby microphone, it rattled throughout the church. There was a moment of stunned silence, and then a mass exodus from the stage. Mary and Joseph scrambled over helpless victims to get away from the toxic explosion, leaving Baby Jesus to fend for himself. Adam was left on stage, turning bright red, as Sam cowered away from him.

The church watched in hushed awe. Then, someone began to chuckle. That chuckle spread like wildfire and soon everyone was laughing. Adam shrugged awkwardly, which only added to the merriment.

Once the air had cleared, everyone resumed their places and the play continued. But, Adam was never asked to be a shepherd again. The Christmas Fart became the stuff of legend, and was re-told as a cautionary tale for many years after.

And now you know the story of The Christmas Fart. And why you should avoid eating chili if you're about to go on stage. And (most importantly) if you ever have Adam over to dinner, I recommend that you serve something easily digested. His wife will thank you.

The Peacock at Breakfast

A friend and I went to breakfast at a local diner this morning. When we left the restaurant, we saw this wild peacock sauntering by.

Wild peacocks are somewhat common here, because there were peacock farms at one time, and many got away. They are about the size of wild turkeys.

This one ran away from us and roosted on a nearby car. Peacocks can be aggressive, but this one was actually reasonably tame and let us get quite near. We saw no peahens nearby, so I'm assuming he's very lonely.

I checked with animal services, but peacocks/peahens are able to fly away, so no one will catch or try to relocate them.

We asked around, and found out that he'd always lived in a nearby mobile home park, but now the mobile home park is being demolished to make way for a new shopping mall.

Such is the price of "progress".

The Cost of Saving Idiots

Recently there has been a pile of money and effort spent on trying to save three mountain climbers. Three mountain climbers who deliberately put themselves in danger's way for the thrill of it. And now others pay the cost.

I can already hear boneheads saying "how cruel to try to put a cost on a life!" and "If it were my family member, I'd not spare any expense!"

Great. Then you finance it. Because it's easily $5,000 a person and up.

Have we lost all sense of reason? People willingly put themselves in harm's way, and then expect a rescue mission due to their lack of judgement. These rescues cost money, and although we've become an entitlement-minded society, we can't just keep throwing money after problems. Additionally, this idiocy puts the lives of rescuers in jeopardy, too.

If someone accidentally gets lost in a snowstorm through no fault of their own, that's a different story. Send out the troops!

But if I choose to start the new fad of "18-Wheeler Dodge" and begin standing in the middle of a 6-lane highway at rush hour for "the sport of it", I can't honestly expect the taxpayer to finance my rescues, medical bills, and funeral expenses.

Even the Coast Guard doesn't do free missions anymore, if it is shown that the sailor/boater created the mistake that resulted in the rescue.

Mountain climbers must be forced to post a surety bond to cover rescue costs. If they don't, it will be billed to either them or their survivors afterwards. You play, you pay.

The Diamond Merchants Lie

I just saw the movie Blood Diamond yesterday. I wish it was mandatory viewing. If *I* were Queen of the World, everyone would be forced to sit down and watch it. Additional to it's truthful social message is an interesting, action-packed movie that is actually enjoyable to watch!

I had thought the movie would play fast-and-loose with the facts, but it was very accurate. It cited the fact that (at that time) 15% of all diamonds on the market were Blood Diamonds. From my research, I know this is true.

In 2003, something called The Kimberly Process was initiated to reduce the amount of Blood Diamonds (a.k.a "Conflict Diamonds"). Incidentally, this new "standard" was created when the diamond merchants discovered that the movie was being made.

According to diamondfacts.org (a multimillion dollar site owned by The World Diamond Council and created to rebuff the movie) the amount of Blood Diamonds on the market were initially only 4% of the market, and are now only a miraculous 1%, thanks to The Kimberly Process.

Great! I would like to answer them:

"So... cite your facts, then. How do you come up with these figures? Strangely, there is no reference to any impartial or independant sources. Although the first number (4%) was way off, 1% is simply unbelievable."

Sadly, I hear this unsubstantiated figure often quoted as a solid statistic by news programs as if they trust the source! To those journalists, I would say:

"Good job, intrepid reporters! I guess we didn't take the same journalism courses. You actually trust this source even though there's no evidence that what they claim is true?"

Everyone, I hold this up as an example of what Pop Journalism has become! Never, never, never trust a source that cites figures which gratify it's own self-interest.

Only 1% of all diamonds on the market are Blood Diamonds? Right! And I'm 100% natural blond.

My Cards From Meow (Australia)

Here's the postcard I just received from Meow. At the same time I got this Christmas card, too. Never let it be said again that Florida is a weird place on Christmas day!


If you want to get involved in a postcard exchange, pop on over to her blog and let her know. And while you're there, check out her mouth-watering cookies!

Your Kids Are Your Priority

I'm going to tell you two stories of molested girls. This is not a pretty subject, but I'll spare you the details as much as I can.

The first girl is 20 years old now. We'll call her Ava. She was molested by her mom's boyfriend (who later became her mom's fiancee) from the age of 10 until the time her mom broke up with him. Ava was around 13 by then.

At one point Ava tried to tell her mom. Her mom told her flatly that she was lying, because it was easier to do that than face the horrid truth and the loss of a meal-ticket. When Ava then turned to her grandmother for help, her grandmother told her that all women go through this sort of thing and wouldn't discuss it with her any further.

I learned of this from Ava only a year ago. I advised her to seek help and get on medication. I don't have the time and energy to counsel anyone anymore and she needs intensive therapy. She saw that as a weakness, and felt that she should just "suck it up" now. She ended up joining the military, and couldn't hack it. When they sent her to a psychologist, the psychologist said that she was surprised that Ava hadn't been institutionalized yet (I agree).

Ava is being discharged. She wrote a very sweet note to me in which she said, "I really thank you so much for being there when I needed someone to talk to..." Sadly, her mother was never there for her and continues to deny what happened, which will make her recovery harder but not impossible.

The other child is "Cameron". She looks just like Cameron Diaz, and is a very sweet girl. Her stepfather started molesting her at age 10 too, right after her grandmother died. "He waited till after she died because she was the only one that would have protected me," she explained to me.

Cameron's stepfather molested her for three years as well, until her mother separated from him. Emboldened, Cameron approached her mother and told her the awful truth. Her mother was scandalized, reported it to the police, and investigation ensued, they asked Cameron if she could be brave enough to testify and she said yes, and...

Cameron's mother turned into a raging whore. She started leaving the kids with a friend and hanging out at the bars almost every night. In only two months of time, she had numerous one-night stands, and got her tubes tied so she wouldn't get pregnant (but wasn't concerned about sexually-transmitted diseases!) The kids saw their mother rarely.

One day Cameron's mom decided that her husband wasn't so bad after all. She missed him, they had a 2 year old child that they shared, and what the hey...! He said he's going to change and made some terrible mistakes. OK, then!

So, Cameron's mom skillfully manipulated her into believing that it's important to "forgive" the Stepdad and get on with life. And then Cameron's mom went with the Stepdad to the judge, pleading for a reduced sentence. Cameron's now asking for a lesser sentence even though she admits it all happened, because she "just wants her family back."

