PLEASE NOTE: THIS WILL LAST FROM SATURDAY THROUGH SUNDAY
I despise romance novels. Firstly, they all have the same plot: girl meets boy, they fall in love. Girl and boy get in a misunderstanding and have a huge, angry breakup. Girl and/or boy realizes it is all a mistake and they get back together again. Barf.
Secondly, my philosophy about romance novels (you get this for free, lucky you!): If you've got it, why read about it? If you don't have it, why read about it???
But, knowing that there are a lot of frilly females out there, the industry churns them out like porn movies. So, in keeping with industry standards (but let's limit the language, please) let's write our own Torrid Romance Story!
Madison pulled up outside the sprawling beach house that she was going to call home for the next 2 weeks. She needed this, she told herself. She needed a break after a long year as a famous attorney with a caseload the size of Texas.
She checked her rearview mirror and checked to make sure that her lipgloss was shinier than Donald Trump's teeth. She never went anywhere without lipgloss.
Getting out of the car, she tossed her long, blond hair carelessly aside as she reached for her suitcase.
"Look, it's Malibu Barbie!" someone drawled.
Madison looked up to see a man standing there, grinning indolently as he picked his teeth...
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realized that I, Madison, had switched from the third person narrative into the first person narrative.
"Madison!"
I snapped awake to find that I was dreaming...DURING A PARTNERS MEETING!! Thank God "toothpick man" was a dream, or nightmare, but now I have the stark reality of six pairs of eye's of my partners looking at me in amusement.
"Madison, did you catch all that?" The elder partner, Felix Baumgartner, querried with a glint in his eye.
"Yessir, I did." I didn't, but I couldn't reveal that I was daydreaming.
"Well, get on with it," chortled Ferdinand Hughson, number two man of Baumgartner, Hughson, Hughson, Steinmetz, Clark and Toynbee.
I fumbled with my papers and then they all broke into laughter.
"Madison," Felix began, "we've just voted to give you a six month paid sabbatical. Your work here at BHHSCT for the past three years has put us on the INTERNATIONAL map. We want to reward you for your tremendous achievements. And as you've just shown us," they all snickered, "this will offer you some time to get some rest and perhaps...some balance... in your life."
The eldest first lady, Eveline Clark, declared with a smirk, "We think this will be cheaper for us in the long run than putting in living quarters here at the office! You need a life...on the outside. Take it from me, honey, you'll be a better attorney for it."
My jaw dropped. Six months? Rest? BALANCE?
"Now, Angeline Madison, you may leave... with our blessing!" And all six stood and applauded.
I stupidly grabbed my papers and briefcase and still in shock, and befuddled joy, walked out through the heavy oak doors.
Just then, my cell rang it's "Treadmill" theme. An unfamiliar number popped on the screen.
"Hello?"
"Angie Madison!"
I couldn't believe it. It was...
Crabina Crenshaw, known by her stage name as Lobster Girl. LG, as she was known, made a fortune first as a stage performer, then in Hollywood. Her trademark was her left hand, which resembled a lobster claw. Yet, with that birth defect, she was able to find fame and fortune.
I represented LG when a small-time investigator showed up in the Florida town that she used to call home. This investigator somehow thought LG might be involved in her brother's death, so she contacted me immediately.
I got to know LG quite well, and she told me that she was having an affair with Felix Baumgartner while she was married. I was astounded, but was sworn to secrecy.
LG went on to tell me that her husband found out, and...
"...was making all kinds of threats, including that he was going to divorce me and take all our assets. Could you represent me, Madison?"
"I would love to, Crabina, but I'm on sabbatical and they don't want to see me around the office.
"I know! Let's BOTH go on vacation. We'll kick up our heels, flaunt our bosoms and maybe get some 'action' somewhere down around Tampa. I am just all of a sudden hot to trot. Maybe we could have some threesomes, you know, where we....
have three handed cribbage, three handed pinocle, or even a three-some in Monopoly."
Sigh. If I'm going to have any sabbatical, I'm going to have to say 'no' to this one. She's a bit strange.
"Crabina," I began diplomatically, "How about I have a raincheck. I haven't even figured out what I'm going to do for the next six months. Besides, I've been at it so hard lately, I don't think I'll be good company. I need some time alone."
Obviously disappointed, Crabina reluctantly gave in. "Angie, I hear it in your voice. I'll contact you in a month to see how you're doing. Oh, the bit about me and Felix...just kidding! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Feeling the intense urgency to hang up I forced a laugh and bid her good day.
Hmmm. This sabbatical is going to be harder to get used to than I thought. She approached the elevator and pressed "down." When the elevator doors opened to her delightful shock there stood...
and upon closer inspection realized the young stud was probably not old enough drive. Being an attorney of limited scruples and smelling opportunity, Madison (AKA Mad Woman) began to plot how she was going to saddle and ride the young buck. Smiling wickedly, she knew a perfect vacation was in the offing.
*L* Gads, did I write that? *L:*
You guys are doing great! This is turning into quite a plot!!! I'm taking a slight sabbatical myself today, so I won't add to it. Mallory, you left something out! We need to either fill in that gap or get you to repost...
