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Thursday, December 21, 2006

The Christmas Fart

My brother "Adam" was The Fart King. He passed gass more than your Great Grandma and Great Grandpa combined. He could even fart at will, which many other boys thought was an art. "Pull my finger," he'd suggest. Any victim stupid enough to do so would always regret it.

Adam could never eat beans. The results were notorious. Whenever mom made chili, we stayed far away from Adam and pitied our younger brother "Sam" (who shared his room). I was the oldest, therefore I tried to be the most dignified. I would say little, and stay above the fracas, unless it directly affected me. Then I would lay into him and badger him into a rather sheepish apology. "One day you'll regret this, Adam!" I would roar. "You have to get control of it!"

When Adam was in his early teens, he and Sam were asked to play as shepherds in our church's nativity play. Although they didn't need to learn any lines, they were supposed to stand in the background, holding their shepherd crooks, gazing adoringly at the plastic baby in the manger.

On the night of the nativity play, Mom made chili. Now, Mom's chili is delicious. Most people don't make it as well as she does, and as I recall, Adam even had a second helping. For some reason, no one considered the dire consequences that could result from it.

That evening, the play started out very well. The church was full, and everyone was expectant. Kids of all ages filed onto the stage as their turn came, and eventually there were several angels, shepherds, three wisemen, Mary, Joseph, and plastic Baby Jesus.

True to their roles, Adam and Sam were among the shepherds, gazing adoringly into the manger. The room grew hushed as the announcer began to speak of that silent night long ago, when...

A massive fart split the air.

Magnified by a nearby microphone, it rattled throughout the church. There was a moment of stunned silence, and then a mass exodus from the stage. Mary and Joseph scrambled over helpless victims to get away from the toxic explosion, leaving Baby Jesus to fend for himself. Adam was left on stage, turning bright red, as Sam cowered away from him.

The church watched in hushed awe. Then, someone began to chuckle. That chuckle spread like wildfire and soon everyone was laughing. Adam shrugged awkwardly, which only added to the merriment.

Once the air had cleared, everyone resumed their places and the play continued. But, Adam was never asked to be a shepherd again. The Christmas Fart became the stuff of legend, and was re-told throughout the church and our own family as a cautionary tale for many years after.

And now you know the story of The Christmas Fart. And why you should avoid eating chili if you're about to go on stage. And (most importantly) if you ever have Adam over to dinner, I recommend that you serve something easily digested. His wife will thank you.

32 comments:

Meow said...

That is totally hilarious, although I reckon my hubby could give him a run for his money !!
Take care, and have a wonderful Christmas ... hugs, Meow

Jenn said...

Wow, that is just too funny. You need to submit this to Reader's Digest or something.

Debbie said...

Saur this was a delightful read! I am so glad I came over! He got his in the end didn't he! LOL Must say if they smelled that bad they do have to come in handy when one wants to clear a room. But he should have learn the method my oldest brother used, Silent but Deadly!

Miss Cellania said...

A classic. I loved reading that!

Lee Ann said...

Oh, that is great..haha!
I hope you have a very Merry Christmas sweetie!
~xo

Matt said...

So that... went over like a fart in church?

I wonder what Adam's doing right now?

Badoozie said...

i bet adams farting right now, in remembrance of this occasion. i think he made that fart his *itch. farting is an art, one which will live on well into eternity, so i suggest you each hone this skill, and treasure it always. may you fart in peace. to each his own fart. long live the notorious christmas farter. his FARTNESS

The Lazy Iguana said...

When you fart in church, do you have to stay in your pew?

Daisy Lupin said...

I dare, it will be on the daisy lupin christmas site late today.

eshuneutics said...

Hi, do have a happy holiday--with Adam's gift it could be not so much a light Christmas as an illuminated methane Yule. Thanks for your many wild and wonderful laughs in 2006!

honkeie2 said...

Its my first time here and what am I greeted with.....The funniest post I have read all week.....muahahahahahhahahaahaha!
I thought I was bad, I love fart jokes hahahaaha keep them coming

Matt said...

Once upon a time I worked in a cubicle warren in a publishing company right next to this older Carribean woman with a heavy accent.

I had some kind of gas building up that morning and released the most powerful silent but deadly one ever, which just oosed out of me in one long, quiet burst. It had the stench and it had the distance. It was a veritable toxic cloud.

Forty-five seconds later: Carribean woman's accented English: Oh, good Lord!

It was my greatest workplace moment ever....

hadams said...

Merry Christmas, Saur. That is absolutely hilarious!! Hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Ted said...

This made me believe in Christmas again.

QUASAR9 said...

Aaah, such flatulence
When eating we must beware
whether we are to eat pungents
and need to be aware, lest the
ghostly silence turn to mighty roar

QUASAR9 said...

Saurm, Thanks for the rhyme
at my place, like a wind chime

Season Greetings and best wishes ((hugs)) here to you & Saur kid too

Eddo said...

haha. That is hilarious!

Kathleen said...

That is the funniest story! Thanks for the huge and yet somewhat spiritual "belly" laugh.

Merry Christmas, Saur.

Anonymous said...

Hey there!

My website includes a link to yours within my list of Tampa Blogs:
http://sticksoffire.com/about/tampa/blogs-more/


Would you be so kind as to return the favor?

You can cut & paste, if you like:

Sticks of Fire: a Tampa website

Thanks for your consideration.

tommy

Sorry to post this request in your comments but i did not see your contact information

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

At least you do not have to worry about sound effects!

Have a wonderful Holiday, Saur. I have enjoyed reading your blog!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

OMG! I agree with Jenn. This is a Reader's Digest winner. You should submit it!

Senor Caiman said...

Saur,

I can certainly empathize with your brother. When I start laughing I start fanny burping. Movies are a little awkward but at least my fanny burps don’t smell.

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Hahahaha!
Have a wonderful Christmas Saur♥Kraut :)

tea
xo

Emma Sometimes said...

Confucius says, "He who farts in church sits in his own pew."

I like that it became church legend..hehe. Great post, Saur!

daveawayfromhome said...

heh heh heh, farting rools...

undergroundlogician said...

Hey, what do you think stables smell like? Cinnamon pot pouri?

Merry Christmas to all!

The UL

Nihilistic said...

As I was reading this my dog who is sitting on my lap just let go with one of the most rank farts I have ever smelled! I think he was reading too!

Awareness said...

Great story. Have you ever read the children's book....."Walter the Farting Dog?" A true story written by a local writer/teacher. It's very funny......and has become a bestseller. Your story reminded me of it.

Merry Christmas......

Paul said...

Great story. Hilarious. Well-written. Enjoyed it!

Merry Christmas!

Fred said...

So glad I came back from Disney to read this post. What an absolute riot.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Merry Christmas!

Mrs Lifecruiser said...

I saw your comment at Debbies blog and curious as I am I had to come over....

And I'm glad I did! This is a hilarious story, simply wonderful. But then, we have a bit strange humor ;-)

I remember when I was visiting my Mom at the hospital dep. for elderly once and there was this old lady sitting in a sofa next to another old lady when she suddenly needed to go to the bathroom and just when she passed the other ladys face (!) with her butt she farted very heavily and it was a extremely long - as a whole serenade… The longest I ever heard in my whole life.

And the other poor lady, handicapped as she was couldn't escape the farts! Even my mother started to giggle. It was impossible not to. We pretended that we said something funny, but I suspect the lady knew anyway.

I one wrote a more scientic post about farts:

Serious fart talk

Kind of strange way to introduce myself to you, or what do you say? *giggles*