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Saturday, July 09, 2005

How Dumb WAS She?

OK, it's Saturday morning and time for us to relax. Today's topic is my old friend, Bambi (the name has been changed to protect the naive). Bambi was an amazing creature. She was a tall, attractive brunette who received As all through high school and college, but was somehow the Idiot Savant of the the campus. My personal theory is that she was just plain lazy when it came to thinking about any subject that wasn't required. So, how dumb was she?

When we were teenagers, I used to hang out at her family's house a lot. They lived on the beach, and we would spend the weekends laying around on the beach working on our tans and flirting with the boys. One Saturday morning, a couple of really cute college boys walked over to us and started hitting on us. They had a cooler with them, and they spread their towels out next to us. As we were talking, the one closest to me offered me a beer. I took it and started swigging it, as Bambi continued to talk to the other guy.

Now, Bambi was a goody-two-shoes and would never have dreamed of doing anything she was told not to do. I was very daring and would often do something just to see how it played out. So as I brazenly chugged the beer, Bambi turned around and, in mid-sentence, she stopped and gasped "Saur, you're drinking a beer!"

"It's not beer, Bambi, it's coke in a beer can," I replied breezily. "Oh," she said, "Thank goodness."

This lack of intellect continued into adulthood. As a roommate, she was both loveable and completely annoying. She never thought ahead. She would blithely leave wet towels on antique furniture, figuring that everything would dry out eventually. She would also get on kicks and ride them out until she had exhausted everyone around her with her fervor. For a while, it was a nauseating diet powder that you had to mix into juice and drink rapidly. That spun off into an intense vitamin regimen which must have cost her a fortune. Then it was facials, or a boob job, or cooking.

One day while I was at work, Bambi called. "Saur, what's the difference between a tibble and a tisp?" she asked. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Bambi. Can this wait till later?" I pleaded. "No, I want to have dinner ready when you come home," she said. "If you can just tell me the difference, I can get started."

"Ohhh," I said. "A tibble is a tablespoon, a tisp is a teaspoon." "OK, I'm looking in the silverware drawer right now. Which is the tablespoon, and which is the teaspoon?" she asked... "And what's a 'C'?"

I am not lying.

Our friendship finally ended when she had an affair with a married man. She came home from work one day, euphoric that she had met this really great guy. After that, she would never stop talking about him. I had to hear about Rich's smile, his food preferences, his favorite colors, what he said to her that day, why he wore his watch on his right arm instead of his left one, etc. She would follow me around, talking incessently about Rich. My only hope of peace was to develop a violent bout of imaginary stomach flu or pretend to fall asleep.

Finally, one day I had to ask. "So, when am I going to meet this hunk?" I questioned. "Oh, someday," she said, waving her arm about vaguely. "He's really busy and has a complicated relationship with his ex wife."

That set off warning bells. I asked her what she meant by that. It turned out he had told her he was still living with his wife but they were divorced with kids. He didn't want to get the 'ex' jealous, so he couldn't openly date anyone else. Knowing how gullible Bambi was, I tried to make her see that this was a complete con. But Bambi was in love, and couldn't understand why I was so intent on destroying her happiness.

"Look, Bambi," I tried (on several occasions). "He won't give you his home number, you only have his cell and you can't call him on weekends. You've been dating a couple months now, and you've never met any of his friends or children. Doesn't this say to you that he's married and having an affair?" Nope. She remained stubbornly, blissfully ignorant. Until, one day when he admitted the truth. She was floored.

I came home to a new Bambi. She was packing her things. "What are you doing?" I asked, in horror. I saw half the rent going right out the window. She told me what happened. "I've decided to start a new life," she said airily. "I'm going somewhere where I can forget it all."

"But what about the rent?" I said, floored. "I can't make it on my own right now." "Oh, you'll find some way around it," she said confidently. "You always do. You are so lucky - everything works out for you." "Yeah, because I work at it!" I said. "Please, Bambi, don't do this right now. At least give me time to find another roomie." But my pleas fell on deaf ears. Bambi had discovered a new fad: Finding Herself.

That was the last I heard of Bambi. I don't know if she ever Found Herself. I heard she moved to one of the nearby cities, so I guess she Found Herself nearby. I'm still wondering to this day: Exactly what did she find?

c. 2005

28 comments:

Tabasamu said...

MARVELLOUS post, Saur! I can just see her. I've met plenty of stupid people, but I've never seen someone that can both make straight As in school, and fail so terribly at life. Funny, and pitiful.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Great post! Maybe she did find herself, in her own unique and distinctive way.

actonbell said...

Wow, that's a riveting story--and I have a feeling that she didn't find anything good, if she could be preyed upon so easily--unless she met a truly good, smart guy, someone to take care of her.

Fred said...

She probably found trouble. She sounds like a very nice person but without common sense, it's a recipe for disaster.