When the elevator doors opened to her delightful shock there stood...
Her best friend, Mayzie. As she got on the elevator, she said delightedly "Mayzie, you'll never guess what just happened! I'm on vacation for SIX MONTHS!"
Mayzie's jaw fell open. "SIX MONTHS?" she gasped. "Why, that's almost unheard of! What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to take at least a month to go to the Keys. I've always wanted to learn to scuba dive," replied Angie.
Angie was in the Keys by that weekend. She had decided to throw all caution to the winds, and had called Mayzie's brother, Trevor Hammerjaw.
Trevor had been very friendly on the phone, and had willingly agreed to show her around a little. "You won't regret it," he promised. "If you spend some time down here, you'll probably end up wanting to hang your shingle up."
Not likely, Angie had thought privately to herself...
Unknown to her when she made her decision to go to the Keys, it was hurricane weather. Should she stay, with all the known warnings of what was about to occur, or would she be better off to travel, in hopes of getting ready for a new adventure, possibly even a new man, provided she could obtain that one client who would....
Trevor took her to his place. It was a lovely beach cottage on stilts, with a view of the ocean that was breathtaking.
"Do you think there's much of a chance of a hurricane while I'm here?" she had asked him (making light conversation).
"Well, there's always a CHANCE," Trevor had replied, furrowing his brow slightly, "but it's a slim one now. We're getting out of the worst of the season."
Now she was sitting on his back porch, sipping on a daquiri and watching the sailboats lace in and around each other...
...with the scissors he'd been using to clip his toe nails. He walked past her and picked up something from the ground. It was the blond hairpiece she'd been wearing. She blushed, she didn't realize she'd thrown her hair that carelessly.
He knelt before her and began picking up a few sheer lacy thongs. "Oh my," she gasped. Her suitcase had fallen open. Behind her was a trail of her underwear across the lot to where she'd parked her car.
"My car!" she shrieked. She had neglected to shift into park and the classic Yugo coupe was now rolling down he street into the path of...
Saur, I attached to your sentence fragment
Madison looked up to see a man standing there, grinning indolently as he picked his teeth...and upon closer inspection realized the young stud was probably not old enough drive. Being an attorney of limited scruples and smelling opportunity, Madison (AKA Mad Woman) began to plot how she was going to saddle and ride the young buck. Smiling wickedly, she knew a perfect vacation was in the offing.
OK, the whole story got really confused about three sentences ago, (someone hijacked it and confused everyone) so I'm going to start where the majority left off. Bananarama was following the whole story, so I'll go back to hers:
Now she was sitting on his back porch, sipping on a daquiri and watching the sailboats lace in and around each other...
Trevor came out and joined her. "What would you like to do first?" he asked.
"I want to see it all," she said. "What would YOU suggest?"
Leering provacatively, he said...
"Baby, you don't want to KNOW what I would suggest. How about a tour of the city instead?"
Realizing he was joking, she said "I see you're aware of your reputation!"
Pulling up a chair, he sat down next to her, facing the water. "Yup," he said. "Mayzie is always wanting to paint me for a real ladies' man. If I had done half the things she believes I've done, I'd probably be in the hospital on life support by now."
Angie laughed. "Well, that's good to know," she said. "Mayzie certainly has portrayed you differently..."
Trevor said, "Let me suggest we start with Key West. That's the main part of the Keys. We'll work northward from there. I hear you want to scuba dive! Should we look into scheduling you some lessons?"
They discussed her many options, while watching the sun set over the water.
"You hungry?" Trevor asked abruptly.
"Starving!" Angie said.
"Well then, I have a suggestion. Let's go to..."
"Crabby Dicks!"
"That's the name of a real restaurant?" asked Angie hesitantly.
Trevor gave her a sly grin. "Sure is," he said. "Look it up online if you don't believe me. The atmosphere's great, the food is fantastic, and the drinks are strong! You've gotta go there, just so that you can tell everyone else about the experience!"
Making sure she was well stocked with "RIDZ", Madison completed her preparations for an evening of fine dining at "Crabby Dicks"
What a night! Angie and Trevor arrived at Crabby Dicks just as things were heating up. The restaurant was packed, and people stood around waiting, holding foamy tropical drinks of unreal colors.
Because Trevor knew the owner well, they got a choice table with no wait.
To her surprise, Angie caught a glimpse of Lobster Girl at the bar, in animated conversation with someone that looked suspiciously like Tom Selleck. But Angie had her own claws...er...hands full that evening. Trevor was charming, witty, and captivating. She was falling under his spell...
The evening lasted late into the night. Trever walked Angie up and down the sidewalk to check out the Key West night life.
It was useless for Angie to try to sleep that night, well what was left of the night anyway. All she could do was think of how different Trever was than what she had initially thought. What other surpises was she in for...and how is it that Lobster Girl was in the Key's? Didn't she suggest going to Tampa?
Deep inside, Angie felt there must be something wrong with Trevor. He couldn't be this perfect.