Now the Stepdad is talking about taking them out of the state when they can leave. This is a classic tactic of an abuser: Isolate your victims from any support group that they have.

Poor Cameron. Poor Ava. Two shattered lives that will take a long time (if ever) to be rebuilt, all because their mothers were more interested in their own sex lives than their children.

Lethal Injection: Let's Try Something Different

Well, here's a story in our local paper about a murderer who killed at least a couple people (he was sentenced for one murder in Mexico, escaped, and killed again in Florida). He finally got a death sentence carried out 17 years later (way too long after the murders) and took 34 minutes to die by lethal injection.

Apparently he didn't die comfortably. "The scene of a grimacing Angel Diaz once again called into question the way the state kills condemned prisoners," editorialize the two writers of this story.

Gee, my heart bleeds for Diaz. (I assume that we were that worried about the agony that his victims and their families went through, also). So, I'm ready to propose that we guillotine them instead. It's a much quicker way than lethal injection, wouldn't you agree? It also would cost us a lot less (no more chemicals, needles, or doctors needed). All we would need to do is make sure that the blade was nice and sharp each time. Heck, I'm even willing to recommend that we hire a Blade Sharpening Specialist just to make sure that there's minimum discomfort and it's at it's peak of serviceability!

We'd never have to wait 34 minutes again.

Dogs, Cars, & Easy Plastic Women

Oscar it is!

Since there were more votes for "Oscar" than any other name, the new puppy is now dubbed "Oscar"! Thanks for the suggestions. I had fun reading some of them (a few of you probably need to be institutionalized).

Carrera Slot Cars

This is probably more a guy-thing than a girl-thing. But we have a sprawling Carrera Slot Car layout in our living room and BoBo just adores it. When we're racing, he does his best to grab whatever car is speeding by. It fills him with this strange excitement, and you can see him quiver as they go by.

The first time that BoBo caught a car, he ran out of the room as fast as he could go, to "bury" it on SaurKid's bed under the pillows. We had to go rushing off to hunt it down, and now BoBo is under strict watch at all times when the cars are out.

Anyway, we were looking through the Carrera catalog, which is full of all sorts of accessories, including "Grid Girls". I'm still looking for The Groupie Set, which should match the Grid Girls very nicely.

America's Lack of Deductive Reasoning

Most Americans are no longer able to think as well as our grandparents could. Many of us are a gullible lot, easily led by news tidbits that can be couched in such a way that they seem to make sense to the uneducated.

As I was driving yesterday, I tuned in to Rush Limbaugh's radio show. He was speaking scornfully of environmentalists who warned us 10 years ago that our seas were in danger. He pointed to a new discovery of very old sealife which scientists had thought was extinct, and told us that this discovery was proof that the "environmentalist wackos" were wrong.

Huh? All that shows is that we've developed better technology so that we are able to find things that we wouldn't have discovered years ago. For all we know, there could be even more of this ancient sealife if we weren't dumping garbage, spilling oil and toxic waste, and over-fishing. Obviously if it's ancient, it's been hardy enough to last through many thousands (if not millions) of years.

But think of what the uneducated, simplistic blue-collar worker just got from that statement: "Environmentalists said the oceans were getting sicker, but we've discovered new sealife, so the environmentalists lied and pollution isn't harming the oceans at all."

Sad, isn't it?

This is the mentality that is malleable. This is the mentality that is easily lulled into a false sense of security. This is the mentality that believes the Patriot Act would only be used for terrorists, and it wouldn't hurt us to lose some or all of our Constitutionally guaranteed privacy rights. This is a mentality that existed among the middle- and lower-class Germans in the 1930s.

Name That Puppy!

The Nightmare

I started out telling you about a nasty nightmare I had last night. Not a jolly dream to start a Monday! But, why dwell on something like that when we can think about...


Name That Puppy!

The happy news is that the puppy is progressing nicely. He adores us all and howls like a banshee when we disappear. Then he continues to whimper after he sees us, as if he's reproaching us in some way.

He is terribly skinny (no worms), which contributes to his werewolf image, but in a case of "Monkey See, Monkey Do" he follows the dogs around and does exactly what they do. So, it looks as if I won't have to potty train him at all, since BoBo's doing an admirable job of it.

Someone suggested that it would be cool for everyone to take a shot at naming him, but we had to name him a name that was in line with the other two dogs. However...

BoBo and BugEyes are their given nicknames in this blog, where almost everyone I refer to has a fictitious name. I need a fictitious name for the puppy! Help me come up with one!

The New Puppy: Day 2

If you missed the original post about the puppy, you can find it below this one.

The puppy is sleeping in a large plastic crate with towels and some of my clothes so he has my scent to comfort him. I have some of those instant heat packs (the ones that you can boil and keep re-using) and I keep one with him at all times.

He howled on-and-off all night, which must mean he's decided we're good people and won't hurt him. The bad news is... he howled on-and-off all night. *YAWN* I'm beat.

Since I can't bathe him until Friday (I'm making an appointment with the groomer STAT) I can't cuddle him a lot or allow the other dogs around him. Because he was crying so hard this morning, I didn't get to sleep in. So, here I am, sitting in my office chair in my office, with him in his crate in my other office chair, next to me. NOW he's happy.

Yesterday afternoon SaurKid and I took him outside for the first time to coax him to go to the bathroom since he hadn't gone in 24 hours, which alarmed us. He couldn't, or wouldn't, walk. We tried to move him at one point and he was in so much pain that he turned to each of us and bared his fangs, but didn't bite. Alarmed, we looked for the source and saw that his penis was slightly bloody.

We immediately flew to the animal emergency room, where they told us that his penis was very bruised from the surgery and that he was probably not going to the bathroom due to the pain of it all. They gave him a morphine and anti-inflammatory injection. He slept a long time, just getting up once to pee, and another time to poop. Normally I'm not a big Poop Fan, but this is a good thing!

So, we seem to be on the upside.

He is suddenly very verbal and wants to tell us how miserable he is. That's a good sign, although it's driving us a little batty right now. ;o) Time to give him another half of a baby aspirin!

P.S. We think he's a schnoodle (schnauzer/poodle mix).

3 PM update

We finally gave up and bathed him. Now he's happier because he can play with the family, taking short breaks to rest or snack or teethe a little. He seems to feel better, too, since he's clean. He's happily running about with the others.

The New Puppy

Yes, I know he doesn't look like much right now. In fact, he looks like the lead in "Werewolves of London." But he has a sweet heart and a sweet spirit. I got him in an animal shelter in a nearby town because it's very hard to find poodle mixes.

He's only 4 months old, and already he has learned much about the cruelty of humans. He cowers when you raise your hand and he shakes uncontrollably (despite the fact that he has a clean bill of health and little reason to react that way). He's emaciated and gratefully ate little bits of puppy chow and ice chips out of my hands last night.

Despite his fear, malnourishment and abuse, the shelter also altered him (they have to, it's their policy). So in addition to all the baggage he's carrying, he's carrying a little ... er ... less, so to speak. And he's in pain from that, too.

