Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Fathers Day

HAPPY FATHERS DAY to every man who was strong enough to refrain from killing his children when he heard "Are we there yet?" for the 273rd time.

We live because they restrained themselves.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Bad Fido

I'm in the process of civilizing my parents' new puppy. The problem is that he lusts after my shoes. Austin finds it hysterical to watch me chasing Fido holding a (recently chewed) shoe in one hand, with Fido skidding all over my wood floors, until I finally corral him and bop him with it while shouting "Bad Fido! No shoes!"

My household has quickly degenerated into a Monty Python skit.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Avoid the Belcher Animal Clinic

I call Largo Feed (they have a vet that comes once a month) and it's $120 to vaccinate all three dogs.
So I call my regular vet's (the Belcher Animal Clinic in Clearwater, FL) and ask them how much they'd charge for the three dogs to get their yearly exam and shots. I very specifically mention that the Largo Feed vet is charging only $120. The receptionist leaves to consult someone, then comes back on the phone and tells me they'll do it for $140.  So, I figure what the heck? I'll go to the Belcher Animal Clinic for the convenience of it: What's $20 more?
They charged me $140 each.
When I tried arguing with the office manager, she very coolly told me that I must have misunderstood what had been said to me. I didn't misunderstand, and I was fool enough to pay for their mistake. I should have refused to pay.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

An Unconventional "Raise"

My friend calls to tell me about the company restaurant which was just renovated. In addition to pouring money into a losing enterprise, "They've hired two chefs from The Hardrock Cafe," she tells me cheerily. The potato salad's great! Which is a good thing, cuz that's my raise, baby!"

Monday, January 24, 2011

Be Careful on the Water in This Weather

For my fellow Floridians: Be careful being on the water in this weather. We were at EG Simmons park yesterday evening when the coroner's unit arrived to inspect the body that washed ashore, and they said it was someone out kayaking the afternoon before. The water was choppy, the kayak was capsized, and hypothermia sets in quickly... They hadn't made a decisive identification, so the news hasn't hit the papers yet.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


HE: [romantically] What are you thinking?
ME: Oh... Did I clip my toenails too short? What's that in the garbage? And why does my finger smell funny?

 This is the reason I was never made to be a romance novelist.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Suggestive Facebook Profile Photos

Here's what I want to say so badly to the women who post suggestive pictures of themselves on Facebook:  "Yes. We know you're proud of your body. Women who are strippers are remarkably athletic - most of us could never hope to imitate a pretzel. You're so thin, a sandwich is all that stands between you and death's door. Are those lace panties in your picture part of your work uniform?"
I am repeatedly surprised by women who value themselves by their looks only. Then again, perhaps that's all they have to offer.