She thumbed through the yellow pages and found a private detective.
She showed up at Jade Stone's office the next morning.
Jade was 6'5" of gorgeous man.
"Uh... Mr. Stone... I'd like for you to...
help me, please. This Trevor seems too perfect. He's the brother of my best friend, Mayzie. But, when I reflected on it, I had to admit to myself that I've only known Mayzie for a year..." Angie trailed off, hesitantly. "You think this is pretty lame, don't you?"
"Not at all," replied Jade. Angie reflected that he really had a very masculine voice for such a sissy name...
"Tell you what," Jade began thoughtfully. "You say you only know his sister for a year, yet you are best friends?"
"Yes," Angie responded with hesitation. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, for an extra $300 I could do a backround check on both of them. Plus..."
"Yes?" Angie warily asked.
"You going to be around for awhile?"
"For six months" Angie smirked.
"Why so long?"
"I'm on sabbatical from my law firm."
On and on Jade began to question Angie on her career, employer, the gamut.
"So you are a partner in the lawfirm of Baumgartner, Hughson, Hughson, Steinmetz, Clark and Toynbee?" Jade asked with great concern.
"YES!!" Angie exclaimed. "What? Is there something wrong?"
Jade fumbled with his pen looked square into Angie's soul with his hazel eyes.
"Let me put it to you straight, Miss Madison. You seem like a wonderful person, but there's something you need to know about your "wonderful" lawfirm..."
"It's been sold. Each of the partners were paid a ransom for their share by a slightly slippery consortium out of Tampa. It is now known as CL&F. The new owners are Crabby, Longneck and Fish." Madison could feel the heat rising from her face and could hear the blood pumping through her ears. Trying not to let him know how disturbed she was by the news, she quickly changed the subject back to finding out about Trevor and Mayzie. Anxious to conclude the meeting, she pulled out her checkbook and asked what he needed to get started. She rushed to say, "Get started immediately, here's a check for $1000.00 and I'll contact you once I'm settled and had some rest. As the door closed behind her she was overcome with . . .
a flurry of emotions, ranging from anger, fear, suspicion and vulnerability. She thought about the literal thousands of hours she's packed into this up and coming lawfirm, only to have her legs kicked from under her.
"What are they involved in and how deep does this go?" she thought as she climbed into her M3 and just drove, not knowing where she was going, but trying to flee the feeling of being trapped under the unusually azure Florida sky.
She drove for hours until she pulled over into a shaded beachfront, with an abandoned beach house that seen too many storms in its time. She walked through the waist high grass until the bleached white sand greeted her feet with the crunch of tiny sea shells. She plunked down in her weariness and just stared out into the aquamarine water...
… wishing she could drink some of it because she had a nasty wet cough. She tried to clear the phlegm from her throat but it seemed to be snagged on her epiglottis. She always kept several tissues in her handbag but she had used them all up during her crying sessions. She saw a French fry wrapper on the ground and was able to cough the mucus ball into the bag. Feeling revived she….
thought she noticed someone in the distance. Who could it be? It was Trevor. How did he find her?
"Fancy meeting you here Maddie"
"How do you know my nickname is Maddie? Only my father calls me that."
"I actually just got off the phone with your father, he and I set up this entire weekend. The sabbatical was his idea, he convinced your firm to give you a break because he is ready for some grandkids."
"What?" Madison's eyebrows furrowed as she tried to digest everything that she has just heard.
"You are wrong Trevor, the firm has been sold, I have no job."
"What are you talking about?" Trevor replied the shock and dismay obvious in his voice.
Madison replied vehemently pushing Trevor away, "I HIRED a private detective and he told me all about it! I know EVERYTHING!"
"Private Detective?" Perplexed Trevor tried to piece the puzzle together. "Who did you hire, there is only one detective in the Keys and everyone knows he is a fraud. He gets unsuspecting women to give him money and then he tells them what they want to hear. The truth is Maddie, I love you, I have been reading your blog for over a year now and I love you!"
Shocked and awed by this revelation Maddie looked at Trevor's face as if it was a crystal ball. She was surprised to see that it only revealed truth.
"I go by Eddo of Posted Note most of the time, but really I am Trevor and I live in the Keys."
"You are Eddo of Posted Note?"
"yes"
At that moment Trevor stepped up and kissed Madison deeply and passionately. They fell to the sand sinking into each other's embrace and gave in to their most primordial desires. Transported to another world they didn't hear someone approaching. It was Lobster Girl and she was carrying an axe.
LG stalked towards them hidden in the tall grass. She got closer, and closer, and closer, and slipped on the French fry wrapper on the ground that had the coughed up mucus ball in it.
Yuck! She screamed. Trevor raced to get the axe and...
The morning came and Madison was very tired. She had this crazy dream about a threesome and some guy named Trevor. "How Bizarre!" She thought to herself. She also had dreamed that she had eaten a really large marshmallow and for some reason her pillow was gone!
Tired, lonely, and restless she logged on to her computer and started to blog hoping that one day her dream might become a reality... except for the part about the pillow.
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