Remember the dog that didn't bark in one of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries? This dog also doesn't bark or cry, even though I left him alone all night. My other two dogs would have cried all night long. This is yet another indication of abuse.

My two healthy, hearty, happy dogs are frolicking about, trying to get a glimpse of the new stranger that is living in one of the bathrooms. But this little guy has to stay in isolation for a week, while he calms down and has a chance to heal and start packing on a little weight. He also desperately needs a bath, which I can't give him for a week (until his surgery heals). He had been lying in his own urine on a cold concrete floor at the shelter for days.

So why did his original owners give him up? Yesterday I found out that they had actually given up two puppies! Their reason: They were moving and didn't want to bother taking them along. Despite all the trauma, these puppies were lucky. Some people shouldn't be allowed to be pet owners.

The other puppy left the day before and I rescued mine yesterday. Now these little guys will get all the food, love, and attention that they so desperately need.

The Big Grouper Scandal

Our local paper (the St. Pete Times) is making a big deal out of a little issue. For months it's been reporting that most restaurants that advertise grouper were really serving another type of fish instead.

Big fat hairy deal. Now, go get a real story. I have some for you, if you're interested. Oh, but you'll have to do some tough investigation work and take risks. I'm talking about real reporting. After all, it's easy enough if you only have to take samples of food to a lab to have it analyzed.

Restaurant owners are cowering in fear, of course, which makes the paper feel like it's really got some attention from all of this.

One of my favorite restaurants (The Bonefish Grille) has changed their Grouper Piccata to Tilefish Piccata. I ordered the tilefish and found out that I'd been having tilefish all along. (I always wondered why it tasted better than most grouper!) I was informed that if I wanted to update it to it's less tasty, drier cousin I would have had to pay more for the privilege.

Grouper used to be a junk fish that fishermen always threw back because it was so inferior to almost every other type. Now it's in fad, so it's being advertised in fancy restaurants where it never would have even made it as an appetizer.

Apparently many restaurants were accepting frozen fish labelled as grouper, but the manufacturer had actually substituted another fish. So, it's really not the fault of the restaurants, but they're paying the price in bad publicity.

Instead of running in fear, restaurants should see this as an opportunity to begin to educate the public on the many delicious choices there are. Most patrons would appreciate a little something extra to read at the table, so why not publish a little pamphlet on the types of meats that are offered, why they're a particularly good choice, and why the chef recommends them?

Let's get away from all this silliness.

Become a Doggie Foster Parent

Until recently, I didn't realize how much need there is out there for doggie foster parents. Many shelters are now opting to become "no-kill" shelters, which means that a dog that is dropped off may be there for a long time before it's ever adopted.

One of our local shelters here is now refusing any sick or stray animals, which is burdening other shelters in the area. We're dealing with an over-abundance of strays and unwanted dogs, in general. Additionally, there are dog rescue groups that specialize in finding and saving a particular breed.

I never cared for poodles until I bought my own two (out of necessity, due to allergies). Now I'm wild about poodles. Contrary to what I'd believed, they are intelligent, calm, loyal, loving, and snuggly. Well, at least miniatures and standards are. The small ones are spazzy. (My maltipoo (BuyEyes) can be trying at times and suddenly turn into a furry whirling dervish).

Recently I've been trying to help someone (who's an allergy sufferer) find a poodle or a poodle mix at a relatively inexpensive price. We didn't want a puppy (too much work) and sadly there are always abandoned dogs, so I started doing some research.

There are many groups that do poodle rescue, but my local favorite is Florida Poodle Rescue. (Click on the link to see some great before & after shots). If you qualify, you can adopt a poodle for a fee that is high enough to prohibit someone from adopting the animal simply to exploit it.

But homes are needed; not just for poodles, but other dogs and animals as well. The shelters and rescue services are overwhelmed, and many of them are farming out their dogs and cats to homes that are willing to care for them until they're placed.

So if you feel that you're able to do so, consider becoming a foster parent for a needy animal. You may not even want to have an animal full-time (perhaps it's too much commitment) but if you are able to take animals on an "as-needed" basis, you could be helping yourself, as well as helping others.

Cool Gifts for Kids of ALL Ages

I went shopping last night for Christmas gifts. I'd already made the mistake of getting something for SaurKid but couldn't resist giving it to him early (does anyone else have this lack of self control???)

This is AntWorks Illuminated. SaurKid's getting this for Christmas. Shhh! Look at how awesome this is! It's a completely self-sustained environment for the ants, and they can chew their way through the gel which provides nourishment and water. They can be seen from all angles, and at night you can light it up and use it as a nightlite!

And check this out! Discovery Channel is carrying the only version of RoboReptile with this paint scheme. Ever seen one in action? Go here to their site to view a video of it (it's on the left of the screen).

Finally, check out the Micro Mosquito Helicopter:

Don't Give Liberally, Give Wisely

At this time of year, many people feel the need to give handouts. It makes them feel better. But the problem is that people often give to feel better, without thinking of the consequences of their giving.

In church this Sunday, the speaker mentioned how he'd passed a homeless man and gave him 50 cents even though he had $5 in his pocket. He really battled with himself over those $5 and almost gave them to the homeless guy, but he didn't. He mentioned how much he regretted that now.

I wish this church had been more interractive. I would've spoken up and said "Why? Why do you think you should've given the man even more money when you don't know him or his circumstances?"

Coming from a more experienced viewpoint now, and having interviewed local homeless and the charities that try to help them, I can tell you that when you give money to a homeless person you are very likely to harm them. This is money which can be used for drugs, alcohol, or useless things that don't help in any way.

Some groups say that they wish to provide meals and housing. Until recently, I thought that was the right thing to do. But you know what? When you provide the basic necessities to someone, it frees up whatever monies they have that can be spent on the drugs or alcohol that they crave.

Of course there are some people that are homeless by no fault of their own, but I've discovered that they're exceedingly few and they don't remain homeless for long because they want to work, do the right thing, and achieve independance.

The Bible says that if anyone does not work, neither should he eat.* I used to think that was pretty harsh, but now I see the reasoning behind it. We would all do well to remember that advice.

So if you're going to give to charity this month, please think it through. Is the money you're giving going to produce the results that you agree with? Do you know what will be done with it?

Perhaps it would be better to find a family that is struggling but trying, and lend them a helping hand.

In the past, I've given away a car to people that were barely making it. The car made the difference between failure and success. I've given other things away that helped improve someone's quality of life. But I do it carefully. I urge you to do the same.

*Thessalonians 3:10

Jorge

A couple of years ago I had a client named Jorge. I'm usually excellent with names and words from all different cultures, but for some reason I'd never encountered a Jorge. So, when I called him, I asked to speak with "George".

After a moment of pained silence, I was informed that his name was pronounced "Hore-gay." I truly almost said "You're kidding!" but restrained myself just in time. It took me a little while to refer to him as "Hore-gay" without snickering just a little. Call me culturally insensitive if you will, but there are some things that don't translate well (and this goes both ways, too!)

A year or so later I met a Jorge that pronounced his name as "Hore-hay." I added it to my arsenal.

