Monday, March 31, 2008

To the Burglar on the Lawn

The only reason we met is because I had forgotten my cell phone. Again.

Since I was only 5 minutes away from home, I turned around and went back to get it. That's when I noticed you sitting on my neighbor's lawn, scoping out the neighborhood.

At first, I thought you were just a neighborhood kid, and you were simply hanging out. But my neighbor is a neat freak! This guy is so anal retentive that the neighbors have nicknamed him Mr. Clean. If even a leaf blows onto his lawn, he is racing out in a panic to dispose of the unsightly monstrosity before it gets too comfortable. And that's why you stood out like a sore thumb.

All I could think was "Uh oh. If Mr. Clean saw this guy, he'd fall down in an apoplectic fit and I think it'd be the end of him."

So, as I was leaving my house, I slowed down to tell you to move along. When you looked up and I saw that I was looking at a fully mature 40-something black man, I rethought it.

Now, we do have a black family that lives in the neighborhood: We're not some kind of KKK enclave. But I know all my neighbors, and I don't have any that look like you. Your taste in clothes makes you stick out a little more than you should.

Far be it from me to suggest anything that would make your job easier, but from what I see in the movies, the average house burglar wears pretty nondescript clothes. You, however, apparently want to be the trend-setter.

You were sporting baggy knee-length white shorts with cool sayings scrawled all over them. You had a dark t-shirt and baseball cap, but most tellingly of all, you were carrying a faded black knapsack with you. So at this point, I knew you were either homeless, or those were your burglary tools.

You saw me grab my cell phone, turn around, and come back. Yeah, yeah, I shouldn't have been so obvious, huh? But by then, I didn't care too much. Even though I have an alarm system, a sufficiently motivated crackhead might try to get in, and I have no desire to fill out reams of police reports after I shoot you.

Sure, you were probably just waiting to check everything out before you broke into my neighbor's house. But I really would prefer it if you would just take your trade to another neighborhood altogether.

I liked how you got up and casually sauntered down the street. And when you stopped at the end of the street to just look around, you were as believable as a graduate from the William Shatner School of Acting.

That was the last I saw of you. The police who came out agreed that you were getting ready to break into Mr. Clean's home, so they've stepped up the patrols here.

My neighbor was quite surprised to find out that you were at all interested in his home. I was too. You see, I know something that you don't know: Mr. Clean is a very stingy man, and I am sure that there would have been nothing in there to steal. I'll bet the most expensive piece of jewelry that his wife owns was bought at WalMart.

But after everything happened, I've had a change of heart.

The Cleans have this really loud, obnoxious parrot. Every morning, he screams as if he's a girl being mortally wounded. He drives my dogs crazy, and he prevents any of us from sleeping in in the mornings. That damned parrot is the biggest source of noise pollution in the neighborhood.

So if you come back, I'll look the other way, as long as you take the parrot. Heck, bring a U-Haul and if I have time, I'll help you load it up. But if I don't see the parrot go too, the deal's off and I'm calling the cops.


The Lazy Iguana said...

If the parrot lives in the back yard, just let it loose. Wear gloves so you do not leave finger prints. Jump the fence, open the cage, and leave.


I would have just driven by, not really paying attention to the guy on the lawn. Then spied on him from inside my house. Then called the po po.

If I were going to jack a house I would wear an orange shirt with the words "NEIGHBORHOOD CRIME WATCH" written on it. I would inform people who stopped to notice me that they should ALWAYS be looking for suspicious behavior and hand them a "crime watch" flier from my backpack.

That would be my cover.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Lazy, As for the burglar tips: Great idea! I've also heard other good suggestions, which I won't pass on for society's sake. :D

The parrot: We have bantied about the idea. But I worry about the poor bird - what if it can't make it on its own? What if a cat gets it? What if it can't fly, then what do I do with it? etc...

Yeah, looking back on it, I shoulda been a tad more subtle.

krok12 said...


I've never been able to quite figure you out. You are funny though.

Dat Homie wuz goin to shank yo fine booty, sho-nuf, just like Orenthawl James.

Remember when The Lazy thought that my posts that showed blacks the way they really are would get me in trouble? Well Google gave me up to a rather large law firm. I suggest you never write anything disrespectful about blacks ever again.

Excellent post.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Krok, you must write me at saurblog at hotmail dot com and fill me in on the flak with Google!

The Lazy Iguana said...

Krok - my email address is on my blog. It is posted as a JPG file so that spam bots can not get it.

Saur - if you like I can create a nice JPG of your email address too. Then you can post it and no spam bots can get it because they will just see the file name. Only humans can see pictures. For now.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Lazy, awesome! Please do it! Thanks!

Debbie said...

Saur this just cracked me up! We never have such fun in our neighborhood. What with the huge dog and tiny yapper next door I hardly ever venture out into my own yard. Not worth the noise of them barking none stop at me as if I have never been there before!

It is worse when the owner comes out and screams at them to shut up. That just makes it worse.

But as for the bad guy you are much braver than I am and also much more observant. I probably would have never noticed him!

Uncle Joe said...

The parrot may be the only one who can ID the burglar. Better keep it around.

Jamie Dawn said...

Can you imagine what Mr. Clean would have done if that guy had broken a window and gotten in and messed up his stuff? Poor Mr. Clean might have dropped dead.
I'm glad you forgot your cell phone!!

krok21 said...

Lazy and Saur,

I'm still doing damage control so now is not the time to spread my story. I'll be the first to admit the content of the blog was disrespectful, the terms of service allowed them to give up the information and a rather large law firm was asking for it. So far they just made me stop. It's ashame because I had a real peppy blog.

Three Score and Ten or more said...

Tut, tut, tut, and double tut. Ida never thunk you wouls say such a thing.

Saur♥Kraut said...

3Score&10, just bein' real and tellin' it like it is. ;o)

Krok, well, my dear, you can always start another one and keep it more politically correct. Or... start your own on your own domain so that you have exclusive content control.

I should add that I didn't like some of the stuff you posted, but in a land where free speech is constitutionally guaranteed, I believe you should have the right to write about whatever you want to write about.

Because you were subject to google's rules, you had to stop. But that doesn't mean that you can't start writing elsewhere or... start another blog w/ Google but be more circumspect.

Still, you seem to be having fun just surfing everyone else's blogs, so perhaps that's easiest! :D

Jamie Dawn, Mr. Clean would've had a heart attack and that's the last we ever would've seen of the poor man (outside of the funeral).

Uncle Joe, that parrot is good for nothing except screaming like a woman being disembowled. I doubt it has any vocabulary whatsoever. It would've served the crook right if he'd tried to break in. Mr. Clean would've found him, dead of a heart attack, in the middle of the living room.

Debbie, I cringe to tell you that I am the owner that yells at her dumb dogs to shut up. I try not to sound like a mad woman, but it's either that or listen to endless hysterical barking at a lizard.

The Lazy Iguana said...

I think Krok should get a domain.

YO KROK! Use Bluehost. They will hide your whois info if you like. There is some way to still use blogger but have everything on your own server and stuff. So you can post the same as usual.