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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Divorce (AND My Honorary Daughter's P.S.)

It saddens me that an honorary daughter of mine appears to be heading for divorce.

If we had only been in the loop, we would have told him "Don't come home after being gone for days, and plop down to play World of Warcraft for hours, virtually ignoring her."

We would have kept telling her "Communicate more with him. Tell him why you're unhappy and what you need to make this marriage work."

We would have told him "Stop trying to smother her and keep her locked up in the house. She's only 21! Encourage her to go to college or at least get a job. Stop making her feel like you disapprove of such things. You must allow her some freedom."

We would have kept telling her "Stop trying so hard to compromise your life doing only what HE wants to do. Start doing some things for yourself. With any luck, he'll join in."

We would have told him "Take her out on a date at least once a week. And stop drinking so much when you go out. Give up the gambling and save some money for the future."

We would have told her "Stop hanging out so much with his roommates. Don't spill your guts to them, or tell them the troubles in the marriage. Young men are predators, and they will happily take down a wounded deer."

We would have told them all this, but now it looks as if it's too late.

My Wonderful Honorary Daughter's Additional Notes:
(I know for a fact that everything she says here is true from all the things she's told me over the last year)

I am definitely on my way to a divorce. No question there. I haven't called I've been a lil stressed from being kicked out of my own home.

I have tried numerous times to talk to him...he will even admit it. The one thing he always says to me is "why are you getting angry?" I'm not! I'm trying to talk! Then he walks away and crawls into bed. So I go and pull down the covers and say "I was talking to you why do you always walk away?" He says "ok lets talk now then."

Well you know what - if he is not willing to take the time to talk to me...why should I make the time when ever he feels fit? Disrespecting me in public and in front of family...I will not stand for it...because I do NOT do it to him.

As for the roommate, he and I did not talk about my life with my husband. We talked about everything but. First it started with his girlfriend then he and I started to cook dinners together by using his cook book. The other roommate I hardly talk to.

My husband would encourage me to go to school and get a job but at the same time he put me down. Example: he suggested I go to school for nursing. I thought about it and it was a great suggestion so the next day I turn to him and say "I will go for nursing." He replies "Are you kidding? Do you realize how much you have to remember?" So what is that - all of a sudden I'm not good enough! WOW - it just doesn't end with him!

I have some graphic text on my phone to this roommate (friend) of mine about a kiss! A picture of a kiss and I told my husband yes there was a picture of a kiss and in it I kissed my roommates (friends) cheek. I admit there is a lot more to everything but at the same time for 1) I would NOT and will NOT ever cheat on my husband 2) I told him a few weeks ago I was leaving him because I can't make people change they have to be willing. and 3) I would never leave my marriage for another man. I am doing this for me and me only!

16 comments:

The Lazy Iguana said...

I would have told her to face the fact that is over after the first thing you listed. The dude would vanish for days and then come home and play WoW?

This chick was only 21 - it is not too late for her do get rid of this guy and then try again later. I hope she did not produce any kids. But if the guy was gone for days and then was more interested in a video game.....

I do not think anything you said would have really helped much.

Herr Krokodil said...

Saur,

That didn't last long. Once you get married, you can't put your husband in a situation where he could get sex from another woman. This is just common sense.

I hope she is hot so she can start shacking up with someone else..

matthew said...

Ok, so what happened with the roommates?????

The Lazy Iguana said...

If she is hot and wants to live in Miami and has no kids and likes boats and can kick in a few bucks for rent I may know a place.

Anonymous said...

I am definitely on my way to a divorce. No question there. I haven't called I've been a lil stressed from being kicked out of my own home. I have tried numerous times to talk to him...he will even admit it. The one thing he always says to me is "why are you getting angry." I'm not I'm trying to talk. Then he walks away and crawls into bed. So I go and pull down the covers and say I was talking to you why do you always walk away. He says ok lets talk now then. Well you know what if he is not willing to take the time to talk to me...why should I make the time when ever he feels fit. Disrespecting me in public and in front of family...I will not stand for it...because I do NOT do it to him. As for the roommate, he and I did not talk about my life with my husband. We talked about everything but. First it started with his girlfriend then he and I started to cook dinners together by using his cook book. The other roommate I hardly talk to. My husband would encourage me to go to school and get a job but at the same time he put me down. Example: he suggested I go to school for nursing. I thought about it and it was a great suggestion so the next day I turn to him and say I will go for nursing. He replies are you kidding do you realize how much you have to remember. So what is that all of a sudden I'm not good enough! WOW it just doesn't end with him. I have some graphic text on my phone to this roommate (friend) of mine about a kiss! A picture of a kiss and I told my husband yes there was a picture of a kiss and in it I kissed my roommates (friends) cheek. I admit there is a lot more to everything but at the same time for 1) I would NOT and will NOT ever cheat on my husband 2) I told him a few weeks ago I was leaving him because I can't make people change they have to be willing. and 3) I would never leave my marriage for another man. I am doing this for me and me only!

Saur♥Kraut said...

My Darling Anon Daughter, I know honey. I believe everything you say here - not because I am prejudiced but because I know YOU.

Perhaps this post seemed to indicate otherwise: If so, I am sorry and will correct it.