Then recently I got another client with the name Jorge. Ha! I knew how to pronounce this one! I would wow the client with my knowlege! So, I called the number and asked to speak to "Hore-gay."

After a moment of pained silence, I was informed that his name was George.

Go figure.

The Leech Pendant

By now you know why I hate diamonds. But check out Kay Jeweler's latest diamond pendant. This takes 1st Place in The Ugly Jewelry of the Year Awards. Please, give me horse poop before you buy me The Leech Pendant.


P.S. I'm still sick today. I'm really struggling with a bad cold that gone into my lungs and I need the rest more than anything. I'll take the weekend off and be back on Monday. Have a wonderful weekend!

Out Sick

I'm sick today, people. I'm sorry that there's nothing in me today, but I'm really struggling with a bad cold that gone into my lungs and I need the rest more than anything. I'll take the weekend off and be back on Monday. Have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday Notes

Get Out of That Contract

I have discovered a wonderful little site called The Consumerist, which offers all sorts of tips on how to get out certain obligations you should never have committed such as gym memberships and cell phone contracts.

Iranian Pres. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (a.k.a. "President Tom") just sent a letter to the American people. I didn't have an easy time finding the actual letter, but if you'd like to see it in it's entirety (on a Jewish website!) go here.

It's very easy to dismiss it at first. The stilted language and the earnest nerdiness of it all makes you think of that weird kid you avoided in highschool. You know, the one that always played Dungeons & Dragons and renamed all of his friends with codenames like Ulraf The Great and Frodo. He didn't bathe often, and was always trying to get in your face and vehemently discuss something that you had absolutely no interest in.

President Tom's disgusting prejudice against an ethnic group (the Jews) is enough to stop most educated people from wanting to read the letter. And I can't say that I blame anyone who wishes to avoid it.

Glenn Beck did a great run-down on it today. I don't feel like tackling it right now. Suffice it to say, the most important part is the last paragraph:

"We should all heed the Divine Word of the Holy Qur’an: "But those who repent, have faith and do good may receive Salvation. Your Lord, alone, creates and chooses as He will, and others have no part in His choice; Glorified is God and Exalted above any partners they ascribe to Him." (28:67-68) I pray to the Almighty to bless the Iranian and American nations and indeed all nations of the world with dignity and success."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Islamic faith, this is President Tom's polite way of declaring war.

Just as Osama Bin Laden, he is telling us that the ultimate authority is Allah. And, in classic radical Islamic thinking, this means that if the U.S.A. doesn't accept that authority and turn to Allah, we are free game.

Make no mistake about it. President Tom has just declared war against us, and this is his final warning shot. It's aimed not simply toward us. It's also an attempt to let all the other Islamic countries know that he has fulfilled all the religious obligations which he must do before he can attack.

Leave it to Florida: The Freak Show State

I live in Florida: Land of Chads, where circus freaks retire, mermaids dwell, and 38% of us voted for Katherine Harris. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Florida attracts weirdos because it's easier to live on the cheap here. Many of our transplants couldn't make it anywhere else, so they moved to Florida where they can find just enough work to supplement their addictions, habits, and other neurotic behaviors.

After all, how many qualified people choose to work in a "Right to Work" state, where they can be easily fired for no reason whatsoever? That isn't to say there aren't good quality people here, but they're the minority. Most of our workforce is a living example of the maxim "You get what you pay for." My friends The Lazy Iguana and Michelle will back me on this, I know.

Yet another bizarre story was reported yesterday. Bizarre for you, that is. For us, this is the norm. A 38 year old woman went missing 3 days before Halloween in nearby New Port Richey. She was living with her parents and sister, who called the police to report that although she was missing, her purse and other personal effects were left behind.

Yesterday she was found. Rotting. Upside down. Behind her bookcase.

Her family says they noticed a bad odor but thought is was rats rotting in the wall. Why didn't they open up the wall to extract the rats? God only knows. The police do not suspect foul play. Yup, that's right. And you know what? I believe it was truly an accident (read the article for the reason).

Only in Florida: Land of the Freak, Home of the Brazen.

Update on Julio

He's home, resting. Until the swelling goes down, they can't operate on his eye. The men that attacked him have all been arrested and charged. One is an unregistered sex offender, another is an ex-felon with a record as long as your arm. The others that stood around him and encouraged the attackers were also charged.

Hate Crime

My friend "Julio" is a victim of a hate crime. He's a soft-spoken, sweet-natured Hispanic guy with a great sense of humor and engaging personality. Everyone loves Julio, or so I would guess.

However, during the weekend he walked outside his home to see some white rednecks lounging about on his vehicle. When he politely asked them to leave it alone, they grew beligerant and started throwing out racial slurs. He suddenly found himself surrounded.

Julio saw nothing good coming out of the situation, and he's a pacivist. As he turned to run, he tripped, fell, and suddenly they were on top of him. While his girlfriend stood there, screaming for the men to stop, one of the men took a brick and smashed in the side of his eye socket. We don't know yet if they'll be able to save the eye. He's in the hospital under an assumed name, as they do with all victims.

One of Julio's friends told him that they'll hunt down the guys when he's better, and teach them a lesson. Julio said no: Two wrongs don't make a right. The only good news that comes out of this is that the police know who the guys are, and the severity of the charges will be tripled now that it's labeled as a "hate crime".

Racism? In the Tampa Bay Area? We're very metropolitan (we're ranked up there with New York City, Dallas, and the Miami area). It's very rare to find a southern accent here: We're not truly "The Deep South", but sometimes The Deep South intrudes upon us. And, like any major metro area, there is crime. But here? Where you can find people of all colors peppered throughout? Racism is a losing battle here: Redneck go home!

The Food Con

Why is it that there is always someone out there sneaking mice, cockroaches, worms, and (in at least one case) a finger into restaurant food? Pssst! You morons! It's time to give it up. They're on to you!

Those cons worked well in the 80s and into the 90s, but now the restaurants are fighting back! People are getting slapped with defamation suits, they're going to jail or getting fined for false testimony. Hellooo? If you want to pull a fast one, try something else.

The latest one that I've heard of is detailed here in the St. Pete Times today. It's about a woman named Muriel who supposedly ate a McDonalds hamburger covered in little green worms. Then she got sick, ended up on the hospital with an EColi infection, and is suing McDonalds.

Her testimony is shaky at best. She claims she wolfed part of it quickly, then saw the worms, had her hubby take a picture (he could only produce a picture with one worm). Then she fell ill, went to the hospital, and tried to get the doctors to agree that it was the burger that got her. They wouldn't. And an expert says the worm is most likely to be a butterfly caterpillar and wouldn't harm her if she ate it. (Unless, of course, the worm/caterpillar was carrying EColi, I should add. Maybe that will be her answer).

In my humble opinion, here's what really happened: Since Muriel has quite a record for getting busted for shoplifting in her past, we can assume she's good at the con game. We all know that there's no way that she got caught the only times that she did it. The paper points out that there are no recent records of her shoplifting, but we all know that this only means she got better at it.

One day Muriel started feeling very ill. She told her hubby to run out and grab an order from a nearby fast food restaurant so that she could blame it on the food and get some money out of it. Muriel assumed (wrongly, it appears) that the restaurant would like to pay her major hush money just to make a nuisance suit go away.

