Monday, March 24, 2014

A Collection of Recent Thoughts in No Particular Order

Sometimes guys can be clueless, sometimes girls can be. I once had a really cute guy accuse me of flirting with him when I hadn't been, so I kept insisting I wasn't, when what he wanted me to do was to start. I only realized that later, of a year later, when he finally had to tell me.
From personal experience: Pretty boys are fun to look at, but very soon you become That Couple in the restaurant: One is reading the paper, the other one is staring out the window attempting to form a single thought.

Thou Hast No Grasp of The King's English

Just watched Solomon Kane last night which was mostly very good... except WHY can't Hollywood hire people who can teach them the difference between thee, thou, and thy? Is that too much to ask for simple historical authenticity?
The Scent of a Woman
I was just dabbing on my perfume when I remembered that one of my exes texted me to ask me what the name of it was. That's when I realized his girlfriend in Jacksonville is probably doing the exact same thing.

Say it Loud and Proud

How many of you have heard a woman proudly proclaim that she's a bitch? We all know it's because she doesn't want to take the trouble to be anything else. It's amazing how some people can turn real flaws into supposed virtues.

 Dorothy Parker Rocks

...which reminds me of a famous Dorothy Parker tale. She was at a banquet when a wealthy man leaned across the table and said "So you're the famous Dorothy Parker! I hear you can turn a phrase over anything. I just don't believe it." So she challenged him to come up with a word and she would run with it. And so he thought for a minute and said smugly "horticulture." And Parker replied "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think."
Spelling Abuse
I woke up to a photo of a motorcycle and the guy's caption was "On a steal horse I ride." It is too early in the morning to be subjected to such spelling abuses. I don't have enough self-control without coffee to be able to deal with it.
A Rose By Any Other Name
Do you ever rename evil people privately and then accidentally call them that name to their face? Yup.
Negative Reinforcement
I just chewed a good friend out in a text message and he called me back laughing: "Really?! You're going to chew me out in a TEXT message?" No one ever takes me seriously.

So... "Y" Are You Here?
T-shirt on guy entering child support office: " I'm only horny on days that end in "y"."
Yeah: We kinda guessed that.
Jackson: How old are you?
Me: Well, I'm a year younger than your mommy.
Jackson: Wait, you're 29?!
Me: Er... O.o

I am so totally uncool that I drink craft sodas. Everyone else is on the Totally With It Bandwagon and I am left having to look up to see what an IPA is. Even worse, it looks totally unappetizing. There. I said it.

Take Out or Delivery? 

I have a home phone that I never use. And by never, I mean never. And no one knows the number because...see first sentence. And yet, I still get calls from idiots. I ignored it for a while, but they keep calling. I finally solved it by always answering "Pizza Hut! Will that be take out or delivery?" I am still waiting for my first order.

I just ordered pizza online. Every time I do, I'm reminded of how Sandra Bullock ordered pizza online in The Net and how high tech we all thought it was.
The Sound of Music
TOM: What are you doing?
ME: Driving and listening to the CD from the Sound of Music and singing each song in a British accent.

WHAT? Doesn't everyone?
Eau de Febreze
So I'm spraying different Febreze scents down the aisle of the grocery store, wondering which scent to adorn my curtains with, when a guy walks by and then does a double take and looks at me weirdly...

Young Lady

There is NOTHING that makes you feel older than being called "Young Lady" by your waiter. Please pass the Geritol.

What's Black and White and Read All Over?

I just realized that an old joke doesn't work any more. "What's black and white and read all over?" "A newspaper!" (Being typical kids, we would alter the joke to be "A skunk! Lying in the road!") Today's kids have grown up with colored newspapers.
What Exactly Are You?
I'd like to think that somewhere there is a group of animals taking a "What Kind of Person Are You?" quiz.

Losing It weird is it that all my reading glasses disappear for a while, only to reappear simultaneously? The Borrowers must be busy.

