The Pain

I don't blog about it, because there is no point. I don't talk about it to many people (until recently, that is). When people have discovered that I live perpetually in pain, they are astounded. I'm always cheerful, and have a kind word for everyone, and work the hardest of anyone. But I believe that, as my grandmother once said: "What we cannot cure, we must endure." I try to be positive and happy, and I try to enrich others' lives. There is little time left for me to feel sorry for myself, and it's counterproductive. But the pain is sometimes close to unbearable.

I have three bulging disks in my neck, and at this point my condition has worsened. I go in for a test next Friday where they will be able to decide just where they need to operate. It will be painful, too, and I am a little scared. They'll be injecting dye into three areas in my neck and I'll have an epidural, but even then I'll still be able to feel the pain (so that they can identify where the source of the problem is). After that, I'll schedule another review with my doctor and I'll bring The Scientist (my brilliant and beloved scientist relative) to meet with the doctor as well. Then about two weeks after that, I'll have the surgery done. They'll basically be screwing a metal plate into the back of my neck.

Some people are appalled to find that I'm going in for surgery, until I tell them that it will probably bring welcome relief. My mom is worried. She has always had a wary distrust of all doctors and avoids them assiduously. Her hopes are always that the problem will just go away. Sadly, I've been living with increasing amounts of pain for over 5 years. I had to tell her that, gently, and let her know that I haven't been burdening her or dad with it because there was nothing they could do.

I've refused to take pain killers or muscle relaxants. I like my brain too much, and hate the disconnected feeling those meds give me. So, it's either surgery, or a lifetime of sleeping on ice and popping tylenol. I think it will need to be surgery. When it's all over, I can get my life back and get back to doing all the things I love so much. I am a little scared, but I am also a little relieved.