Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Eat "Real" Food Trend

What's wrong with this picture?

Let me give you a hint: It's completely incorrect.

Here's how this misinformation is spread. First, the statistics SOUND impressive. That is, until you ask yourself this question: Where does that 80% "food" come from, then? Outer space? Do we have a secret import treaty with Mars?

That food on the supermarket shelves exists today because we now have pasteurization, safe canning practices, and we've discovered certain food preservatives that aren't harmful to our health but keep some foods fresh for a longer period of time.

The food on the supermarket shelves is a substitute for taking home the basic essentials and making it ourselves. We no longer have to buy the flour and other ingredients to make the bread, unless we want to. So instead of shelves of flour, we have shelves of bread. That bread isn't a threat to our health and it isn't something that recently sprung into being. It's the result of the food manufacturers giving us what we want: Time saving alternatives.

Now yes, of course there are some things that may not be healthy alternatives: Artificial sweeteners, for example. But there we also have disinformation. I still hear people talking about how artificial sweeteners turn to formaldehyde in your blood. That's patently ridiculous, of course. If it were true, people would die instantaneously after their first can of Diet Coke. But the rumor itself won't die, no matter how many scientific papers are written to counteract it. However, artificial sweeteners may be associated with cancer and neurological damage, so I will agree that they're best avoided. Stevia seems to be a healthy alternative to sugar. For now, at least.

The real question to ask, though, is: Why is there a trend to shun processed foods?

Well fear usually produces a desire for solutions. And the people who are promoting THIS particular meme are The Farmacy and When you go to, you see it's a private site, intent on building a name for themselves and disseminating dubious nutritional information. In their FAQ they write "Thank Your Body, LLC is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to" In other words, they are looking to earn money through advertising, and they also sell various products. The Farmacy is more up-front and sells all types of goodies geared toward the health-conscious who want to avoid 'processed' grocery store foods and other hobgoblins.

Now there is no doubt that some processed foods really aren't good for you because we tend to overindulge. High fat / high sugar / high salt foods aren't healthy for anyone and if they're easier and cheaper to indulge in because we no longer have to make them ourselves...well, it's obvious that the consumer who lacks self control will overeat them if given the opportunity. But don't get someone's lack of self-control mixed up with the product itself. It's OK to eat a little ice cream: It's NOT OK to eat a gallon in one sitting. Over-consumption isn't the manufacturer's fault. They supply, we demand.

Great-Grandma didn't have the advantages we do. GG also didn't understand germs, hygiene, and many other things that we take for granted. And don't fool yourself: GG didn't pop into the store to grab some sausage. She made it herself in a grueling process after her husband slaughtered the hog...and her sausage was no healthier than Jimmy Dean's. In fact, it was probably a heart-attack-on-a-plate.

Of course fresh fruits, whole grains, veggies, and quality protein is best for you. But don't walk in trembling fear down the supermarket aisles. That bag of Doritos isn't waiting to snatch your little children away from you and donuts aren't luring your husband down the highway to hell.

If you want to take a precious piece of old-fashioned wisdom away with you, try this instead: "Moderation in all things."

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


I am fully convinced that Rapunzel's mother traded her to the witch for arugula, and I can't really blame her.

If you want to experience heaven-on-a-plate, chop up a few eggs, some honey baked ham, mix them into arugula and add blue cheese salad dressing.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Aborted Babies Burned for Fuel

The Washington Times is reporting that aborted and miscarried babies were burned for fuel in many UK hospitals.

I am confused: Why should this matter in the least if an aborted baby is just a lump of non-baby flesh? I'm surprised they're not putting the fetuses in formaldehyde and selling them as a novelty item in Spencer Gift Stores.

Surely this should come as no surprise to anyone. Did they expect that the hospitals were giving them proper funerals?

