Punk'd

My daughter "Bugs" and I were shopping at our local drugstore last night. We were standing toward the back of the store when two teenage kids walked up to us.

"Excuse me, ma'am?" the first kid began. He was a puny white kid, greasy hair artfully combed into what he thought was a "statement". I estimated he was about 14 years old, but he could have been older. He was holding a small pack of adult diapers.

"Yes?" I said.

"Can you tell me where the cash registers are?" he asked. OK, this was obviously starting to be a set up.

"Sure," I said. "They're up front."

Emboldened, the punk shot his friend a glance and continued. "I was wondering if you could help me. You see, I need to buy diapers for my son here." The older boy, a taller black kid, looked a tiny bit nervous but was obviously willing to play along. As I was.

"REALLY?" I said loudly to the black kid. "I am SO SORRY to hear about your bladder control problems! Is there diarrhea too? That makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE in what DIAPERS you select!"

Both of the boys looked a little startled by my enthusiasm.

"Come here," I said in a chirpy saleswoman tone. "Let me help you." I grabbed the black kid by one arm and whirled the little white kid around, pushing him to the diaper aisle.

"Now let's see here," I said when we got there. "Here's a wide selection. Don't forget to take his height and weight into your calculations. OH, and don't forget baby wipes! It's very important to clean your butt crack THOROUGHLY!"

I then turned around and left them standing there.

I was at the register as they slunk out of the store. They had almost made it to the automatic sliding doors when I called out loudly in front of all the people at the register "Bye bye, boys! Don't forget the diaper creme for diaper rash! You don't want to suffer from THAT!"

They were out the door in record time.

Back To Work After Christmas

Sherlock Holmes

I'm a huge Sherlock Holmes fan, and own volumes of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's works. I have never been able to stomach the former television and movie versions of Holmes, because they fell so far from the original character.

However, the latest movie at last captures the real Sherlock Holmes. He is no longer the emaciated, supercilious creature portrayed by Jeremy Brett, Peter Cushing, or Basil Rathbone.

Although Robert Downy Jr. looks like none of the former actors who attempted this role, he captures the essence of who and what Sherlock Holmes truly was supposed to be.

Kudos to everyone involved in the making of this terrific movie.

Protestant Buildings

On Christmas Day during a religious discussion, my Catholic friends said they do not understand why there are so many Protestant divisions. They see it as a needless waste of resources and an indication that Protestants can't get along.

They have a point: I have been through the downtowns in The Bible Belt and there are often churches on almost every street corner, with small congregations due to schisms. (You have a problem with your church? Leave and build another one!)

And yet these divisions are a sign of our wonderful freedoms and ability to interpret the Bible and our faith as we see fit, instead of relying on others to tell us how to believe.

But what everyone forgets is that the "churches" we see are only buildings. The true church is what is inside. How I would love to see a stop to all the fancy buildings, many of which eventually fall into disuse or decay. Let's spend our money on the needy, and stop spending it on the latest, fanciest architectural designs.

Modern Christmas Carol

(to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

Please don't rest all ye Congressmen
Just wade into the fray!
Remember most of us don't want
Your plans for the USA.
We shudder to think that healthcare
Will be mandator-ay.
Oh more taxes for us on the way,
On the way,
Oh more taxes for us on the way.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Rock The Vote Encourages Youth to Use Sex to Pass Obamacare

I just stole the title of the article I am referring to: It says it all. Go here to see the video that tells young people to use sex (or the lack of it) to get what they want: Obamacare!

Ironically, youth are the least likely to want and need health insurance, which is why their insurance rates are so low when insurance is age banded.

What is age banding?

Many insurance companies charge rates according to your age and sex: And the cheapest rates are for the youth, because they have the least health problems and therefore the least need for any insurance.

What's really creepy is this push to use sex to get what you want. We are obviously de-evolving.

The Santa Lie

OK. I am really fed up with The Santa Lie.

In a New York Times article, the author writes of her pitiful Christmases which were the only evidence of her mother's love. Because of this, she fixated on Christmas with her own children and took it to such an obsessive degree that one of her children was humiliated on the playground due to his belief in Santa when he was in third grade (which she had encouraged).

Most alarming is her dialogue with her 9 year old daughter:

“Is Santa real?” she asks after overhearing an older girl reminisce about Christmases back when she believed.

“I guess some people don’t think so,” I answer, carefully, still chastened by the misery I caused her brother. “But I do.”

She says nothing, and her silence communicates my failure to answer the question.

“I mean,” I try again, “it’s a little like it is with God. Some people do, some don’t.”

“I don’t,” she says.

“Are you sure?” I say. “I do. Or at least I do some of the time.”

“What’s that called again?”

“Agnostic?” I say. “It means you don’t know.”

“Can you be that about Santa?”

“Of course,” I say...

Good job, mom. Now her daughter equates God with an imaginary being named Santa Claus.

What's pitiful is that this is not an uncommon problem. But Santa Claus can easily be disproved: Try being alone on Christmas Eve, bolt your doors, turn on the alarm system, and go to bed. You will definitely not wake up to presents the next morning. The only thing you'll wake up to is the cold hard certainty that you are alone for Christmas.

