How to Read a Job Posting

So many people are looking for work right now, due to the high unemployment/under-employment rate. As a courtesy to all, I've compiled this handy guide born from years of experience. Following are common phrases found in many postings, and how to translate them.

"No experience necessary": A trained monkey could do this job. In fact, Bobo was doing just fine until he ate a bad banana one day. The funeral was beautiful.

"Small base and uncapped commission": Get used to the small base. Our "uncapped commission" is ten cents for every $200 package you sell. But guess what?! You can sell as many as you like! Hope you can find a market for people are are willing to buy a combination cheese grater and nose hair trimmer.

"We supply warm leads": What we really supply is the Yellow Pages: Let your fingers do the walking.

"Candidate can expect to easily make $70,000 in the first year": That is, if you are expecting an inheritance from your rich uncle.

"Fun office environment":  There's a guy named Greg who constantly leaves fake vomit on your desk, while Steve likes to throw a football at you when you're least expecting it. The "fun" is inversely proportional to the money you'll make. In other words, expect to be on food stamps.

"Must have lead generating experience": We don't know how the hell to find clients.

"Must have entrepreneurial spirit": We aren't going to pay you squat, so you'd better be what we call a "rainmaker", since we're the Sahara.

"Come professionally dressed": Our employees are so unprofessional that they'll wear flip flops and a t-shirt that says "I'm with stupid" to an interview unless we warn them first. Your colleagues will not be mental giants.

"Commission only":  We don't believe in our product, but we sure hope you will.

"In home consultant": You'll be working late nights and weekends going to dodgy places to meet shady customers. You'd better get that license-to-carry you've been talking about.

"Must be flexible":  You must be able to juggle better than a circus performer on crack. We will expect you to be able to simultaneously handle a customer complaint, make 25 collated copies of the latest financial reports, and answer the phones.

"Above average pay":  You'll earn every penny of it.

"Fun contests!": Everyone here will stab you in the back to win that $10 Starbucks gift card.

"Drug test required for employment": So stop smoking pot for a couple of weeks. After that, feel free to light one up any time, any where. There's even an unofficially designated area just outside the back door. We only do that initial test because our insurance carrier demands it.

"Background check required": After you're hired, though, feel free to hold up a bank. We'll never run another check on you as long as you've been bailed out in time for work.

"Sales professional $10/hour": OK, we lied about the "professional" part.

"Must be positive and upbeat": ...because there's little to be positive or upbeat about. In our office, we believe in "fake it til ya make it."

"Must be able to work days/nights, weekends and select holidays as needed": You will be working days/nights, weekends and all holidays.

"We're all about people": Our HR Manager told us to say that.