Muriel was wrong. She would have been much smarter to keep a little of the burger, smear a very miniscule amount of her stool on it, and when the tests on the burger came back, it would've shown the same EColi strain as what she was producing. Poor Muriel. She had no idea that it was EColi so she had to spin a much more elaborate story than what was needed.

As my mother used to say "Oh what a wicked web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." For Muriel, she might say "She who claims she's sick due to worms, will be grilled by the paper and made to squirm."

Sunday

I know, I know. I'm usually not the greatest writer over the weekends. Sorry about that, but I have SaurKid to play with and (if you do it the right way) kids get better with age. So we're off playing again today.

BTW, I had mentioned that we liked the new Destroy All Humans 2, but it's a little too sexually graphic for our taste as it progresses, and I would definately recommend against it for any kids 12 and under.

I also saw the new Borat movie (without SaurKid) this week and have to say that it's not all that. I really believed the hype, and I liked it OK, but it goes over the top too many times for me to be able to recommend it. It's certainly not something I would buy when it came out on DVD. On the other hand, it is shocking to find that there is still extreme prejudice among some of the citizens in our country. Ignorance, yes, I knew about that. But prejudice? I thought we'd really begun to put a chokehold on it. I guess we need to work on that some more, huh?

Out on a Gorgeous Saturday

SaurKid and I are out-and-about today. We've already visited the massive fleamarket, bought him a pair of those droopy shorts with a fantastic dragon on them, and some cool rocks/crystals which BoBo already knocked over in a Battle Royale with BugEyes. We started with only 3 large rocks, but ended up with many more (due to the Battle).

Hope you're having a great weekend! I know I'm slacking on my writing, but lately there's so much to see and do out there! ;o)

Black Friday

I'm off hunting bargains, no post today! This is WAY too exciting. Men, it's like hunting but without having to skin anything afterwards!

We have good news and a reason to give thanks: Rosie won't have to go on chemo. They got all the cancer!!!

"See" you tomorrow!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much to be thankful for.

For one thing, I've been divorced from my ex-husband for almost 10 years and no longer have to share his family's weird Thanksgivings. For a humorous rundown on those Thanksgivings, go here to read the entry that I posted last year.

I also am grateful for my family and friends, my success, and many of the little things that we, as Americans, take for granted.

Bless you all, have a wonderful holiday, and I'll "see" you here tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

For Your Protection

Thank goodness for my local Walgreens! What bad guy wants to face a woman with a good supply of incense burners?

Selfish, Careless Bosses

Ten years ago, I was a stay-at-home mother that was being forced back into the workplace due to divorce. It was a terrible struggle at that time (I've written about this time in my life before). My first job was as a lowly secretary working for two partners.

Both partners made obscene money, lived in beautiful homes, drove expensive cars, and took incredible vacations. I had to struggle to make it (sometimes going without eating) on a salary of $23,000. That $23,000 was hard-won and a result of my being convincing enough to persuade them that I was worth more than the $17,000 they initially wanted to pay me.

But to add insult to injury, one of the partners was erratic and mercurial due to a cocaine habit. He went on a ski trip to Colorado one year, brought back pictures, and made me sit down and go over them while he bragged about everything he'd done.

The other partner went to Ireland yearly, and regularly whined about how he would "have" to buy his wife some more of that famous Irish lace, which she collected each year when they went. At the time, the only thing that I "had" to buy was food and the bare necessities, scrimping and saving so that my child would be cared for.

I lived in a low-rent apartment with a hooker down the hall and a heroin addict above me. My only vacation was usually paid for by a kind friend, and it was a yearly trip to Bush Gardens (in the next town over) with my son.

I tried to never resent these men, but many employees did, and with good reason.

The years went by, and with hard work and diligence, I made a success of myself. But I saw the pattern repeated!

A boss who would wrangle with an employee over a 25 cent raise would turn around and spend thousands of dollars on a sculpture for his front lobby. Another boss would regularly leave his secretary with the secret that he was spending the day on the golf course, while she was left with his paperwork. He never even considered taking her along as a caddy, while he spent money on yearly memberships, greens fees, and golphing paraphanalia.

I would like to think that there's a special place in hell for these bosses.

I try very hard to never flaunt what I have, even though I've earned it through hard work. I consider myself to be "well-off" now. However, I realize that I have very little in comparison to many others. I recently met a man who believes my income is chump-change (of course he's made and lost millions!) But no matter how much I make, I hope that I can avoid flaunting it the way that these men have. If not, I hope that someone calls me on it.

The Ebay Scammer

Quick Update on Rosie

The preliminary tests came back: It's definately cancer.

And yesterday her hubby went to visit his mom in a town that's hours away. One of her close friends called me to tell me that she was worried that Rosie hadn't eaten all day, so at 2 PM I went over to her home with a burger, fries, and her favorite milkshake. Rosie didn't respond. I called her hubby who said she was probably just doped out from her pain meds. Perhaps I should have called the police, but I went home instead.

However, when her hubby got home at 5:30 that night, he found her passed out with a huge gash on her foot. We took her to the E.R. where she stayed overnight. They continue to run tests today.

The Ebay Scammer

I sold a beautiful pair of designer sunglasses on Ebay, and they went for about $150. I subsequently mailed them out, but got a message from the buyer, asking where they were.

Having sold on Ebay for some time now, I've grown to realize that there are many people that would like to buy something, claim they never got it, and end up with the product for free. Experience has taught me to always make sure that I have some sort of proof that the item was delivered. So I sweetly wrote back:

"Oh no! Are you telling me that you haven't received them yet? Luckily I paid extra money to get a tracking number on the package and I'll be happy to pass that number on to you so that you can see where and when the package was delivered. I'm sure we'll be able to solve this right away!"

I hadn't heard from the guy for days, when I unexpectedly got a terse note telling me that he'd left me great feedback and would appreciate the same.

"Oh!" I wrote. "So you finally got the package? Everything's OK?"

Yes, he replied brusquely. No problems at all. Just please leave him good feedback. His attitude wasn't the best. Yup, it sucks to have to pay for something you were planning on keeping for free, huh? You see, I knew he had received that package.

I was tempted. OH how I was tempted. But, I left him good feedback. I almost added the warning: "Make sure that all packages sent to this guy have a tracking number," but I didn't. Or, I could have made it even simpler: Seller Beware.

Away For the Weekend

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm going to be more out than in this weekend, and will return on Monday with my "normal" programming schedule. Have a wonderful weekend!

Rosie is OK So Far

Rosie is OK so far. If all goes well, she will come home today. They removed the tumor but not the thyroid, which seems to be a very good indication that all is not as bad as we feared it might be.

SaurKid brought her a stuffed toy, and we gave her flowers. Other friends brought gifts or love or both. At the end of the day, Rosie's hubby ("Syd") gave us all a single long-stemmed rose as a thank you for being there for Rosie. Although "Rosie" isn't her real name, I found it very appropriate. ;o)

Thank you so much for your thoughts, well-wishes and prayers. I am certain that they helped.

