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Thursday, April 14, 2016

Prom

I'm a little confused as to why it takes the average teenage girl an entire day to prepare for Prom. You'd think it was her wedding! But I hear many horror stories about it: A trip to get her updo, mani and pedi, makeup, yada yada yada. Prom has become a living nightmare. I'm glad I was able to go to Prom back when it was an enjoyable event instead of a nerve wracking obligation.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Planned Obsolescence of Printers

The printer industry has a vested interest in your purchase of a new printer every couple of years. A high level employee once told me that the only way to force this purchase is to up the cost of the ink on the older units to a point that it is cheaper to buy a new printer than to continue to invest in ink.
Most people know this now, and there is a booming market for alternatives (Amazon has a lot of generic alternative inks). I recently went to purchase ink for my 2 year old printer only to see the bill was going to be $100 for 4 cartridges. I went on Amazon and got 10 cartridges for $25.
Today I put them into my Epson printer and I swear the thing took it personally.
I immediately got "We see this isn't genuine Epson ink. Are you SURE you want to use this ink? It could cause [death / disaster / world catastrophes]." I clicked yes, and the printer still wouldn't budge until I pressed another YES button on the printer itself. Finally out of protestations, it reluctantly printed out what I'd asked for.
In perfect color.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Oops

I take the gallon of "oops" paint up to the old man at the counter. "Do you..." I begin. "Nope," he snaps.
Patiently, I start again. "Do you know what color this is?" I ask. "Oh," he says. He looks at the can. He opens the the can for me, methodically, and shows me what's inside.
"Do you mind..." I start to say. "Nope!" he snaps, assuming I'm going to ask him something that will force him to do more than what he wants to do. "...putting a little bit more on the paint lid so I can get a good idea of what the color is?" I finish.
He glowers at me, but does so, finishing it with the blow dryer so that I can see what color it dries to.
And they say customer service is dead.

The Pressure...to NOT Marry

I just heard on the radio that women still feel very pressured to be married by the time they're in their mid thirties at the latest. I find that quite odd, I don't see that among my female friends. Instead, if anything, I believe that most of us feel the pressure to NOT get married, as if marriage Is for fools and the weak.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

So me, driving along, suddenly attacked by a spider the size of a quarter. I ended up on the median, but luckily survived the attack and killed the sucker during the struggle. 

I am NOT kidding, either. It actually came scuttling across the windshield at me and went diving for my face...you should've seen me. I grabbed what first came to hand...an umbrella that Mary Poppins would be proud of. 

The spider thought nothing of it, but retreated and waited on the ceiling for its next attack. I found something to squash it with and it was finally game over. That is...after I ended up going across two lanes and finding myself on the median, driving/skidding merrily along to a stop.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rowhze?

Everyone would do the world a great favour by banning certain girls' names because they are so overused. I swear there are millions of Ashleys, Kaitlynns, Jasmines and more.
I know name fads come and go, but a child that shares a name in common with so many others will never be easily distinguished from the herd. On the opposite extreme are parents that are too creative and curse their children with names no one can pronounce.
If I could make a suggestion, and I'm one small voice, I would ask for people to reach back in time to try alternatives that are both unique and recognizable. Perhaps this name preference is due to my own name, but it has served me well all these years.
Some names I'd love to see resurrected: Althea, Amy, Beth, Bess (I realize they're derivatives of Elizabeth), Cecilia, Cassandra, Deborah, Dahlia, Elspeth, Esme, Freda, Felicity, Fern, Grace, Gianna, Heloise, Leah, Peg or Meg (derivatives of Margaret), Rene or Renee, Rose, Tabitha, Uvula (just kidding), Valerie, Veronica, Zinnia.
I suspect the reason that we don't give our children these names is that we have somebody unpleasant we associate with them, in which case perhaps we should go even further back into Medieval times. But surely we can do better than a girl I recently met who was named Mayonnaise (although it was spelled differently).

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

Ponytail

"How do you like my hair in a ponytail?" I ask my dad offhandedly. Dad studies me for a moment. "You know what's under a pony's tail, don't you?" he asks. My dad: Keeping it real.

Monday, April 04, 2016

Mask

I'd forgotten my lawn guy was coming today and had slathered on a clay mask, which was half dry, when I heard him outside. Remembering he needed a key to my gate, I resignedly got up, grabbed the key, and walked outside.
"Your face is green," he said as a statement, not a question, just as if he'd said "You're wearing jeans today." I nodded.
"Want me to leave the key at the front door when I'm done?" he asked.
"That would be great," I said.
He nodded. "OK, see you next week," he said.
I guess by now he's rather used to my eccentricities.

Sunday, April 03, 2016

Girl vs. Boy

A mother just shared this with me: One of my 12 year old models just chopped all her hair off recently and is sporting a man's cut. She was dressed in pink, standing in line in a department store when she heard two men whispering.
"What do you think?" asked the first guy. "Is it a girl or a boy???"
The girl whirled around and said "What does it matter to YOU? I'm a PERSON."

Friday, April 01, 2016

April Fools

The phone rings and I see it's Mom and Dad's number. "HONEY!" my mom cries out tearfully, "Dad's been arrested!!!" My heart leaps into my throat, I jump up getting ready to throw on some clothes and hit the road to find them wherever they are. It's all so improbable: Dad looks and acts like a peaceful Amish farmer. "What HAPPENED??" I ask urgently as I'm racing down the hallway when it suddenly hits me...it's April Fool's Day. I stop and groan. "It's April Fool's Day, isn't it," I say resignedly as Mom howls in the background. And some people wonder why anyone would commit matricide.