Michael Jackson: Dead Freak

I wasn't going to talk about Michael Jackson any more. Really. But some idiot keeps attempting to post something that goes like this:

"Leave Michael ALONE! He is DEAD! Let that man rest in PEACE!"

It reminds me of the "Leave Britney Spears ALONE" whiner on YouTube.

Since when are we supposed to rewrite history? If we are banned from telling the truth about people after they're dead, let's throw out the history textbooks. If we're going to apply that rule to everyone, then:

1. Hitler was a talented architectural artist, with a great taste in classical art, and was a military genius.

2. Marilyn Monroe was a virginal, innocent beauty.

3. American slavery never existed. After all, all those slavers are dead now. In fact, should we call them slavers? Perhaps "People Merchants" is a more politically correct term.

Spare me from fools.

As I wrote before, it is not possible to exploit Michael Jackson. The man begged for publicity. He even demanded that MTV begin calling him The King of Pop. What, you thought that title came from nowhere? I want to be called The Grand Poobah, but MTV isn't returning my calls right now.

Yes, Jackson's daughter proclaimed him to be the best father in the world. But what could she compare him to? It's not as if she had a normal childhood, and kids are notoriously gullible. For all she knows, it's normal to live in seclusion, wear mardi gras masks in public, and have a black father who pretends he's a white woman. And perhaps Jackson didn't molest her: He was notoriously fond of boys.

Interestingly, McCauley Culkin didn't attend the memorial service and has issued no statements about Jackson's death, despite his former public (and probably paid-for) statements denying that Jackson had ever molested him. And people who were molested as children often have very conflicting emotions about the molestors, for varying reasons. If he was molested by Jackson, I'm sure that Culkin wants to put this behind him.

So what if Jackson was beaten by his father? Many people were abused as children but made the choice to live wholesome lives as adults. A sordid past is a reason, but it is never an excuse for future behavior.

If Michael Jackson were still alive, he'd be enjoying this publicity. Perhaps somewhere, somehow, he is tearfully whispering into a microphone in his faux falsetto that he is ever so grateful for his fans, but why can't everyone just leave him alone? It's not like he's ever done anything to deserve all this! Oh, and by the way, that's "King of Pop". Yes, Pop. Capital P.

My Crackberry

Want to hear something really smart that I just did?

Yeah, me too. Too bad I can't come up with anything.

I am a Metro PCS customer. Overall, it's a great, cheap service and I enjoy using it. They don't drop calls nearly as much as they used to, and if you call customer service and pretend that you want to buy something, you can actually speak to a live person and not an overly cheerful pre-recorded message which answers precisely none of your questions.

So, Metro PCS is about as helpful as your average cellphone provider.

However, they recently added Blackberrys to their line of phones. The way Metro PCS works, you have to buy the phone outright because their service is so cheap, this is the only way they make significant profit. And the new Metro PCS Blackberrys were exhorbitantly expensive about a month ago: $550. I see the price has now dropped to $400.

So, I figured I'd beat the system. I'd go on Craig's List, find one of these that is being sold cheaply, and have it "flashed" to Metro PCS. So, I bought a Blackberry Curve from a local college student for $200, and took it to the nearest Metro PCS store.

But Metro PCS was already ahead of me, here. They had figured that their customers might pull something like this, and it would greatly ding their profit margin. So, they outright refuse to "flash" such a phone over to their service.

Well, they don't exactly outright refuse. Instead, they tell you that they can do it, but you won't have any of the original features from the Blackberry and they can't provide them. In other words, your Blackberry suddenly becomes a generation zero cell phone and you might as well be walking around with a phone that looks like this:

So since the official Metro PCS store won't do it properly, one of the clerks slipped me a card for a guy who will do it. Apparently this is a very shady transaction, as they can lose their license to do business with Metro PCS if they go ahead and do it the right way, instead of the wrong way that Metro PCS wants.

Since then, I've been to a couple of these shady cell phone operators. The first two shook their heads after a while and pronounced it next-to-impossible to do. Each successive company looks a little shadier.

The most recent one had a group of gang members sitting around in the lobby, joking about Michael Jackson.

"Fudge packer," one pronounced, which brought a fit of giggles out in each of them.

"Fudge packer," another one agreed, shaking his head. More giggles ensued.

By the end of it, I'd head the word "Fudge packer" at least 20 times, and these simple souls were nearly on the floor due to the hilarity of it all.

I said nothing, as I had no idea if any of them was "packing" a weapon.

So, this particular shady operation has had my crackberry for three days now. I am still waiting to see if they're able to get it switched over to Metro PCS. If that doesn't work, I'm quite terrified as to where I'll be referred to next.

Of course this could all have been averted if Metro PCS was willing to make the whole transition a little easier. So, if I'm killed by the Fudge Packer Gang, I blame Metro PCS.

I'll try to text out my last words.

Police Sketches

The Gaffney SC serial killer was just shot and killed, supposedly putting an end to a killing spree that has been going on in a small town of only 13,000. The man identified as the serial killer is Patrick Burris.

However, the police sketch which had been released the day before looks absolutely nothing like Burris. Burris has a piggy nose, a round, flabby, oval face, and deep-set eyes. The sketch shows a man that looks more like Billy Bob Thornton (the actor).

The police claim that the gun recovered from Patrick Burris is the same gun which killed all of the victims. I am now old enough to know that police aren't always right, or honest, and I question the great discrepancy between the photo and the sketch of the killer.

Of course that isn't to say that Patrick Burris isn't the serial killer: He very well may be. But if he is, what does this say about the police sketch artist?

Why do we even bother with sketch artists? As Fox News reported, "Several studies have shown sketches are unreliable when it comes to identifying suspects, but many departments nationwide still use them." And we know that a sketch is only as good as the witness(es) who contributed to it.