By this time next week, we'll all be nursing sore bellies from Thanksgiving! It's hard to believe that we're in the middle of the holidays once more. I am hopeful that we will have many things to give thanks for.

Rosie's in Surgery Today

We won't know anything until tomorrow, but are hoping and praying for a full recovery and that the doctor will get everything. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers today. Thank you!

Rosie Has Cancer

You remember one of my best friends, Rosie, don't you? On Friday we found out that it looks like thyroid cancer, although there's a very slim chance that it isn't. She's only 42.

Rosie's having a very hard time with this. She knows there's a good chance that she can beat it, but it's like being handed a death sentence. She's been in tears for days, but is trying to be strong. She goes in for tests today, surgery tomorrow, so I won't be available a great deal over the next 3 days.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you!

Why the Republicans Lost

Many pundits and analysts still don't get it. This recent election isn't about why the Democrats won, but why the Republicans lost so stunningly.

You see, voters were overwhelmingly voting anti-Republican. If there were any third party candidates, most voters avoided them in the fear that they would be handing the election to the incumbent (which is reasonable, although it's what keeps us shackled to a two-party system). So, voting anti-Republican means choosing a Democrat, but the motivations behind that choice are very different.

Look at it this way: Jack and Jill are married. Jill finds Jack cheating on her with Goldilocks, so in retribution she sleeps with Wee Willie Winkie. In retribution, you see. If Jack had been faithful, Jill wouldn't have looked twice at Wee Willie. The Republicans are Jack. They cheated on the public, broke our trust, and they neglected us.

I've heard some pundits waffle about how the country is obviously much more liberal than anyone thought. Really? In only 2 years? Then we must be dealing with a scenario straight out of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," because *I* haven't seen any radical shifts to the left. The U.S.A. remains centrist. Both parties would be wise to remember that, but usually they don't.

This may be the best thing that could have happened to the Republicans! If the Democrats are stupid, and the Republicans play their cards right, they can still win the Presidential election in two years. This is their wake-up call. It's time for them to return to their roots and throw out that silly neo-con platform that no one (except the neo-cons) ever warmed up to. Become a party of the people again!

Jack married Jill for her money.
Jill went by the voice in her heart.
Jack said that he was Jill's honey,
But he ran off with another tart.

Jack thought Jill was very silly,
And that he could easily cheat.
So then Jill turned to Wee Willie,
Much to Jack's defeat.

I'm a Glass Painting Rock Hound!

Glass Painting

I thought I'd give it a whirl this weekend. SaurKid and I took us wherever the winds led us (which is why I was silent all weekend) and I ended up with this goblet and a set of iridescent paints. (The paints dry within 10 days to be dishwasher safe. The painting is on the outside of the glass.)

I don't like the way the project ended up. I wouldn't recommend glass painting to anyone, because if you are a perfectionist (or want something that even looks semi-professional) these paints are annoying. They don't give an even coverage. Look at that picture of the goblet in front of the wood panelling. It really shows how spotty the paint job is, even after four careful applications!

Now, that may not matter to some people, but to me the results look half-arsed, even though I devoted a great deal of time to this (as I watched SaurKid play "Destroy All Humans 2" on his XBox). So, glass painting is now officially off my list of Fun Things to Do.

(P.S. The top picture shows the final product. I decided to outline it all in a pewter type of liner and I think it definately looks superior. Although I was hoping for the wispy look, it just didn't work.)

I do recommend "Destroy All Humans 2", though. It's wonderful for exorcising some of the angst after your glass painting project continues to frustrate you. Of special note: The alien anal probe. Although you don't really see it in action, the concept is enough. Overall, the game has a "thumbs up" from both of us.

Rock Hound

I'm a rock hound. Lately I've found a dealer that can supply me with my heart's desire at a very reasonable price. I truthfully must admit that I need to start a rock garden if this keeps up. This isn't a great pic of the latest crystal clusters that I've purchased, but I assure you that they're stellar and they're each at least the size of two fists put together.

I also bought this chunk of petrified wood from the same guy last week. Now this is the size of a basketball:

(Come to think of it, it looks a little like a chunk of meat, doesn't it? Ewww! It doesn't look like that "in person", however... )

Life is a Fair

I got this letter from my dear friend, Greg, a couple of days ago. I absolutely fell in love with it, and got his permission to share it with you. I know it will resonate in you, just as it did in me! I am simply amazed beyond belief that Greg doesn't realize that he should write for a living. This is typical of the sort of letter which he writes off-the-cuff.

Incidentally, the people that are mentioned here are Cindy (his ex-wife), and his three children: Lydia, Jared, and Caleb.

I don't know if you ever think like this but sometimes I see truth in strange places. I see life in terms of symbols and I tend to assign meanings to those symbols and my head is full of them. They can be as simple an aroma, like the smell of diesel fumes which always reminds me of the smoky diesel engines on the fishing boats I used to love.

I think this symbol was etched strongest in my mind on the fishing trips my dad and I would take to Key West. These were good times. My father would charter a boat and we'd go deep sea fishing together, the smell of diesel fumes and the salt air were beautiful to me. Dad and I had very few good times together but these times were precious and that smell always brings thoughts of hope and good times to me and usually cheers me up as I'm driving down the road and I get a whiff of a semi in front of me. I'm sure most people would find that smell annoying and unpleasant and even more would think I'm a real wack-job for loving such a disgusting scent, but I as I have come to understand lately I am different from most people and I tend to think that I will never be completely understood and for the first time in my life I don't really care.

This afternoon Cindy called me and invited me to see Lydia's dance performance at the Tallahassee Leon County Fair. I first declined because I wasn't sure I wanted to spend time with my ex-wife on one of the few Saturdays I had to myself. Later, I thought about it and called her back and accepted the offer.

We arrived just as it was getting dark and almost as soon as I got out of the car I realized that my mind would be working overtime processing, categorizing and retrieving thoughts and memories in this place so rich to me in symbolism.

I guess the first thing that hit me was the smell of food in the air, a rich mixture of cooking Polish sausages, popcorn and some really sweet smell that was either cotton candy or funnel cakes. With my first whiff I suddenly was thrust back into ten different times of my life, yet only one place. I was a kid again and me and my friend Billy were trying to win a goldfish. In my mind I was back to the time I took Cindy to the fair when we were first dating, it was cold and she never let go of my hand and we walked as one keeping each other warm. I was also back to the time Cindy and I took our little boys and they were so awed by the beautiful lights, the rides and the noise. I was struck by the fact that here in the middle of rapidly changing world was an oasis where time had stopped and nothing had changed. Nothing that is, but me.

It's funny sometimes when the knife is jammed deep into your belly and is twisted by an unknown hand. You can feel your life leaking out of the the wound past the blade as it turns. It seeps out , and falls to the ground in big drops. This is what I was feeling almost from the minute we arrived. I felt very stupid to have returned to a place with her that held so many happy memories for me, so many symbols that now will be infected and tainted forever. What was I thinking?