According to abortion stats in Wikipedia, a full 1/6 of the world's population has been aborted since 1973.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Java Jive

Who has ever been so tired they dumped the ground coffee directly into the coffee maker without the filter? This girl.
My brother still laughs about Mom's daily ritual, which was to struggle to the kitchen, pour a cup of coffee and sink blissfully into a chair muttering "Ah, coffee. My life's blood." I now completely understand it.
I had an eye opening revelation years ago when I read an article that said the cheaper coffee beans are overcooked (actually burned) to give them that supposedly "rich" (i.e. bitter) flavor that Starbucks is notorious for. The better coffees are actually supposed to be mellow and trip lightly over the palate. Starbucks uses cheap stuff and then advertises the heck outta it.
The other day I picked up a bunch of gourmet coffee. Deciding to be adventurous, I grabbed a bag of Mayan Mocha Spice. What could go wrong? ...until I made a pot of it this morning. Their "spice" is red hot chile pepper, and lots of it... as if heartburn from coffee alone isn't enough! Leave it to the Mayans, well-renown for their torture methods. This "delightful" combo makes as much sense as tomato ice cream.
Speaking of which, I once bought "Gloria Jean's Butter Toffee Coffee." I tasted no toffee. However, there's this unholy sensation of drinking movie theater butter... :-P I think these coffee companies are getting a mite too creative these days.
How is the amount of water that I put IN to my coffeemaker so much less than the amount of coffee that comes OUT? Does it all go into the same black hole that my socks go to?!

Somewhere out there, there are extraterrestrials who are going about their day, minding their own business, when they're suddenly slapped upside the head by a mismatched pair of soggy socks.
...and on the morning of the 8th day, God invented coffee and said "This is even better than Adam."

You Know I'm Right

Is it really so important that others like your particular point of view? In the grand scheme of life, is it worth becoming upset over something that isn't life-shattering like a particular sports team? The British Royal Family? Having a vested interest in these things when they have NO vested interest in you is not wise. Take an interest in the things that truly affect you, choose your stands and your fights wisely so you can be truly effective. This has been a public service announcement from My Favorite Color is Blue and if You Don't Agree You Can Take a Flying Leap.


I Wonder What Fanny Farmer Candies Are Called in the UK?

American Colloquialism / British Swear Word: I was recently corrected by a dear friend from the UK. Apparently you do NOT want to tell someone from the UK that you just "spanked your kid's fanny" because "fanny" is a euphemism for female nether regions over there and does NOT have the same connotation as it has on this side of the puddle. You have been warned.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by "Bloody is ALSO a Bad Swear Word in the UK: Who Knew?"

A Collection of Recent Thoughts in No Particular Order

Sometimes guys can be clueless, sometimes girls can be. I once had a really cute guy accuse me of flirting with him when I hadn't been, so I kept insisting I wasn't, when what he wanted me to do was to start. I only realized that later, of a year later, when he finally had to tell me.
From personal experience: Pretty boys are fun to look at, but very soon you become That Couple in the restaurant: One is reading the paper, the other one is staring out the window attempting to form a single thought.

Thou Hast No Grasp of The King's English

Just watched Solomon Kane last night which was mostly very good... except WHY can't Hollywood hire people who can teach them the difference between thee, thou, and thy? Is that too much to ask for simple historical authenticity?
The Scent of a Woman
I was just dabbing on my perfume when I remembered that one of my exes texted me to ask me what the name of it was. That's when I realized his girlfriend in Jacksonville is probably doing the exact same thing.

Say it Loud and Proud

How many of you have heard a woman proudly proclaim that she's a bitch? We all know it's because she doesn't want to take the trouble to be anything else. It's amazing how some people can turn real flaws into supposed virtues.

 Dorothy Parker Rocks

...which reminds me of a famous Dorothy Parker tale. She was at a banquet when a wealthy man leaned across the table and said "So you're the famous Dorothy Parker! I hear you can turn a phrase over anything. I just don't believe it." So she challenged him to come up with a word and she would run with it. And so he thought for a minute and said smugly "horticulture." And Parker replied "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."
Spelling Abuse
I woke up to a photo of a motorcycle and the guy's caption was "On a steal horse I ride." It is too early in the morning to be subjected to such spelling abuses. I don't have enough self-control without coffee to be able to deal with it.
A Rose By Any Other Name
Do you ever rename evil people privately and then accidentally call them that name to their face? Yup.
Negative Reinforcement
I just chewed a good friend out in a text message and he called me back laughing: "Really?! You're going to chew me out in a TEXT message?" No one ever takes me seriously.