I know you didn't cheat on him because I know how hard you've been trying. When I looked back on my post, I felt that it sounded as if we knew NOTHING about the failings in the marriage and so I revised it. I know you wanted to make it work and you tried to be honorable, because you wanted so much to be different than your mom (among other reasons).

I think there was wrong on both sides (there always is in a divorce - ask me how I know) but I truly believe that your share of it is not as large as his portion. I have been greatly disappointed in him and the way he has treated this entire thing. I had expected more from him, and had hoped that he would be the man he should have been for you. I was hoping he would be able to rise to the responsibilities of marriage, but he does not seem to want to do so. You deserve more.

Stand strong, and be prepared to fight. Your dad and I are there for you.

Your mother has other motives, which is why she's siding with your husband. Remember who she is and what she is and take it with a grain of salt. Perhaps some day, many years later, things will be different between you. But you are making progress and she isn't... and you will have to let that go for now. I would recommend you stop talking to her about this. It feeds her desire for drama, and gives her fuel to take back to your husband. You don't need the additional stress right now.

I love you. Call when you can, and if you need anything, you know I'll do my best to help in any way. Hang in there, hon.

Lazy, She IS hot (guys love her), and very smart, engaging, funny, and affectionate. She's a great communicator, BUT she has a tendency toward being shy at times. Like me, it's not often. :D

Matthew, if she wants to tell her side of the story here, I'll let her tackle the roommate question. They did NOT have an affair, but her husband (who put her in that position in the first place) is now using her friendship with an unwise young man as a reason for the divorce.

Herr Krok, I don't think he was having an affair. I just think he is dreadfully immature and didn't know how to be a husband - only a friend.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Well then in that case after all this mess is over she will be fine. Better to ditch the creep now than get more tangled up in the mess.

If she wants to live in Miami, likes boats, can deal with a gray cat who likes to get in your face, and can kick in a few bucks for rent and high speed internet access and stuff I might know some places that are available.

Oh yea and large mice eating lizards. Cant forget about Max the monitor lizard.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Did I ever mention I upgraded the boat from the 18 foot old monohull to a 19 foot power catamaran? Sweet.

krok9 said...

Saur,

Sounds that way. Women seem to be attracted to the bad guys. I do recall someone else who was attracted to immature men.

I'm very immature myself but pride myself in only using it near hot babes.

Go Gators.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Lazy, I think she's fast-tracking the divorce. So, it won't be soon. Maybe I can persuade her to go on vacation w/ me to Miami again... but she will probably live up this way w/ her dad so she's close to her support group, friends/family.

Gator, Gooooooo Tazers!

Bryan said...

I feel for them. Divorce sucks! My parents divorced when I was only 10.

daveawayfromhome said...

I realize that I'm getting only a partial picture from one side of the arguement, but he sounds like a practitioner of emotional abuse, and someone who has at least a partial view of his role in a marriage as The Lord of The Manner (however badly he may realize that role - marriage is about partnership, not ownership; she shouldnt need permission or suggestion to go to school or get a job, especially if there are no kids involved).
And would I be wrong if I guessed that WHD was raised in a fairly "traditional" household?

The Lazy Iguana said...

Vacations are good. You can take a day trip fast cat from Miami to Key West, or a much slower power cat that leaves from Miami and goes to.....uhhhh.....Coconut Grove? Maybe North Bay Village and the Shuckers on the bay? Possibly even Key Largo? Or somewhere. But it returns to the same marina it left from.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Lazy Iguana, Most definately! :D I think it's time to teach her how to sail. She's never learned.

Daveawayfromhome, ACTUALLY... she comes from a very NON-traditional home. Her DAD is a traditionalist to a certain extent (be good to the woman, think of her needs first, open doors, etc.). In other words, he's a gentleman.

HOWEVER... her mom (who she lived with) was just the opposite. Her mom believed in sleeping with men for things such as cars, free boob jobs, etc. Her mom brought so many men in and out of her house and bedroom that both should've had a revolving door. We had been friends until I found out how bad it was, and that she had been having unprotected sex with a bisexual guy AND sleeping with a married man at the same time.

My Honorary Daughter (MHD) wanted desperately to NOT be like that and so she over-compensated by going in the opposite direction, getting married early, and putting up with more than perhaps she should have.

I really like(d) her husband, as did everyone else. BUT, she talked to her dad and I over the last couple years about some of these problems (we didn't know the extent of them, though) so I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. We gave her good advice, which she DID follow (it turns out sometimes they listen!) but nothing worked. Her husband also comes from a somewhat dysfunctional family so he has his own issues to deal with. I suspect that's where he gets his lack of respect for his wife. And, of course, he's simply self-indulgent.

To add to the chaos, MHD's biological mom (the ho-bag) has a crush on MHD's hubby, so bio-mom is encouraging him to destroy MHD in the whole process if possible. And it's no surprise to anyone who knows the profile of such a woman, but... she is highly competitive with her own daughter and is secretly deriving a great deal of satisfaction from this.

The Lazy Iguana said...

I am going to sailing school. I will learn to master a 20 footer with no auxiliary power. In other words, to pass the class I need to be able to dock under sail power, leave the dock under sail power, and get out of the marina under sail power.

Once I can do anything I want in the 20 footer, I can move up to a larger boat. The sailing club has a 40 footer that will be step 2. The 40 footer has an engine.

Saur♥Kraut said...

You're right - start w/ the 20 footer. What type of boat are they using?