We started the evening the way we always did walking the grounds and people watching a so called family again walking the rows of freak shows and carney games, people yelling at us, trying to get us to play there rip-off game or see the Woman with No Head. It was cold yet Cindy stayed as far from me as she could get without being completely transparent as to her lack of feelings toward me. It hurt beyond words when I went back in my mind to the time we were there and she expressed such open affection towards me. I worried that I would never have that feeling again and that scared me.

Jared wasn't impressed anymore by the lights or the smell or anything else for that matter. I think he felt the same way that I did as he watched his family, no longer one but now five individuals pretending to have fun. He expressed more than once with his eyes that he wished he was somewhere else. I really longed to see that wonder in his eyes again to somehow pull some emotion up from deep inside him something that would tell me that my little boy was still in there and he was alright, but there was nothing, just a dull expression of pain and I knew his healing from this divorce was going to take a long time. I wished he was taking things more like Caleb and Lydia who seem to have adjusted without any trauma, but then I thought his pain will make him special too, lie me, I only hope not lonely as I am right now.

Finally, after a few rides in which I only watched, we went home. As I drove back I realized how perfect the symbol of the fair was for me and what I have become. When I was younger I thought of life as a wonderful place like the fair, full of light delicious smells, sounds and tastes. As I grew I still had this view and I brought Cindy along and showed her and eventually my kids my sweet exciting view of life and for a while they walked with me. But like the carnival games and shows my life has turned into an illusion and lately I feel like the clown in the dunking booth casting insults into a laughing crowd, getting humiliated time and time again as he is dunked into the cold water by a well thrown ball.

Right now, I am walking as a spectator through life neither participating or enjoying it. I am simply there, wishing for someone to walk with me, share a funnel cake and see the world smallest horse with. Maybe next year.

I wonder if the Woman with No Head is seeing anyone.

Post-Election Relaxation

America has breathed a long sigh of relief that it's all over, and has settled back into its comfort zone once more. The elected officials will again be left to their own devices.

Although we get all fired up for the elections, only 40% of us actually vote during non-presidential elections, and we are the ones that determine the direction of the country. The 60% who don't bother to vote, sit about on their keisters happily talking smack about the latest policy issues. And, sadly, perhaps 35% of that 40% also return to doing nothing.

Our elected officials know that. Once they're in office, they are much less influenced by the reasons we voted for them. But, it's our own fault. They aren't mind readers! So, they're left to their own interpretations and we can hardly cry "foul" unless we change what we are doing.

Now that you know this, let's see who gets to determine our policies in Florida going forward:

And the Winners Are...

Florida Governor: Charlie Crist (R)
Florida Attorney General: Bill McCollum (R)
Florida CFO: Alex Sink (D)
Florida Agriculture Commissioner: Charles Bronson (R)
Florida U.S. Senate: Bill Nelson (D)
Florida U.S. House: Gus Bilirakis (R), Bill Young (R) etc., etc., ad nauseum

I'm really not surprised or very disappointed by the results.

Gov. Charlie Crist: Although I voted differently, I've met Crist and he's a very personable man who's carefully positioned himself as a moderate. Let's just hope that he doesn't forget what he's recently claimed to be, because when I met him 10 years ago, he was pandering to the ultra-right wingers.

Charles Bronson: I also voted against Charles Bronson (Agriculture Commissioner) because he's in the pocket of Big Sugar and the cattle industry. We can be guaranteed that he will not be particularly interested in any environmental concerns. And if it comes to consumer vs. Big Business, I think we know who will win.

Overall, we did great, Florida! I'm delighted to see that the heavy rains didn't hold back the Democrats, as they usually do.

On the national front, the Democrats won the House of Representatives, which is probably very healthy for our country right now. We're still waiting to find out if the Senate remains red (R) or has turned blue (D). Interestingly, Bush is calling for everyone to work together. Er... just as they always have... Right? Right?

Bush may quickly discover that "paybacks are hell."

Voting With Kitty Litter Convictions

It's Election Day. That makes it almost mandatory to write something about the elections. After all, I used to be a political advisor! So, here's my intelligent, well-thought out advice: Um... wait a minute, I know I've got something. Hang on, hang on...

The truth is that in most of our elections, there are few candidates who are worth your vote. So, lotsa luck with that. Seriously.

Most of America joins me in being "moderate". At one time, we all viewed moderates as the fence sitters. These were the morons who either didn't have moral convictions or weren't bright enough to know the issues. And sure, we've got our village idiots.

But for me, being a moderate is to be an individual. I don't have to goosestep with the rest of the Republican party, I don't have to chant rhetoric with the Democrats. I sift through the kitty litter box to get to the nuggets of crap.

That kitty litter box needs cleaning this year.

The problem is, there are sometimes valuable things which are found in the kitty litter. Oh yes, it's rare to find anything of worth in there, but it happens. Say your cat swallowed your best cocktail ring, and you caught him just as it was going down. So you have to go through that litter box with a fine tooth comb, unpleasant though that may be.

Your political arena is your kitty litter box. If you haven't taken time to sort through the issues and politicians yet, it's time to break open your paper and read their op-ed piece today. Sure, they may give you some bad advice, but they'll give you enough information so that you can get out and vote a little more knowlegably than The Village Idiot.

I believe that many politicians will be cleaned out this year, and that's a good thing. The Republican Party stopped being the party of the people in the early 90s. The Democrats stopped at some point in the early 70s. There's a tiny chance that some of the newcomers may be willing to do the right thing for a little while, even if absolute power corrupts absolutely. We need a fresh start once more.

The problem is, you keep feeding that cat, you've gotta keep cleaning the litter box.

Saur Recommends

Florida Governor: Max Linn (Reform Party)
Florida Attorney General: Bill McCollum (R)
Florida CFO: Alex Sink (D)
Florida Agriculture Commissioner: Eric Copeland (D)
Florida U.S. Senate: Bill Nelson (D)
Florida U.S. House: Gus Bilirakis (R), Bill Young (R)

Florida Amendment 1: YES
Florida Amendment 2 was removed
Florida Amendment 3: NO
Florida Amendment 4: NO
Florida Amendment 5 was removed
Florida Amendment 6: NO
Florida Amendment 7: NO
Florida Amendment 8: YES

Heap Big Prestige!

Originally I wrote: "Sorry! I'm just way too busy today to write anything. The phones are going NUTS!!!"

However, as I'm on the phone, I'm skimming through ebay (I often do this. It beats fidgeting with a pencil!) and I came across this ad:

"Welcome to my ebay,now you can see a beautiful and wonderful artware,the item is very value .look at its figure,it is nobler and enthralling,it will give you the elegance and made you exalted. what magnetic item,please don't miss it,it will be a good present for you or for your friend,also it will give you more fortune and good luck."

This makes the book editor in me come out as a roaring lion (yes, it's something I've done in my checkered past). My fingers desperately itch for a red markup pen, and I immediately want to start slaying poor punctuation, radically altering grammar, and surgically removing horrific sentence structure.

ARGH!

If you are from another country and you wish to sell something to the English-speaking part of the world, you might want to bone up a little on it. First, (of course) the grammar is horrifically off-putting.

