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Friday, September 23, 2005

The Pain

I don't blog about it, because there is no point. I don't talk about it to many people (until recently, that is). When people have discovered that I live perpetually in pain, they are astounded. I'm always cheerful, and have a kind word for everyone, and work the hardest of anyone. But I believe that, as my grandmother once said: "What we cannot cure, we must endure." I try to be positive and happy, and I try to enrich others' lives. There is little time left for me to feel sorry for myself, and it's counterproductive. But the pain is sometimes close to unbearable.

I have three bulging disks in my neck, and at this point my condition has worsened. I go in for a test next Friday where they will be able to decide just where they need to operate. It will be painful, too, and I am a little scared. They'll be injecting dye into three areas in my neck and I'll have an epidural, but even then I'll still be able to feel the pain (so that they can identify where the source of the problem is). After that, I'll schedule another review with my doctor and I'll bring The Scientist (my brilliant and beloved scientist relative) to meet with the doctor as well. Then about two weeks after that, I'll have the surgery done. They'll basically be screwing a metal plate into the back of my neck.

Some people are appalled to find that I'm going in for surgery, until I tell them that it will probably bring welcome relief. My mom is worried. She has always had a wary distrust of all doctors and avoids them assiduously. Her hopes are always that the problem will just go away. Sadly, I've been living with increasing amounts of pain for over 5 years. I had to tell her that, gently, and let her know that I haven't been burdening her or dad with it because there was nothing they could do.

I've refused to take pain killers or muscle relaxants. I like my brain too much, and hate the disconnected feeling those meds give me. So, it's either surgery, or a lifetime of sleeping on ice and popping tylenol. I think it will need to be surgery. When it's all over, I can get my life back and get back to doing all the things I love so much. I am a little scared, but I am also a little relieved.

15 comments:

michelle said...

I can pick up the kids any time for you. They can come over, spend the night, what ever helps.
But, I really want to know what I can do for YOU!

AP3 said...

So sorry to hear of your pain and condition. Getting some relief sounds like a good plan to me. We'll be thinking of you!

Saur♥Kraut said...

Michelle, thanks, hon. I know you will. I may take you up on it. Mom and Dad say they want to watch over the recovery. The Other Half may have to fight them for it. My mom is scared that I'm going to die, but the chance is SO small it's not worth worrying about. She's just nervous about people dying on the operating table... I understand, because I would feel that way if it were one of MY kids going under the knife.

AP3, thanks, hon. *hugs*

Credit Dog said...

If you're going to Morton Plant Mease, I'll check in on you.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Mr. Tyrone, thanks! Bring flowers... ;o)

Fred said...

One of our good friends has the same thing; he's been on disablity for years. His, unfortunately is inopereable. I'm not too sure why, but it nonetheless is very painful for him on certain days.

Good luck with the surgery.

Dan said...

I am constantly amazed by the number of women who live in constant pain. Mostly from past car accidents, I can basically count on both hands the number of women I've met and or dated or been interested in dating that have constant pain of some sort.

I myself would never be able to deal with that...

Saur♥Kraut said...

Dan, wow! Really!? That's interesting. I wonder why more women than men...? Or do you think it's evenly balanced and you've just run across more of the women who've had problems?

Fred, thanks! I feel badly for your friend. It's tough, especially right now with the weather changes. I've been laying on ice all day today. I pack my neck in it from all angles.

Tabasamu said...

I'm sorry, girl. I would never have guessed...

Jamie Dawn said...

It is terrible that you are having to deal with so much pain. It changes your life. I hope that this surgery will be successful and give you a pain-free life again.
I know how much physical problems can hinder everyday life. I wish you all the best. Keep us informed, and let's rejoice when this gets better for you.
It's normal to be afraid. I'd wonder what was up with you if you weren't.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Jamie Dawn, thanks, sweetie. You have spoken of your problems in your blog, so I figured I might as well share mine. Besides, I may not be blogging for a couple days next month after the surgery; best to prepare everyone.

I am so glad you said something about being scared. Because there are days that I am. My mom didn't mean any harm by it, but now she has me a little more nervous than before.

Still, it will be a great alternative to now; which is laying in bed packed in ice like a mackerel!

actonbell said...

Good luck with your surgery, we'll be thinking of you, and hoping you get some relief.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Actonbell, thank you. I will let you (and everyone) know when it will be, so that no one is surprised if I 'disappear' for a couple days...

Bernadette said...

Have you ever considered trying hot yoga for your back? (www.bikramyoga.com)

Bernadette said...

Specifically: Click on "Testimonials", scroll down to "Skeletal System", click on "Bulging Disc".

I like sauerkraut!