Sunday, December 30, 2012

Racist Slur

I see an ad on Craigslist for a clothes washer. We go to this house where a pot bellied redneck comes strolling out to meet us. The washer is an old avocado green one that's been painted over in an attempt to make it look newer, and it's not worth the $75 he's asking. I point out the chipped paint and offer $50.

"Hey naw," the redneck drawls. "Ah KNOW what it's wuth. Yah cain't jew me down lak"

WHAT??? Did that piece of ignorance just come out of his mouth? I can't hold back, so I lie (I know, lying is wrong - don't do this at home, kiddies).

"I find that very offensive," I say coldly, "since I am Jewish."

His eyes shift. "Er, uh, wahl it's awl good," he replies.

"No," I snap, "It ISN'T." And I turn on my heel and leave.


Saturday, December 08, 2012

No Need For Concern

While Austin was putting up Christmas lights, 3 police cruisers went by and a helicopter searched the neighborhood. Austin finally flagged down a cop who told him that "it wasn't something for the public to be concerned about."

Ten minutes later we heard siren wails as police cars raced down the road. Austin poked his head in the door and announced "The cops are now chasing whoever we aren't to be concerned about."

Friday, November 16, 2012

1/6 of the World Gone, Not With a Bang but With a Whimper

I just looked up abortion stats in Wikipedia and realized that a full 1/6 of the world's population has been aborted since 1973. O_o

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention

I just saw an article titled "5 Ways to Keep a Man's Attention: How to Keep Your Man Around for Good." I would expect to see that title from a woman's magazine in the 40s, but... really??? How about substituting "Spouse" for "Man" and making the article for everyone?

Besides: Everyone knows the top 5 ways to get a man's attention:

1. A shrill scream in the night.
2. Waiting till he drinks the milk out of the carton before you say "Ohmigosh! You didn't drink that, did you? I just heard on the news that they just found someone's finger in one of those cartons!"
3. Dog poop in front of the bathroom door.
4. Wearing a hat with long ostrich plumes to the beach.
5. Standing in a major parking lot singing "I'm a little teapot" while wielding knitting needles.

Friday, October 19, 2012


Your Word of the Day is "kerfuffle." Since this word sums up the current Presidential race, I assume you will use it liberally today. You're welcome.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


My parents got me a cuckoo clock when they went to Germany's Black Forest recently. It's awesome... except when I find myself saying something really stupid out loud and it's suddenly followed by a click, whir... and a "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

At those times, I'm awfully glad I'm not on a reality show.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Palmetto Bug

HOLY COW!!! The Palmetto Bugs (a.k.a roaches) down here in Florida are so huge they have landing gear! I have one that got in my house and. is. stalking. me. It is at least 3 inches long. I am about to have a heart attack. O_o

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Mistaken Identity

So my friend, Terri, and I go to this bookstore. We pick out some cookbooks and a couple other books and go to check them out. The nice old lady strikes up a conversation with us and says how great those cookbooks look.

"Yeah," says Terri, "I LOVE to cookl"

"That's true," I chime in, "She's FANTASTIC."

"I'm really domestic," Terry adds. "I can't stop cleaning either."...

"That's true," I say. "She's a powerhouse."

"Well," replies the old dear to me, "That hardly seems fair. She does the majority of the work! You're one lucky lady!"


OK, I know I wear my hair short, but ...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Magazine Idea

Men have "manly topic" magazines full of half-dressed hotties. I think it's time for women to have cooking or craft magazines with half-dressed men holding up casseroles and knitted baby blankets! Michael's Craft Store should sponsor my idea.

Saturday, August 04, 2012

Confession is Good for the Soul

For those of you who know about the crazy mother-in-law (known for being a compulsive liar):

Yesterday she told my husband that she hired a private eye to follow me around and he found out things about me that would shock him!

Yup: It's time to come clean about my sickness. I WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHES!!! There. I said it.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Can Beat Any Mother-in-Law Tale

OK, yes. I admit it: My mother-in-law is right. How did she EVER guess that my whole wedding was an elaborate set-up to pacify my "husband" but we're not really married? I am in awe of her sheer genius and uncanny ability to see right through me. It gives me the chills.

I had to hire a lot of actors, but it was worth it. Bwahahaha! Of course it got rather expensive, and I still owe my friend Rene big bucks for playing the part of "Maid of Honor". That kind of talent doesn't come cheaply!

But my mother-in-law hasn't figured THIS out yet: I'm really a space alien with plans to dominate the earth. Viva la Revolution! BOW before ME, people of the earth! I will grind you all beneath the heel of my Antonio Melani boot.

(You're my paid friends and/or pretend family members. I'm counting on you to keep this a secret]

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Some Recipes Are Like SciFi

I saw a great quote the other day: "Reading recipes is like reading science fiction. I get to the end and say, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
I learned the pinch/dab method from my mother. Both Mom and her mom were great gourmet cooks and I am a wonderful cook to a point. But there are some recipes that simply don't interest me. You know the kind I mean: They have 10 ingredients or more, and at least one of the ingredients is something that you have to travel to the next city to find. I will not take that challenge. If I want something that fancy, I'll find a 5-star chef.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Frack That

When I was writing a series of green practices and procedures manuals for an educational group, I ran across the enheartening statistic that there are 100 years' worth of natural gas beneath the USA! Of course that could mean a lessened dependence on oil.

Perhaps some of you have heard of that natural gas claim? Sadly, it turns out to be incorrect.