P.S. How did you pay the rent?

back-to-basics said...

It is probably better off she took off on you. I know it made it tough on you, but eventually her "naive side" would have taken its toll on you. Plus at some point you are becoming "naive" to her.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Fred,

Ah! Excellent question. I was forced to default on the apartment, put half my things in storage, and find a very tiny little place. Luckily, as Bambi said, I usually end up landing on my feet. Eventually. It was tough-going for a while, though.

Barbara,

I don't think she could ever find herself because I don't think her interest in that project would have lasted long enough. But I could be wrong, and hope she went on to became a better and less selfish person. She wasn't an evil person, by any means. Just shallow and light-headed. She was kind and loving and never cross.

Acton Bell,

That's exactly what she wanted. But she was also very picky. Some really nice guys were interested in her over the years, but she dismissed them as too short (under 5'8"), too fat (they were only chubby), too dark (she only liked light skinned redheads), etc.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Michelle,

Excellent point!

Tabasamu/TC

Yes, you're right.

snicksnack said...

A tibble and a tisp!!! *ROFL*

Senor Caiman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
snicksnack said...

Gator, *LOL*

SmileDragon said...

Ha ha ha, Gator.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Mr. Gator, *LOL*

Snicksnack & Smilesalot, Thanks for coming by! Glad you liked it.

Kathleen said...

Love the post, Saur. Mr. Gator, I have really grown fond of your posts. Life wouldn't be the same without them.

I am a softie. She made the connection, but kept her rose colored glasses. She found a geek who was a late bloomer and he dazzled her with a six-pack of Cherry Coke in Budweiser cans. And, they all lived happily ever-after.

Saur♥Kraut said...

P.S.

My son read the post and recognized Bambi right away. I remember when he was 6 years old, and I had left him with Bambi one night (Bambi was babysitting). He took me aside, and whispered in my ear (in all seriousness) "Mom, how can I take directions from her when she's not as smart as *I* am?"

Poor Bambi.

Senor Caiman said...

Smilesalot,

What a great post name. I smile a lot too since I had my teeth whitened; now my teeth match my stomach. Just thought I’d mention that I got pulled over last weekend for doing 60 in a 40 zone. My daughter had left her bible laying on the back seat and the officer let me go.

Kathleen,

Rose colored glasses, eh. I was born with rose-colored glasses, severe astigmatism in both eyes. What a wonderful way to go through life.

Saur,

I think I’m starting to like your hologram head. Do you have recessed ears? I knew a guy who was missing his right ear but have never known anyone who was missing both ears.

SmileDragon said...

mr.gator,
Your humor is sick and twisted and I LOVE IT! It sure adds for a nice break in serious conversations.

GodlessMom said...

Oh boy, does she sound familiar! I actually had to work for one of those a few years back. If your son thinks it is hard having a Bambi for a babysitter I hope he never has to take orders from one!

Great post!

Saur♥Kraut said...

Mr. Gator,

Whaddya want, big dumbo ears? Perhaps my ears are like yours, inset into the sides of my head. Mwahahaha... Funny about how you got out of a ticket because you had a Bible in your backseat. I think I'll get a bumpersticker that says 'God is my Co-pilot.' Snazzy. ;o)

Godlessmom, you must have the patience of a saint!!!

bananarama said...

Kathleen, right!

Senor Caiman said...

Recessed ears work for me. I sensed a stronger bond with you when you started using the hologram head, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I hear you, no more ear talk from me.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Great post. I've known some dumb people, but not as dumb as Bambi. Someone that dumb couldn't find her @$$ using both hands, let alone "herself."

Saur♥Kraut said...

Mr. Gator, *g*

Tany Lucy, *LOL* I always suspected that. I guess that's why I've never actually pursued trying to find her again. Besides, she left on quite a sour note.

Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

what makes someone exposed to such lack of common sense? Is it the parents who are to blame?

Saur♥Kraut said...

Ekbensah, I don't know! In her case, I think she was never encouraged to think. Her father was in banking (so he was bright) and her mother stayed at home watching soap operas all day (that might have been some of the influence).

She had many brothers and sisters, though, and I always felt that she should have had more mental stimulation. She had me and my family, as well. We would have these lively philosophical, theological, and scientific arguments around the table every night. You'd think she'd be interested eventually, but she would just passively listen. In one ear, out the other...

Anonymous said...

What do you think is worse?
Being smart lacking common sense, or having common sense but not being very smart?

Saur♥Kraut said...

I've known both types. It depends on their niche. If it's a college professor, he's much better off being smart with no common sense. But if it's someone who needs to be street smart (like a cop or a criminal) or someone who works with their hands (such as carpentry or woodworking) then it's much better for them to have common sense than smarts. Of course, it's always nice to have both, don't you think?

Meegan said...

Ha ha ha! I'm going to start using the words tibble and tisp. For the heck of it.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Meegan, ;o) My son still does!