So... "Y" Are You Here?
T-shirt on guy entering child support office: " I'm only horny on days that end in "y"."
Yeah: We kinda guessed that.
Jackson: How old are you?
Me: Well, I'm a year younger than your mommy.
Jackson: Wait, you're 29?!
Me: Er... O.o

I am so totally uncool that I drink craft sodas. Everyone else is on the Totally With It Bandwagon and I am left having to look up to see what an IPA is. Even worse, it looks totally unappetizing. There. I said it.

Take Out or Delivery? 

I have a home phone that I never use. And by never, I mean never. And no one knows the number because...see first sentence. And yet, I still get calls from idiots. I ignored it for a while, but they keep calling. I finally solved it by always answering "Pizza Hut! Will that be take out or delivery?" I am still waiting for my first order.

I just ordered pizza online. Every time I do, I'm reminded of how Sandra Bullock ordered pizza online in The Net and how high tech we all thought it was.
The Sound of Music
TOM: What are you doing?
ME: Driving and listening to the CD from the Sound of Music and singing each song in a British accent.

WHAT? Doesn't everyone?
Eau de Febreze
So I'm spraying different Febreze scents down the aisle of the grocery store, wondering which scent to adorn my curtains with, when a guy walks by and then does a double take and looks at me weirdly...

Young Lady

There is NOTHING that makes you feel older than being called "Young Lady" by your waiter. Please pass the Geritol.

What's Black and White and Read All Over?

I just realized that an old joke doesn't work any more. "What's black and white and read all over?" "A newspaper!" (Being typical kids, we would alter the joke to be "A skunk! Lying in the road!") Today's kids have grown up with colored newspapers.
What Exactly Are You?
I'd like to think that somewhere there is a group of animals taking a "What Kind of Person Are You?" quiz.

Losing It weird is it that all my reading glasses disappear for a while, only to reappear simultaneously? The Borrowers must be busy.

...that awkward moment when you're looking for your phone, only to realize it's plastered to your ear...
Obama Says His Son Wouldn't Play Football
Time Magazine reports that 40% of all Americans would tell their kids to not play football, which is another way of saying that 60% think that Obama is an idiot for saying so.
Singing Acapulco

So during choir practice my mom (scary Choir Director) tells us that she wants to hear us sing acapella, which reminded me of the times my adorable "daughter of the heart" (Bugs) called it "Acapulco" as a child.

The Garg Medical Center

When passing the Garg Medical Center, does anyone else have the nagging impulse to say "GAAAARG" in their best Creature-From-the-Black-Lagoon imitation? Even if no one else is in the car? Even if someone IS in the car? Just wondering...

A Non-Cash Tip for Waiters

Here's a tip for waiters this season: If you have women at your table, showing them lewd photos of yourself in order to get a date with them only works if their standards are as low as yours are. O_o My friend and I never moved so fast to get our check and dash.

I Don't FEEL That Old!

I am still often shocked, as many of you will understand, to see a photo of me and think "I am THAT old now? I don't FEEL that old." Which reminds me of something my grandmother once said. We were in her bedroom, she was sitting at her dressing table looking in the mirror and she looked up at me and said "You know, Fre? I sometimes look in the mirror and I say 'Who is that old woman looking back at me? I'm only 17!'"

Another paranormal romance just hit the shelves. What IS this obsession with necrophilia and freaky sex with repulsive creatures? As if "Dreams of Bill" didn't creep us out enough in the early 90s...

Secret Ingredient

I have discovered the secret of good cooking. No matter what it is, you can make it much better if you add lots of your favorite ingredient to it. Thus, mole sauce was born which, coincidentally, can be eaten on almost everything - even moles.