...that awkward moment when you're looking for your phone, only to realize it's plastered to your ear...
Obama Says His Son Wouldn't Play Football
Time Magazine reports that 40% of all Americans would tell their kids to not play football, which is another way of saying that 60% think that Obama is an idiot for saying so.
Singing Acapulco

So during choir practice my mom (scary Choir Director) tells us that she wants to hear us sing acapella, which reminded me of the times my adorable "daughter of the heart" (Bugs) called it "Acapulco" as a child.

The Garg Medical Center

When passing the Garg Medical Center, does anyone else have the nagging impulse to say "GAAAARG" in their best Creature-From-the-Black-Lagoon imitation? Even if no one else is in the car? Even if someone IS in the car? Just wondering...

A Non-Cash Tip for Waiters

Here's a tip for waiters this season: If you have women at your table, showing them lewd photos of yourself in order to get a date with them only works if their standards are as low as yours are. O_o My friend and I never moved so fast to get our check and dash.

I Don't FEEL That Old!

I am still often shocked, as many of you will understand, to see a photo of me and think "I am THAT old now? I don't FEEL that old." Which reminds me of something my grandmother once said. We were in her bedroom, she was sitting at her dressing table looking in the mirror and she looked up at me and said "You know, Fre? I sometimes look in the mirror and I say 'Who is that old woman looking back at me? I'm only 17!'"

Another paranormal romance just hit the shelves. What IS this obsession with necrophilia and freaky sex with repulsive creatures? As if "Dreams of Bill" didn't creep us out enough in the early 90s...

Secret Ingredient

I have discovered the secret of good cooking. No matter what it is, you can make it much better if you add lots of your favorite ingredient to it. Thus, mole sauce was born which, coincidentally, can be eaten on almost everything - even moles.

Darn it All

Looking back on my youth, I often wonder at the middle school chorus teacher who taught us "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown." My parents had a fit when they heard that we were singing "...the baddest man in the whole damn town," so we had to sing "darn" instead. Like THAT helped.


Watching the news, I had this fleeting thought: Does everyone in Washington have bad toupees? Might as well go to the thrift store, buy an old fake fur coat, and cut it to size...

Stop Fighting It

A mutual friend said something that made me think of the awkward moment some time ago when a male friend said passionately to me: "Stop fighting it and let's give in to our mutual attraction." Except... there was no mutual attraction. I won major points that day for being both subtle and diplomatic.

National Institute of Head Slappers

There should be a National Institute of Head Slappers with volunteers all over the world, who can drop what they're doing at a moment's notice and slap someone upside the head when it's needed. If anyone decides to organize this, I'll sign up.

Taking Out the Garbage

So... I'm taking out the garbage at night, in the dark, wearing a pair of shorts and a sports bra: Somewhat acceptable attire, but I'm erring on the side of modesty and turn off the porch light so I can sneak to the garbage can with no one seeing me. I reach the edge of the driveway and... BAM! The one-million-gigawatt LED motion sensor light that we just installed goes ON and illuminates me, caught mid-sneak. Standing there, bathed in football stadium light, I simply give up, walk resignedly to the garbage can, make my deposit, and walk back inside.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

The constant rain is driving EVERYTHING inside because bugs don't like rain. I just went to take a shower... I looked in the tub and there was a roach the size of a small mouse. I grabbed a magazine and killed it. Then turned to kill the large spider spinning down...

They're Getting a Little Too Creative

Am I the only person that sees a car of a particular shade that is too dark to be cream and think 'mayonnaise'? I just saw a jar of sandwich spread on wheels go by.

Solving the In-law Problem

The best solution to in-law problems is to be rich, buy a large piece of property, dig out a huge moat with an island, build your in-laws' home on the island and control the ferry.

Designer Jeans

Why don't they make jeans with "KISS MY..." written on the backside? I would wear it to every political event.

Hair Disaster

[kindly neighbor trying to console me]
BILL: Well you look great, I like what you've done with your hair. What is that called? I know on men it's called a mullet.
ME: It's a flip shag...

Purse Strings

Has anyone else noticed that the USA is no longer sending money for the various worldwide disasters that continue? I guess someone finally figured out that we don't have it to spare.