Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Job Lingo

In the spirit of my ongoing job search, I have discovered some terms over the last couple of months that I would like to explain to others who may also be searching for that perfect job. (I am looking for a variety of jobs right now, but the sales jobs' patter really stands out).

1. " must have a desire and truly believe in yourself."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "...because we don't know or believe in you. This is straight commission, and frankly we don't even believe in our own product, or we'd pay you a base salary."

2. "Must be an energetic self-starter."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "...because we aren't here to motivate you. Heck, none of us here are motivated. What? You think you're special?!"
3. "Average Rep makes $150,000 Top Rep makes $300,000."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: " our dreams. Boy, you'd better hope that no one else is selling electric juicers from door to door, and with any luck there'll be an electric juicer shortage like no one's ever seen before."
4. "No previous experience needed! Will train!"

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "...because even a trained monkey can do a good enough half-assed job of selling this product, and we don't expect to pay you in anything more than bananas."

5. "Must be able to lift at least 50 lbs."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "...because the last guy is out on workers comp due to a newly developed hernia."
6. "You CAN work this job from your home. I do. You will need a computer and phone to be effective. And you will need to be self motivated."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "In fact, you need to be very self motivated and pretty self deceiving as well. We're hoping you'll work for us for very little money until you get burned out and go back to selling Avon again."
7. "We are looking for a hunter..."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "...because we can't be bothered to pay for any real job leads or lists for you. Good luck out there! Hit the pavement, and start banging on doors."
8. "Professional salespeople wanted to sell a product that everybody wants and needs."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "Who wouldn't want to keep their bowels cleansed? This fiber additive is a sure-fire seller!"
9. "Find new opportunities through proactive cold-calling of a target list (50-100 calls per day)"

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "We're too cheap to hire any telemarketers, so get used to being chained to your desk."

10. "Smoke & drug FREE work place."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "Of course we have to say that to keep our worker's comp. After your initial drug test, feel free to party 'till you drop. If you come to work smelling like pot or if we find you sleeping in the broom closet, we might be forced to drug test you. So make sure you shower every morning and drink a pot of coffee on your way to work."

11. "Background check."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "We will look into your credit report, too. We know your credit history really tells us very little about your job performance, but we want to have something to laugh about in the break room after the interview."

12. "If you have a rockin' attitude we want to talk to you. Have fun, make money..."

HIDDEN ADDENDUM: "We're really hoping that if we seem cool enough, and you get to wear jeans, you'll be willing to settle for less than minum wage as you walk door-to-door selling travel packages to old ladies in mobile home parks."


The Lazy Iguana said...

You can always teach English in Korea.

In fact, that option is sounding pretty good.

LESSON 1 - THE LETTER "L". Notice how I said LETTER - not "Retter". OK class, now say "letter". (class says "retter").

ALL RIGHT! Pretty good! I can see my work is almost done, but lets try this one.

Little lazy lizards looking for light. Oh yea, class - this is a tazer! Anyone who says "right" gets it!

My crass wourd rearn fast.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Lazy, Brirriant! Jus' brirriant!