Second, they are marketing to westerners using eastern methods! After all, the western mentality is not geared toward a strong belief in "luck". Also, the average American is not sitting around saying to himself "Hmm! I need to buy something to make me exalted and enhance my prestige!" Of course they may think it (which is why so many BMWs and Porsches are sold every year) but no one wants to hear it said so blatantly. It makes your skin crawl!

I am thinking of writing to the seller and asking if it will also make me ooze sensuality and give me heap big prestige. That's what I'd like right now, more than anything.

Saddam Hussein Sentenced to Hang

The verdict's in, and Saddam is sentenced to hang.

There's no doubt that Saddam richly deserved any sentence he received, due to the overwhelming evidence against him. I was sold the moment I heard of the children's prisons. Even Scott Ridder (a peace activist) spoke of the horrors of those children's prisons and said he would not repeat what he saw, for fear of escalating the war even further. The barmy allegation that they were merely "orphanages" is not to be suffered.

Zainab Salbi is a very strong woman who grew up under the thumb of Saddam Hussein. I remember reading some of her chilling memories of the complete and abject fear that even the people who were closest to him shared with the lowest of his victims.

Perhaps CNN's leadership should hang with Saddam, since they contributed to the evil by covering up the atrocities in order to maintain a bureau in Bagdad. Their complicity encouraged his feeling of omnipotence and allowed the atrocities to continue for much longer than they might have. Of course there are so many people to blame here, including every past administration that turned their eyes away from the suffering and allowed them to pass almost unnoticed.

Along with Saddam will hang his half brother, Barzan Ibrahim, who is almost equally sadistic and murderous.

Whether Saddam is Muslim, Jewish, or Christian... Whether he is Shiite or Sunni... Whether he is Iraqi or American... he deserves to hang. But I am afraid that the trial took so long, and so few people followed it, that we may have forgotten exactly what he did.

The Kindness of Others

My mom has a simple necklace of assorted agate beads that I made her many years ago. She loves that necklace, and wears it often. In fact, she wears it so much that it's broken twice. Each time I fix it (but I'm beginning to wonder if the fault lies in my fixing abilities!)

The second time it broke (recently) she was standing in the post office. She said it was amazing to see how many kind and helpful people went scrambling about, hunting down the beads for her, until every last one was retrieved. When she had finally gathered everything up, she thanked everyone and went home.

Yesterday, she got a lumpy package in the mail which she wasn't expecting. "Looks like someone sent me anthrax," she said to Dad (our family has a quirky sense of humor at times). She ripped it open, and found inside... another missing bead. Someone at the post office had apparently found it, got her address off one of the packages she'd been sending, and popped it in the mail.

What a pleasant surprise! It's reassuring to realize that there still are times when we are blessed by the kindness of others.

The Little Things That Excite Me

Remember hearing Julie Andrews sing "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things..."

Sometimes it's the small things in life that you give you the greatest satisfaction. For instance, a couple weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend had his bike stolen. I loaded up his daughter's bike (she doesn't come here to visit any more) and brought it to him. He was pleased, and I knew that when he got another bike, he'd still have hers around so that they could go riding together.

But, I had been riding her bike with SaurKid (if you recall, I taught him how to ride recently). What to do?

I'm a thrifty shopper. I fail to see the need to buy something new if a used one will do. So, I kept my eyes open. Two days ago, I happened by a house with a sign up: "Bikes for Sale!" The guy's hobby is used bikes. He buys them in big lots, tinkers with them to get them in working order, then resells them. If a bike is missing a part, he undoubtedly has a good substitute.

I stopped, and we fell to talking. I didn't like what he had, and told him I was looking for something a little nicer. That's when he told me about a bike that was still awaiting new tires, which was why it hadn't been put out. It's an excellent brand-name bike that sells (when new) for $300-$400. It had been taken horrible care of and there were scratches and gouges all over the frame. I was a little reluctant, but he assured me that it was a deal at $65. He put on the new tires, and urged me to hop on and try it.

It rode like a dream! But I was still concerned about the way it looked. I asked if he knew anyone that did custom paint jobs on bikes. "Yeah," he said, "for a couple hundred bucks! If you are willing to spend that, I'd recommend you get a new bike." He had a good point. "Look," he said. "Go to the local drugstore. They have nail polish in all colors, with a built-in brush. Touch up the paint yourself. You'll be surprised!"

So, I bought the bike (I had done my homework and knew that it was a good one). I took it home, and set out in search of nail polish that would match it. I found some on the first try, and took a little time yesterday to dab it everywhere it was needed.

It worked like a charm! The bike still looks obviously used, but the polish was a perfect match. It doesn't even look like the same bike! I also had to buy a kickstand for it, and I need a couple handlebars (the current ones are pretty worn). Altogether, I will have spent a total of about $80 for a bike worth a minimum of $300. Not a bad deal, huh?

And here I spent the entire post talking about something which has probably put every one of you to sleep.

Which illustrates my point. It's the little things that excite me.

The Kerry SNAFU

I've never been a fan of John Kerry. I think the guy's got mincemeat for brains. But, because I believe he's not too bright, I may have to cut him a little slack on his most recent comments.

Perhaps you've heard of the newly released records which show that Bush and Kerry had a virtually identical grade average at Yale University four decades ago.

"In 1999, The New Yorker published a transcript indicating that Bush had received a cumulative score of 77 for his first three years at Yale and a roughly similar average under a non-numerical rating system during his senior year.

Kerry, who graduated two years before Bush, got a cumulative 76 for his four years, according to a transcript that Kerry sent to the Navy when he was applying for officer training school. He received four D's in his freshman year out of 10 courses, but improved his average in later years."*

So... we're not exactly dealing with a rocket scientist here.

As you all probably know, here's the comment he made which is causing all the furor:

“You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

Here's what his spokesperson claims that he meant to say:

“Do you know where you end up if you don’t study, if you aren’t smart, if you’re intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush.”

(If you ask me, his spokesperson should be running for office).

Many conservative talk show hosts pounced on this immediately, as did George Bush and other politicians. I've heard some pundits righteously declare that even Hillary Clinton spoke out against Kerry's comments, therefore why should we cut him any slack?

However, let's not forget that Hillary's got her eyes on the goal. She wants to be the first female President of the United States. Kerry was one of her main competitors. Hmmmm. Could she have a hidden (or not-so-hidden) agenda?

And I think it's pretty obvious why others were eager to make hay out of Kerry's SNAFU. However, love him or hate him, it's very possible that he had not intended to make such a politically suicidal comment. But it's also very possible that he had never considered the repercussions of his hypocritical attack on George Bush's IQ (which he claims was his original intent).

PeeWee Herman used to say "It takes one to know one!" John Kerry is claiming that Bush is an idiot, and I don't disagree. But... when I start quoting PeeWee Herman as a more intelligent source than John Kerry, it's time to stop writing for the day.

* Source: The Boston Globe

A Telemarketer's Nightmare

My assistant, Zen Buddhist, works only part time for me. Her primary job is as a telemarketer. Her son sent her this snippet last night and we laughed ourselves sick!

So, although there is interesting news everywhere (such as Kerry's major SNAFU in California yesterday), let's take a break and listen in on the ultimate telemarketer's nightmare call...

Bob_and_Tom___Tele...

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