Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Recent Observations

Cloth Shopping Bags
To the politically correct woman who had 10 cloth bags at the front of the line in the grocery store, and made the bag boy bag every single item in each bag as she painstakingly handed him each item, thus delaying the line until it was backed up beyond all belief: I hate you

Speeching Class
"I have a speeching class this weekend," said the girl who most obviously needed it.

So I ask Yasmine for her email address. "Yes ma'am," she answers, and then pauses. "Ok, go ahead," I say. "Yes ma'am," she says, and pauses again. Then I get it. She's saying "Yasmine."

Killing Reagan 
Bill O'Reilly's former books (such as Killing Jesus) are riddled with speculation and historical inaccuracies, so why not his book on Reagan, too? I'm not surprised. Incidentally, his fiction is badly written, thinly veiled self-congratulatory pap as well.

Blue Eyeshadow
I am endlessly fascinated by bad makeup jobs. When I was a teen, I tried wearing blue eyeshadow once. I came to the breakfast table and my father, The Scientist, peered at me through his glasses and then pronounced "You look just like a type of lizard that develops blue patches during mating season." So much for blue eyeshadow.

The Current Economy
A friend just posted a meme that says "I just want to spend the rest of my life laughing." The first comment underneath it: "Just look at your paycheck".

Keeping Christ in Christmas
Wow. I just saw an entire long-winded rant about keeping Christ in Christmas, which sounds like they may have no idea who Christ is whatsoever, as well as the fact that He was probably born in the spring, anyway.

OK, I'm a bit tired of seeing the new socialist Canadian PM's sexy photo shoot posted on my news feed. Many women are drooling over him. Just remember, ladies: They drooled over Ted Bundy, too.

I just spoke with a Tyre Ford. I'm guessing her parents are car aficionados. She's just lucky her first name isn't Windshield, I suppose. Too bad her last name isn't Volkswagen, her first name could be Farfegnugen.

Disco Prairie Girl
A friend's recent post reminded me of the only doll I ever played with when I was a kid. My mom felt that she would be more wholesome than a Barbie doll. So what did I do the moment I got this flat chested redhead? I threw out her clothes, chopped her hair to shoulder length, and made her disco outfits.

It's Not Your Business, Remember?
There's this lady I know who always says "It isn't MY business," and then proceeds to make it her business.

Ariana Grande Hates America
If Ariana Grande says she hates America, why is anyone shocked? It's typical of so many in show biz: Make money off the gullible American public and denounce America at the same time. Why not? Public memory is short.

Nailing It
I've been listening to a woman talk about her nails for 15 straight minutes. I never believed it was possible to die out of sheer boredom, but if I do, remember me well

She's All Grown Up
My kid, after hearing my snarky voice-to-text message to someone: "Well aren't YOU being passive aggressive today?"
I'm so proud of her. It almost brought a tear to my eye. She understands the big words and concepts.

Barney's Apple Spiced Coffee
The idea of Barney's Spiced Apple coffee sounds wonderful...until you take your first sip and realize it tastes almost exactly, but not quite, like canned peas and lemon juice. Now I have two choices: Continue to drink it while pretending it tastes like something other than what it tastes like, or pitch the entire box.

Voice-to-Text Problems
I'm having problems with my voice-to-text on my not-so-smart phone. I find if I yell into it as if I'm speaking to someone who forgot their hearing aid, I get decent results. However, that doesn't go over so well in the supermarket.

Kar Names
I just spoke to a Kamry. Her parent(s) had the foresight to spell it with a "K" because heaven forbid that she be confused with a car. The next girl I spoke to was Kia: At least HER parent(s) named her after an entire company. I am NOT kidding.

Is it Dinner or a Confession?
Just got dinner from my favorite Chinese restaurant, whose employee always tells me I've ordered "Shrimp Eff You Young."

Pumpkin Pie Spiced Coffee
"Life is better when there's pumpkin pie spiced coffee in it." -Marie Antoinette