Darn it All

Looking back on my youth, I often wonder at the middle school chorus teacher who taught us "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown." My parents had a fit when they heard that we were singing "...the baddest man in the whole damn town," so we had to sing "darn" instead. Like THAT helped.


Watching the news, I had this fleeting thought: Does everyone in Washington have bad toupees? Might as well go to the thrift store, buy an old fake fur coat, and cut it to size...

Stop Fighting It

A mutual friend said something that made me think of the awkward moment some time ago when a male friend said passionately to me: "Stop fighting it and let's give in to our mutual attraction." Except... there was no mutual attraction. I won major points that day for being both subtle and diplomatic.

National Institute of Head Slappers

There should be a National Institute of Head Slappers with volunteers all over the world, who can drop what they're doing at a moment's notice and slap someone upside the head when it's needed. If anyone decides to organize this, I'll sign up.

Taking Out the Garbage

So... I'm taking out the garbage at night, in the dark, wearing a pair of shorts and a sports bra: Somewhat acceptable attire, but I'm erring on the side of modesty and turn off the porch light so I can sneak to the garbage can with no one seeing me. I reach the edge of the driveway and... BAM! The one-million-gigawatt LED motion sensor light that we just installed goes ON and illuminates me, caught mid-sneak. Standing there, bathed in football stadium light, I simply give up, walk resignedly to the garbage can, make my deposit, and walk back inside.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

The constant rain is driving EVERYTHING inside because bugs don't like rain. I just went to take a shower... I looked in the tub and there was a roach the size of a small mouse. I grabbed a magazine and killed it. Then turned to kill the large spider spinning down...

They're Getting a Little Too Creative

Am I the only person that sees a car of a particular shade that is too dark to be cream and think 'mayonnaise'? I just saw a jar of sandwich spread on wheels go by.

Solving the In-law Problem

The best solution to in-law problems is to be rich, buy a large piece of property, dig out a huge moat with an island, build your in-laws' home on the island and control the ferry.

Designer Jeans

Why don't they make jeans with "KISS MY..." written on the backside? I would wear it to every political event.

Hair Disaster

[kindly neighbor trying to console me]
BILL: Well you look great, I like what you've done with your hair. What is that called? I know on men it's called a mullet.
ME: It's a flip shag...

Purse Strings

Has anyone else noticed that the USA is no longer sending money for the various worldwide disasters that continue? I guess someone finally figured out that we don't have it to spare.


It was first grade, Skycrest Christian School. Tim was quite self-righteous at the ripe old age of 7 and was more than happy to give a lecture to a 6 year old version of me about what could and couldn't be said.

Tim: You can't say bad stuff, like ...(whispering)... boobies.
Me: Hey Tim! What does the ladybug say to the bee?
Tim: I don't know?
Me: BOO, bee!
Tim: I'm telllllllllllling!!! Miss Shields!!!...

So your scripture lesson is Proverbs 20:11 "It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself; If his conduct is pure and right."

My parents are still recovering.


From my friend Pam Settle: There are some things that you never say until you're parent, like "STOP LICKING THE CAKE!!!"
I just taught a 6-year old boy the word "dork". I'm sure his mother will be eternally grateful.
A kid recently claimed he's 'emotionally damaged' by a time-out room. What options do we have left anymore?! Teachers can't send them to the Principal's office too many times or they look bad. They don't respond to yelling. No one can spank them or even lay a hand on them to hold them down when they're out of control. If the schools call the cops, the cops and the schools look bad. How about we start holding parents accountable for their kids' behavior by giving them tickets when their kids act up? If the tickets aren't paid in a timely manner, they lose their drivers' licenses.
ME: Hi honey! How was school?
LIVVIE (6 years old): Didn't you hate changing for PE when you were a kid?
ME: I sure did!
LIVVIE: From flats to sneakers, then back to flats. *sigh*
ME: What sport did you play today?
LIVVIE: I can't remember! It started with an "S" and ended with a "P" but it wasn't soup.


