Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Colon Cleansing

I was googling a GNC vitamin regimen and came across this site. Obviously it was put together by someone in a foreign country, hoping to trap unwitting Americans who are health-conscious.

The entries are hysterical. Two of my favorites are:

You are in all probability asking: 8216 Why should I detox my thing earlier Thanksgiving and Christmas? Your body, and particularly your colon is adoration a sweage system. Just suppose your town s garbage collection staff went on smack over the Holiday season? Loads and loads of balderdash would be piled along the streets. Infestation, rats, prestilence etc. This is exactly what happened to your colon this year. Now, don t get me wrong, you testament not enjoy rats in your system, however, you may invite the fallacious 8216 inhabitants and you heel up with worms, or worse.

1. Thank you, 8216, for explaining why I should detox my thing.

2. I've never considered the possibility of my town's garbage collection staff going on smack over the holiday weekend. In fact, I've never even pictured them smoking a joint. I will now be worrying about balderdash and prestilence piling up.

3. They are amazingly accurate! My testament does not enjoy rats in my system. In fact, only Richard Gere's testament enjoys rodents in his system, but I hear they're gerbils.

4. I never realized that I could heel up with worms. I now have something to supplement my untreatable Nightmare Disorder, which involves feet and worms with grappling hooks.

Aside from our residence and gardens, we should also consider cleansing our bodies. We are exposed to toxins on a diurnal basis, if it be chemicals, environmental corruption or dietary poor food acceptance and excessive indulgence of sugars and alcohols and all these toxins put extra work on our body� s away emigration systems. The organs most responsible championing toxin removal are the liver, kidneys, lymphatic system, fleece and colon. Overloading our corpse with toxins can bulge to reduced work in these considerable organs.

1. You know, I have never given much thought to my body's emigration systems, but it's nice to hear I have a champion in my fleece. Everyone needs a champion!

2. They kind of lost me on the part about overloading my corpse. Truthfully, after I'm done with my body, I doubt I'll worry about how toxins can bulge to reduce work. But of course with modern medicine, we certainly appear to be sustaining life way beyond normal life expectency. Perhaps this tip would help Larry King.

So, after reading these helpful and inspiring memos, I decided to write to them as my alter-ego, Jacinta Buggs:

dear sir, i am abstemious in my regard for your corpsical references. in most particulate, i am interstitial in colon cleansing and will hope for a perspicious endeavor with your help. of most interest to me is the question: should i use an enema or merely partake of enough sensate material to give me diarrhea? i await in erudite pleasure for your reply.

jacinta buggs

I am eagerly awaiting their reply.


Ed Abbey said...

All I can do is shake my head and laugh!

Edge said...

That was a nice way to say, "What's the best way to get the squirts?"


Jungle Mom said...

Please let us know when and if you hear back!!!
As to your comment you left me, sorry about your back! I can relate, having had two surgeries and am trying to hold off another. At least until after my son's wedding and my move to Paraguay.

Stephanie said...

Okay. I'm on the phones at my office in between reading this, and I'm laughing almost uncontrollably while answering calls. Not cool, Saur... not cool. ;o)

Heather said...

That is way too funny! Maybe we should hook Eddie up with this as part of his detox.

The Lazy Iguana said...

Just guzzle a solution of epson salt and water. That will probably make you shit for weeks. You may even shit yourself into a corpse like state.

You know, I have known people into this ass cleansing thing. It was supposed to be healthy and whatnot. But the strange thing was they were ALWAYS having some sort of problem. And no matter how many times they cleansed the colon, it was ALWAYS full of shit.

I never got it.

Uncle Joe said...

That makes me want to convert to the Shantar Religion.

If I see any balderdash piling up on my street I'm gonna run out and grab all I can.
I love balderdash.

Anonymous said...

I like that one of the ads on the website shows the lower half of a guy sitting on a toilet, now if that isn't effective advertising I don't know what is.


Frey said...

Dear Jacinta, I testament bulging with overloading of excessive laughing.

Yes, excessive indulgence of smack does put extra work on the brain.

Bee Repartee said...

That's better than Engrish. :) Thanks for the laugh.

Groovy Mom said...

Oh that is deliciously hilarious! Now I will be imagining my garbage men on smack over the holidays. LOL!

Bryan said...

Mmm. Anyone in the mood for red meat besides me?

Fred said...

I just about about fell on the floor after reading all of this.

Three Score and Ten or more said...

Snicker---No, make that chuckle---No I think that even Guffaw doesn't quite make it. ;->

Aunt Jo said...