A Taxing Time

My 2006 taxes aren't done, due to the fact that my ex-accountant is a crook and lazy as hell.

I wasn't in a rush, as he assured me that I would break even or the government might even owe me a little money.

Over the last year, I would periodically check and would be told that I had never given him [insert latest item he'd lost]. Over that year, I replaced tax and bank statements, a mortgage statement, and more.

At one point, his secretary even tried to tell me that I'd never given him the file at all. In a long-suffering tone, I told her exactly where it was in his storage room and what it looked like. She called me back later that day to admit that that was exactly where it was.

When others were getting their 2007 taxes done, he told me that those were the priority and mine would be done afterwards. When I dared to question this, he told me that if he could't take his time, I would probably end up with all sorts of taxes to pay after all.

What is this? Does this guy belong to the Accountant Mafia?

Although he is a business accountant, his lack of professionalism stymies the imagination.

I got fed up in April after months of his excuses, and went to collect the papers myself.

Since then, I've been trying to make sense out of the jumble he'd created. It's not been easy, but I hesitate to trust them to another accountant. They're late already: Why trust them to someone else who is likely to have absolutely no idea where The Mobster left off? And certainly they'll have no idea what most of the expenses are. So, I've been slogging through it as I have time.

On Friday, I got a friendly note from the IRS telling me that I need to cough up my tax return and I should call them immediately. There was also a note informing me that they might interview my employer, employees, bank, friends and neighbors.

Not to thumb my nose at the IRS or anything, but don't they realize that this is as threatening as a day at the beach? I've already been through The Audit From Hell. I know I'm in the right here, and they're welcome to contact my employer (me), my employees (me), my friends (who know about me), my bank (who doesn't care about me), and my neighbors (who undoubtedly need new material on me).

Still, the letter asked me to call them ASAP, so I dutifully called today to explain that I needed more time. Mr. Asswipe answered the phone and bluntly told me that they didn't want any explanations. Instead, he took the opportunity to threaten me by telling me that if my taxes weren't in by the end of the year, they'd assign a "fictitious amount" (his words, not mine) to me and demand payment.

I told him I really didn't need to be threatened and I understood they were the bad guys and I wasn't going to let grass grow under my feet. Mr. A was very offended by my allegation and told me so. He also added that they didn't need an explanation, so I said that was fine by me, and hung up.

Fancy that: I'm thinking that the IRS doesn't have my best interests at heart. Shocking! What's next? Is it possible that the FDA isn't really a competant organization? Perhaps George Bush isn't a paragon of virtue!

The mind reels.