I was at a Walmart standing in line behind a young black guy buying booze. They wanted his ID and he told them he didn't have it. When they said they couldn't sell it without an ID, he said loudly and antagonistically "WHAT? You are RACIST! THAT'S RACIST!" The woman looked frightened and obviously couldn't respond because of her job. So I spoke up equally loudly and said "How DARE you! THAT is racist! You should be ashamed of yourself, pulling The Race Card when you want to get away with something."

The guy did a double take and then said "Lady, that is NONE of your business."

"Yes, it IS my business and it's the business of all of us in here to speak up when we're forced to put up with such racism," I said stoutly. Others in the line nodded. One girl in the back (who was also black) said "unbelievable, dude."

And if we want to talk minority status, I'm firmly in the middle of it. When I want to get away with something, I never say "WHAT? You are SEXIST. YOU'RE SEXIST!" even when someone IS. You never win respect by demanding it. To be respected, one must be...dare I say it...respectable!


Should I be alarmed that my kitten is increasingly pretending to gut my hand with her hind legs? I am sensing not-so-latent aggression. I am going to start sleeping with a knife under my pillow...
When the kitten was a 4 week old baby, I was always worried I might kill her accidentally. Now that she is 6 months old, I am always worried I might kill her on purpose.
I am absolutely amazed that most kittens survive into adulthood. She creates the mess and then attacks the broom that cleans it up! And... when she can't attack the broom, she launches from the bed and leaps on my head as I'm stooped over. I am a nervous wreck.
Am I the only one that double checks the dryer to make sure the kitten hasn't somehow snuck in?
So Evil Kitty comes up to me and affectionately rubs on me. I pick her up and she sweetly swipes at my jugular, claws extended. My mother's dire predictions may end up being right. Send help.
Evil Kitty has discovered that when I whistle, the dogs get a treat. Now she lines up with everyone else, just like a dog. Watching them all eat peanut butter is worth buying the occasional jar.
...aaaaand speaking of cats (we were, weren't we?) how many of you have cats that climb onto the toilet seat and carefully lower their front paws down to dabble in the water, then take a long cool sip, and come and jump up on you? I thought cats were supposed to be afraid of the water.
My dog left his stuffed rat toy on my bed. Imagine my initial surprise when I walked into my bedroom to see it...
Life is better when you have a clean little silky dog curled up next to you sleeping soundly.
Dog Water Dishes: I spent a long time at Petsmart one night looking over water dishes. Did you know how many varieties there are? You can spend over $100 on water fountains and filtration systems for animals that lick their butts and eat the most putrid things they can find.
I got up the other day and found my otherwise peaceful 2 little koi ate their fishy brethren. I thought koi were peaceful! Maybe they were "sleeper koi".
After discussing alligators with a friend, I am reminded of when I went to an informative lecture on myths about gators. One myth is that you should run in a zigzag while being chased by a gator. The reality is that it simply slows you down and makes it easier for the gator. I am reluctant to share this with most of you because if we're on a nature walk and a gator starts chasing us, I'm hoping he gets you first. I love you and all that, but every man for himself.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say "Help! They've turned me into a parrot!", you are wasting everyone's time.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The "Son of God" Movie: Give it a Pass and Rent "The Passion of the Christ" Again

I saw the Son of God  movie last night and was amazed to see how good the dentistry was back then: Everyone had shiny, perfect white teeth*. And Mary's plastic surgeon must have been renowned: I'll bet she had the same plastic surgeon as Cleopatra. Or Steven Tyler. (In fact, come to think of it, she looked exactly like Steven Tyler. I had to double check to make sure they weren't related). She got to play Mary because her husband was the producer.
This wasn't a well-constructed movie. Instead, it was a strung-together series of vignettes. I left with the feeling that everyone was rushing to film the scene and move on to the next as quickly as possible. I suspect they took their production notes from Angry Alien Productions, famous for their movie summaries in 30 seconds (check out Gone With the Wind or Jurassic Park).