God is not so easily disproved. Please note that I am not speaking only of the particular God that I believe in. I am speaking of the concept of God.

Yes, there are many ridiculous myths about the various gods that are obvious fairy tales. One of my favorites is the one in which the stars were made by a goddess who flung her breast milk into the sky. And, of course, who can forget the Greek and Roman pantheons? Almost no one believes in them anymore because it is such obvious fantasy.

But the concept of a god (or gods) of some sort lives on because it cannot be as easily disproved as Santa Claus. And a god potentially has more power than Santa and can affect your life not merely on Christmas, but all year 'round.

If, as many religions teach, their god is the only way to a better afterlife, then it is highly important that we seek God. It could be our one shot! Why would we not want to allow our children this same opportunity? Why would we want to burden their little psyches with the close-minded belief that God is as mythical as Santa Claus?

This n' That

Naivete

I have once more come to the conclusion that although MY life is an open book, most people are shady at best.

How many times have I come to someone and told them the truth only to get a partial truth or no truth in return?

I find it easier to be honest: If you don't like me, someone else will. If you have a problem with something I do, best to know up front! And I'd like the same courtesy, please.

I know that my wise old grandmother is somewhere in the ether, looking down on me and saying with great pity "Ah, such naivete."

Christmas Drawing Nets Kid a Ticket to the Funny Farm

The P.C. crowd is especially busy this year.

"The 8-year-old boy was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after he was asked to make a Christmas drawing and came up with what appeared to be a stick figure of Jesus on a cross."

To see the entire article, go here.

What Are Big Boys Made Of?

Here is Tiger Woods representing Tag Heur ("Tagged Her"... which he certainly did: Multiple times, with multiple women).

The ad asks "What are you made of?"

You know what? That's a great question!

An old nursery rhyme says that little boys are made of "Snips and snails and puppy dog tails."

What are big boys made of? Are they "Ho-bag males with big tall tales"?

My friend, "Sarah", uses the Tiger Woods debacle as an illustration for her assertion that "Men are only as faithful as their options." I've heard other people say similar things. In an article in Fox Sports, Jason Whitlock says that such behavior is a given when you're dealing with men who have a huge amount of wealth and unlimited choices.

Really? Is that all you are, guys? Unable to control your animalistic, primitive natures? Restricted to monogamy only when you're forced to be? Perhaps this is an argument against evolution.

As Whitlock writes, "Hook ya boy up!" is the rallying cry of a single man and many men given a weekend pass by their wife or girlfriend."

Perhaps I am naive: After all, I've certainly seen the worst in people and yet I still continue to hope that they are more than their base nature. In my faith, we believe we are all disgusting pigs without God to guide us and give us higher standards. But even those who don't share my faith agree that cheating is abominable. Right?

So... what are big boys made of?

Where Are the Editors?

I've seen many badly written headlines lately. Where are the editors?

A headline out of The St. Pete Times today reads "Deputies: Man who robbed bank dressed as a woman captured".

It took me a minute to figure out what the heck this meant, because the sentence is structured badly. If you write for a living, shouldn't you be able to put something together that reads a little smoother? As I read the headline, I initially saw it in my mind's eye as:

"Man who robbed bank dressed, as a woman was captured." I could see the man struggling to get his pants on, as his female accomplice was getting tackled by cops. After this initial puzzling impression, I realized that a bank robber was impersonating a woman when he robbed the bank, and had just been captured by deputies.

Yikes. After that mental exercise before my first cup of coffee, I passed on reading the rest of the article. Instead, I moved on to "Cody the convenience store dog must go, state warns", which really needed two additional commas in the headline. Are commas that expensive these days? Are we rationing them?

But my favorite headline remains Bush Putin.

Grandma's Undies: Hot Fashion Craze?

Wow. What an amazingly hot costume. I'm sure this will be the rage in all the nightclubs, thanks to Lady Gaga. So, being the helpful tips maven that I am, here's how to look like Lady Gaga.

1. Grandma's old girdle, cut in places of your choosing
2. Grandma's support hose (white)
3. Grandma's "slimming" body suit
4. Old foam skeleton from Halloween (use pieces to accessorize the feet, use the rib cage for your torso, but make sure that you cut out the strategic parts to show The Boobages).
5. Stripper shoes
6. Bra? What bra?

RIP Solange Magnano

I had the opportunity to meet Solange a couple of years ago. She was a very personable and kindly woman, and fluent in at least two languages. She wasn't beautiful (in my opinion) despite being a former Miss Argentina, but she carried herself with grace.

God forbid I ever die in butt surgery.

Chelsea Clinton's Parents "Proud"?

Chelsea has grown into a lovely young woman, who has just announced her engagement. CBS News just did a story on this, adding at the end that her parents will be beaming proudly as she walks down the aisle.

What? Since when is tying the knot The Goal for an up-and-coming young woman? This is something for her parents to be proud about? I feel like I just stepped into the 1960s, when The Little Woman dreamed of a shiny new MixMaster for Christmas.

Chelsea's parents have a great deal to be proud about, but her upcoming nuptials take a backseat to her true accomplishments.