Well Dressed

You know you are well dressed when men scramble to open the doors for you, and sales women come up to you to ask if you need anything. When I have no makeup and I'm in shorts and a t-shirt, the only human contact I usually have would be when a small child accidentally sneezes on me.

This reminds me of the time I was the manager in a major department store. One of my top clients was a local anchorwoman. When she wasn't on the news, you'd never recognize her. She had bags under her eyes and children in the stroller. She would limp along, looking harried and tired: A typical homemaker who didn't have time to brush her hair. She was a faithful client, because I knew her size and would always hold things for her to try on in her limited amount of time.

The biggest crooks I've met were usually the ones that would wear designer clothing to a mud wrestling contest. They are too obsessed with form and there's very little substance. In fact, there may be a correlation: After all, look what Lil' Kim wears.

Perhaps I have a solution, however. Have you seen those oversized t-shirts that obese women wear to the beach which have a skinny bikini-clad body printed on the front? Perhaps I need a tee with a large photo of me looking respectable, in a freshly pressed business suit. Under it, in large print, it will say "THIS IS NORMALLY WHAT I LOOK LIKE."

Oh who's kidding who. Most people can't read. I just need to put a model from Sports Illustrated on the front of it.