Perhaps it's also easy to miss the agony and the ecstasy when you're busy listing all the mistakes that were made throughout the movie. For instance, Jesus didn't lovingly grasp a child's face and tell her that the entire temple was going to be torn down and not one stone would remain on another while she giggled insanely. That would be...weird. No, instead he had that chat with his disciples (see Mark 13).

And, sorry to break it to all you feminists (hey, I'm a conservative feminist so I'm in sympathy here) but Mary Magdalene wasn't just one of the guys. She couldn't have trekked around with Jesus and the apostles because she was female. Not only is she NOT mentioned in the Bible as having traveled with them, but we also know that Jewish women still valued their virtue back then and a woman wouldn't have spent night and day in a nomadic lifestyle with men she wasn't directly related to. Then there's the little problem of her monthly cycle: It kept women from being portable. You see, they didn't have tampons back then, and didn't have disposable pads. Instead, women had rags, and going through the nuisance of soiling multiple rags, washing them daily, etc., wasn't something a woman could do in public. Also, according to Judaic law, women had to go off on their own when they were going through that "time of the month." Mary could hardly have said "Hey guys, have fun. I'll be in that tent menstruating for a week or so. I'll catch up with you when I'm done."

I've heard the reviews: People have left the theatre crying. I can only say that if they did, it's simply because they stubbed their toe on the way out. When I saw Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, I cried. Oh, how I cried. But this one fails to capture both the glory and the pathos. But what I kept asking myself was: Why? Somehow they were caught up in the execution of the film and forgot to delve into the gut-wrenching reality, faith, and hope that it was based on.

P.S. I have had a recent rebuttle that I wish to share with you, since it needs to be said: 

Some of the observations in your posted review are good, but I think you are wrong in your statements about the women.  Women traveled quite freely (They were not Moslems, you know) and would not have been shut up in a room when they had their periods.

They also were present at such events as the feeding of the 4000. The Mary who anointed Jesus' feet and wiped His feet with her hair in John 12 was Mary (respectable, and the sister of Lazarus and Martha)--not to be confused with the woman who anointed Jesus in Luke chapter 7.
Notice from the verses below how the women traveled with Jesus from Galilee and ministered to Him--not spending the night in the same place, of course, but probably with Him daily:  Matthew 27:55; Mark 15:41; Luke 8:2; and Luke 23:55.

*Except for Matthew, bless his heart. I guess he didn't get the memo. I've seen mangy Pekingese dogs with better teeth).

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Always Collect the License Plate

If you accidentally let someone drive off with your license plate after you've let them have your car (as in, say, a divorce settlement for instance) and they don't register the car as theirs even though you've registered the sale with the Dept. of Motor Vehicles... and they keep driving around on the old plate even though the DMV has recalled the plate... you still keep getting their parking tickets and tolls.

That means you have endless fun making phone calls and sending letters to prove to everyone that it isn't your responsibility. The police will not take a report because the plate isn't lost (it's whereabouts are known) and it wasn't stolen (since the ex was driving the Jeep when he left). The ticket and toll people tell you that they can do nothing without a police report.

The resulting mayhem is as much fun as a 3 Stooges all-day movie extravaganza.

Monday, March 10, 2014


I recently saw a heavily tattooed shirtless guy strolling down the street, which made me reflect on how nature makes dangerous or unpleasant things very colorful as a way of saying "hands off, you don't want this."
CHRIS: Do you have a tattoo?
ME: NO I don't have a tattoo. What kind of weird question is that?
CHRIS: Well you SEEM like a girl that would have a tattoo.

Oddly I once thought of having a tat. I was 16 and my best friend's mom was willing to sign off on the consent form. I ALMOST did it. Almost. And yet if I had, to this day I would still have a unicorn on my shoulder. Thank goodness I chickened out.
A grimy girl covered in prison tats walks into an elegant business office with a strapless midriff tee that reads "Sex Education Instructor" and Daisy Duke shorts.

Ew. Just... ew.