Saturday, February 17, 2007

Stay FAR Away From The Bridge to Terabithia!

I have just returned from the worst movie I've ever seen in my life, and that encompasses a whole lotta movies. This movie is more putrid than a piece of rotting fish. It's more detestable than Michael Jackson, more disappointing than Macaulay Culkin's career.

If you love your children, keep them far away from this travesty of film-making.

Surprisingly, there were warm accolades from many reviewers. I can only believe they were dropped on their heads as babies. To enjoy this movie, you have to have the taste of the tasteless, the discrimination of Pamela Anderson, and the intellect of Brittany Spears.

Although the "hook" for the movie was all the fantastic graphics in the previews, the actual graphics were only about 1-5% of the otherwise dull and introspective film. You want to get up and leave halfway through the film, but hope keeps you in your seat. When it's over, pray that you don't have any weapons nearby: It's so dismal, you may simply want to end it all.

The film revolves around a backwards boy, living in the midst of a dysfunctional family. His only outlet is through drawing. A new girl moves in, and she's lively and fun and they become great friends. His life gradually begins to improve, as they play together and take on the school bullies. Then one day she dies in a shocking tragedy, and we are subjected to the horrors of his dealing with her death. At one point, we think he may be going mad. Later on, we wish he would. At least a glimpse into the mind of a madman would be more interesting than this dull cinematic attempt.

Amazingly, some reviewers have compared it to "Narnia", another Disney film. This is as akin to Narnia as the Reverend Jesse Jackson is akin to David Duke.

So, if you're tempted to take your children to the movies, stay far away from The Bridge to Terabithia, lest you drown in a maudlin mix varying between emotion and boredom.


mckay said...

w o w

that's exactly the movie i talked my almost 5 year old son into seeing in a few hours. he wants to see ghostrider!

what's a mom to do?!

maybe a bike ride or the's gorgeous outside today. ;0)

thanks for your perspective on this flick.


Saur♥Kraut said...

McKay, Ghost Rider looks good. I may need to take SaurKid to it to wipe away the nasty feeling we had after leaving The Bridge to Tarabithia.

Matt said...

So why didn't you like the movie? Was it because it was too serious for children or was it a piece of crap?

I for one am looking forward to Reno 911.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Matt, It was just a horrid disappointment all around. The plot was putrid. The acting was good, but if you're a major studio like Disney you can almost guarantee it (unless you hire Jessica Simpson). The "promise" of a fantasy movie was a lie, and people and children were crying. Some got up halfway through the movie and left.

Bryan said...

Thanks for the warning because I was thinking about taking my daughter to see it.

Speaking of DVD's that are out, have you seen "The Visitation"? It's a film made from one of Frank Peretti's novels. Very good, I thought.

The Lazy Iguana said...

I am on Disney Movies STRIKE till they release "Song Of The South" on DVD!

Uncle Remus rules. And kids do not get Splash Mountain! Disney uses "Zipity Doo Dah" as their on hold music and they pipe it through the theme parks - but the movie it came from is for all practical purposes banned!

They suck. Give me Mr. Blue Bird or give me death.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Lazy, no way! You too? I had no idea that there were any Song of the South fans. They have mistakenly branded it to be racist, when it's a piece of history. It's like banning Porgy & Bess!

Bryan, I didn't know it was out! I haven't read a Frank Peretti book in years.

The Lazy Iguana said...

There are a whole bunch of Song Of The South fans! I have the DVD on my Netflix list, and got onto some online petition thing. The idea is to pressure some big players to pressure Disney to let the film out on DVD.

The movie was released in Europe on Laser Disk and in the USA on VHS. Some people with copies have put it on DVD. You can order a copy from many places. Quality is not great but it is good enough.

Also - whenever I go to Disney - I ALWAYS fill out the comment card thing. The only thing I put on the card is "Release Song Of The South on DVD", or if I feel like it I ask the employees in the Splash Mountain gift shop what movie all the characters come from.

Anonymous said...

i almost took my son to this as well, but his dad wants to. so ill let that idiot figure it out. HAHA, except my poor son will be made to endure it.

i'm a walker outer. if i don't like something i don't waste my time watching it. i feel that way about the black dahlia. that movie sucked ass.

Senor Caiman said...


I'm sick and when I'm sick I go to a movie that I wouldn't normally go to. I like to spread my germs.

But anyway I went to "A Man and his Three Daughters". It's a black film. I found it funny and touching. I think northern blacks would probably like it but I don't think Pinellas County blacks would like it. I would like to get a black's perspective of it though.

Have you seen it?

R2K said...

Im not a parent, so I dont have to deal with them. I think most kids films are terrible to begin with. Harry potter and all the others included.

emmasometimes said...

My firefox feeds are acting up, I am not, however smoking doobies. I found myself posting on one of your month old posts and wondering what you were doing posting stuff again. :p

That'll be one I'll miss then...

Ellen said...

I won't go to see this movie purely on your recommendation... but then I can't even remember the last time I've been in a movie theatre anyway. It's been many, many years.

One of the Christmas presents I received from a friend in Florida this year was a free 3-month subscription to Netflix. Jogging through the list, I found a lot of movies that looked more interesting, and that I did miss when they were out in the theatres eons ago. I'm loving the fact that I have time to catch up on the ones I did want to see, and not pay a hefty price to see one that I would have walked out on.

As far as Song of the South.... what's so racist about that? It was a lovely story; one I enjoyed as a kid, and one that made me fall in love with the south many years before I moved here. I even had a chance to visit the beautiful house where the stories were written, as Joel Chandler Harris was from Atlanta. Such a shame to sweep his work under the carpet.

Ed Abbey said...

Because it looked like a cheap knockoff of Narnia, I hadn't been planning on seeing it. Then I saw about two minutes of Ebert and Roeper, both of whom I dislike, and they convinced me to give it a shot. Fortunately you saved me Saur and I've come to my senses. It's back off the list.

Seth said...

Bridge to Terabithia is very well-made. It's pretty telling that Saur cant point to any specific criticism of the film, beyond that "the plot is putrid."

that's funny, because the plot was based on an award-winning novel that is read in the vast majority of US classrooms.

this reviewer is a fucking retard.check out the great reviews this movie is getting from print and online news outlets all over the country and read some reviews that actually explain the strengths and weaknesses of the film before judging it. i hate children's movies, but thought this was really good.

Three Score and Ten or more said...

Otherwise, what did you like about the film ;-> ? I was interested in your review. The critic above was wrong when he said it is found in most of the Elementary class rooms. I asked many of them around here and no one had heard of it. I read it many years ago, and enjoyed the book, but from the little I could remember of it, I couldn't figure out the trailers. Now you have clarified the idea.

Anonymous said...

my son is reading this story at school right now

The Lazy Iguana said...

I think Seth is a plant from the movie studios.

You know what movie REALLY sucked donkey balls? Cold Mountain. HORRIBLE! TERRIBLE!

Chick flicks ought to not ever be disguised as war movies.