The Christmas Fart

My brother "Adam" was The Fart King. He passed gas more than your Great Grandma and Great Grandpa combined. He could even fart at will, which many other boys thought was an art. "Pull my finger," he'd suggest. Any victim stupid enough to do so would always regret it.

Adam could never eat beans. The results were notorious. Whenever mom made chili, we stayed far away from Adam and pitied our younger brother "Sam" (who shared his room). I was the oldest, therefore I tried to be the most dignified. I would say little, and stay above the fracas, unless it directly affected me. Then I would lay into him and badger him into a rather sheepish apology. "One day you'll regret this, Adam!" I would roar. "You have to get control of it!"

When Adam was a pre-teen, he and Sam were asked to play as shepherds in our church's nativity play. Although they didn't need to learn any lines, they were supposed to stand in the background, holding their shepherd crooks, gazing adoringly at the plastic baby in the manger.
On the night of the nativity play, Mom made chili. Now, Mom's chili is delicious. Most people don't make it as well as she does, and as I recall, Adam even had a second helping. For some reason, no one considered the dire consequences that could result from it.

That evening, the play started out very well. The church was full, and everyone was expectant. Kids of all ages filed onto the stage as their turn came, and eventually there were several angels, shepherds, three wisemen, Mary, Joseph, and plastic Baby Jesus.

True to their roles, Adam and Sam were among the shepherds, gazing adoringly into the manger. The room grew hushed as the announcer began to speak of that silent night long ago, when...

A massive fart split the air.

Magnified by a nearby microphone, it rattled throughout the church. There was a moment of stunned silence, and then a mass exodus from the stage. Mary and Joseph scrambled over helpless victims to get away from the toxic explosion, leaving Baby Jesus to fend for himself. Adam was left on stage, turning bright red, as Sam cowered away from him.

The church watched in hushed awe. Then, someone began to chuckle. That chuckle spread like wildfire and soon everyone was laughing. Adam shrugged awkwardly, which only added to the merriment.

Once the air had cleared, everyone resumed their places and the play continued. But, Adam was never asked to be a shepherd again. The Christmas Fart became the stuff of legend, and was re-told as a cautionary tale for many years after.

And now you know the story of The Christmas Fart. And why you should avoid eating chili if you're about to go on stage. And (most importantly) if you ever have Adam over to dinner, I recommend that you serve something easily digested. His wife will thank you.