Perhaps it's time for the South Carolina police to rethink their sketch artist. Maybe his or her salary would be better used toward something that will actually make a difference.

My Neurotic Dog

I've written about my neurotic dog, BoBo, before. He's really the Dustin Hoffman of the dog world.

Like most purebred poodles, he's exceedingly smart. Here is a classic pose for him. You can see that he's sure that with a little work he can crack the code to human speech and revolutionize the dog world forever.

Lately he's been out of control. In the last couple of weeks, he's peed on my gorgeous sofa, my bed (I had to throw out my mattress topper and buy a new one), and last night he peed on Sonosaur's bed pillow.

The moment I saw the latest pee attack (or should I say smelled?), I flipped out. "That's IT," I screeched. "I am taking his balls off tomorrow!"

I immediately researched different neutering clinics in the area, determined to be at their door first thing in the morning. However, my dad talked me out of it. "He might have a urinary tract infection, or diabetes," my dad suggested. "Take him to your vet's first."

So I did.

And BoBo's just fine. Well, physically he's fine. But the vet thinks he's experiencing separation anxiety since I'm gone more during the day than I used to be. So, the vet's put him on an anti-anxiety medication which may help in two weeks or more.

In the meantime, I'm going to be doing a lot of steam cleaning.

Thoughts for the Week

1. I am still getting amazing response to my articles on employment scammers. The one that really gets a rise out of people is the one about the Vanara Scam, which is apparently still going strong.

2. There is great surprise among some people that Michael Jackson isn't the biological father of his children. You're kidding, right? You actually think that MJ would have produced glowingly white kids? These people need to go back to remedial high school biology.

3. Mark Sanford is a goober. He got a free pass from his wife and most of the press the first time around, but now he calls another press conference to natter on about how he's slogging along trying to rebuild his marriage with his wife (good ol' whatsername) but his mistress is his true soulmate.

Barf.

How high school is this? Obviously the man is a few fruit loops short of a bowl and needs to step down from his post. Yesterday.

4. Cap and Trade. here is a great site with some wonderful links to cap and trade arguments.

What am I missing? Why are ultra right wingers frothing at the mouth over this?

Is it Possible to Exploit Michael Jackson's Death?

A recent headline in the Daily News self-righteously trumpets "Bloodsuckers positioning themselves to exploit Michael Jackson's tragic death".

And... what, exactly, is the Daily News doing?

I think it's truly silly to complain now about all the publicity surrounding this freak. After all, Jackson thrived on it for all of his life. Oh it's true that he, like many celebrities, dramatically complained about the adulation that he received. But with that adulation came money.

If, as the Bible says, the love of money is the root of all evil, it's pretty apparent that Jackson was willing to put up with some evil for the money that he adored. Jackson slung around money like a flower girl slings rose petals at a wedding.

If Jackson was truly a shy, retiring flower, he never would have dangled his youngest child out of the hotel window to show him off the the adoring crowds below. In the ultimate act of egotistical arrogance, he named his sons Prince Michael I and II. And as everyone knows, wearing masks in public will never draw attention. No, never.

Jackson was a male version of Madonna. Until his molestation trial, he had truly never met a piece of publicity he didn't like, despite what he claimed. If he had wanted to live a quiet life, he certainly could have. Excesses such as Neverland and his ongoing plastic surgeries and skin bleaching were bound to create talk, and he knew it. The trumpeted musical genius was hardly stupid.

Jackson became the Elephant Man he adulated. And just as we continue to refer to the Elephant Man today, we will also continue to refer to Michael Jackson as a symbol of an unpleasant yet talented freak. He will continue to be the three ring circus he was in life. Death will not stop the process, nor would he want it to.

Mark Sanford Gets Lucky

After reading the title of this post, you could arguably say that Sanford already "got lucky", which is why he's in such a pail of hot water.

But Sanford got even luckier: Both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died yesterday. Talk about a twofer! The news was about nothing but celeb deaths, and Sanford's little pecadillo was swept under the rug.

For now.

Rabbit Trail Alert: You know what's odd? I googled Sanford's wife and she was not pretty. She's gaunt, and looks older than her years. Her complexion is pasty, her coloring poor. Then I googled Sandford's mistress, and I have to say the man didn't stray far - his mistress looks like a younger version of his wife.

OK, back to my original post. The rabbit has been coralled.*

In my opinion, Sanford's SNAFU needs to be covered more, while the celeb deaths need to be covered less. Sanford has or could potentially affect all of us through his politics, but what does it matter if Fawcett or Jackson are dead?

Fawcett is known for her red-hot swimsuit poster that lived in the rooms of young boys everywhere throughout the 70s. She was also known for her poor acting ability and her breathless role as Jill in Charlie's Angels.

Jackson was known for his singing talent and molestation of children.

Neither is a great loss as a human being, although there is no doubt that both contributed to American pop culture.

But I am concerned that we are getting so used to politicians being slimy that we may collectively sigh "Ah, well... What's next?"

If a man can cheat on his wife, it tells you what kind of man he is. I said it about Bill Clinton, and I'm saying it about Mark Sanford. When a man is willing to lie to and cheat on his wife, we can be sure that we'll fare no better if it's in his interest to do so.

Additionally, it appears that Sanford may have used taxpayer's funds to carry on his dalliances. If so, he needs to be brought up on criminal charges. Certainly he has a history of lying to everyone, so I wouldn't be surprised to discover this.

Sanford is stepping down from his role as chairman of the Republican Governors Association, but that's small potatoes. He needs to step down from his post as Governor of South Carolina, as well.

*This is actually not a hoax: Large rabbits like this are bred in Germany by Karl Szmolinsky. There have been email hoaxes about them, but they do indeed exist and are a specially developed breed that cannot live in the wild.