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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Update on Elvira & Pie

Many of you joined this blog after I posted this story. It's a story of a Kid Out of Control (KOOC). 'Elvira' happens to be the daughter of a close friend of mine, 'Julie'. I have stories about Elvira that would curl your hair. By the end of it, your hands would be twitching to connect with her fanny...trust me. This kid could give The Pope high blood pressure. Whose fault is it? I'll be honest with you; it's Julie's fault. But no more.

During the summer, Elvira has spent a great deal of time over at her dad's. It's been a marvellous boon to Julie, who could finally breathe again after 10 years (this kid starting causing havoc the moment she was born). Julie began to realize just how much she had let Elvira get out of control, and how much of a toll it was taking on her health. As the summer progressed, Julie began to get back some energy, and felt less depressed. (At the same time, Elvira's father grew noticeably crankier).

Julie began to get the desire to 'do things' again, and one day she decided to tackle Elvira's bedroom. While she was sifting through Elvira's things, she came across a notebook, titled "Punishments". Julie had never seen this before, and sat down to read it. The book is filled with a very scientific summary of everything wrong that Elvira did, along with the punishment that came as a result of it. She also rates the punishments and makes comments like "Mom can't do any better than this?" "Mom is a wimp!" "This punishment is nothing." "Good thing Mom can never stick to her punishments."

Julie read this notebook with amazement and growing consternation. By the end of it, she was a new woman. She tore through Elvira's bedroom, cleaning out anything that wasn't necessary. She got rid of all the sexy little outfits that this 10 year old loves wearing (yes, she allowed her to wear micro mini skirts, heels, and makeup). Elvira will now be forced to wear (gasp!) kids clothes from now on.

Julie has also decided that Elvira was right about one thing. She was a wimp. But she has vowed to crack down on Elvira from now on, and stick to her punishments. The moment that Elvira walks back in that door, she will be subject to new chores and punishments. Perhaps there is still hope for both of them.

Update on Pie: Although she loves Leroy Selmon's Chopped Salad, she has decided that Wendy's taco salad is pretty good, too. When we got her, she was very thin. She now looks positively pregnant (she isn't). She's grown in just three days (I'll post more pictures tomorrow). She continues to become tamer. Yesterday night she actually felt comfortable enough to crawl about a little bit.

My Other Half (OH) was laying on the sofa, watching TV, and he asked to hold her. So, I put Pie on his bare chest. I turned my back for a minute and he suddenly yelped "OMG! She just went up my shorts!"

Sure enough, she had whipped into his shorts faster than you can say 'possum', and the entire family was in hysterics as we tried to get her back out again. The OH was torn between being absolutely still and jumping about like a mad man, so he did both. Pie, meanwhile, clung onto his underwear for dear life. I finally extricated her, after she had roamed about in his shorts for a little over a minute. He was greatly relieved, as he put it later, that she hadn't decided to 'try the sausage'. Good thing she's well fed...

17 comments:

Tabasamu said...

*LOL* I love the Pie stories. Keep 'em up! Interesting how Julie finally had to see Elvira's diary to realize what you were telling her all along. That kid's got some nerve!

bananarama said...

Funny! I can't believe that Elvira thought she could keep a running diary like that. That's WILD.

back-to-basics said...

Of course Elvira was able to keep the diary. She has raised herself so far. Picking out her own clothes, getting aways with stuff. If the punishement never sticks you might as well go for it. Anyone can suffer for a day or two. I sure hope mom sticks to her guns or she will be sending her kid to Reality Show "Brat Camp."

Fred said...

I see it every day as a teacher. 90% of the way a student behaves is a direct result of what a parent has, or has not done. By the time Elvira got to high school, she would have been a lost cause.

Julie probably saved her just in time.

actonbell said...

LOL! a pet small enough to get in your pants--way too funny.

That's an incredible story about Elvira!
I have a coworker whose teenage daughter has been scientifically raised to be Nothing But Trouble. I feel sorry for everyone around her, because it's probably too late.

mal said...

you are going to have to start a collections of stories called the "Adventures of Pie" *S*

I will be interested in seeing how Julie and Elvira progress

Kathleen said...

Sounds like Pie found another dark pouch to hang out in. That would have been the end of me.

Good luck to Elvira and Julie. I am glad that mom has accepted that she holds the key.

Bill R said...

Tell Julie there's always the "possum punishment"!

Saur♥Kraut said...

TC and Bananarama, I know, it's hard to believe a kid can be that bad, isn't it???

B2B I hope she sticks to it, too. Because my kids can't stand Elvira, and I've had to be honest and tell Julie that. It kills Julie, because she'd love to do things with all of us together, but for now I won't subject my kids to Elvira.

Fred, I agree. I understand that middle school is really the proving ground...?

Acton Bell, Mallory, and Kathleen, *G* Yeah, it was something to see. I wish I had it on video!

Bill, I think even a rabid dog would be scared of Elvira... My kids once were playing with her new puppy, and she got jealous. So she walked up to the puppy, picked it up, and threw it. The puppy was fine, thankfully. But that was one of the things that made my kids decide they wanted nothing more to do with her.

Jamie Dawn said...

Looking forward to Pie pics. I am glad your hubby remains intact.

Elvira is a spoiled brat. Good for Julie. The hard part is ahead of her. Stick to it, Julie. It's the most loving thing you can do! Hope you can help her, Saur.
Sexy clothes at age ten????? Makeup????? Julie needs some punishment too.

snicksnack said...

Great story about Pie, Saur! Tell the OH that he is more man than I am. I would have freaked out so badly, I'd still be hanging from the ceiling.

AP3 said...

Pie sounds sooooo cute!!!

Wow, hard to believe Elvira is just 10. Sounds more like an obnoxious 15 year old. Oy.

Senor Caiman said...

I work with many middle-age women out to change the world, but I don’t understand this Blog. Does your husband work at a deli counter? Where I come from an opossum in your pants means 3 years good luck.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Jamie Dawn, Yeah, makeup! The kid looked like a pint-sized streewalker half the time.

Snicksnack, *LOL*

Aral, Oh yeah. She's also very sexual, too. She kept wanting to discuss sex with my girl (no, I am sure she wasn't sexually abused, just spoiled and precocious). Luckily I taught my kids the facts of life as soon as they asked where babies came from, so my daughter wasn't impressed at all.

Mr. Gator, Middle aged? I hope you're not putting me in that category. I prefer '30-something'. You come from an interesting part of the country, my dear. I will have to tell him just how lucky he is! How's the trick skiing lately? The OH is impressed by that.

Senor Caiman said...

I was fortunate in that I trained under Alfredo Mendoza, 2-time world water-ski champion and Ice Capades performer. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer but had the balance and coordination of a modern day gay dancer. These days I only trick if the Victoria Secret Models are in a nearby boat and this is somewhat awk-weird since my wife drives the boat and she recently commented on how much I was worth dead.

I have connections in the Vietnamese community so if you want to get your nails fixed let me know or dry cleaning of course.

Emmanuel.K.Bensah II said...

you have gotta give it to Elvira for keeping a diary like that. I think it speaks volumes of the danger that was looming...but honestly, to have a kid write down, and in effect, re-live problems (is n't that what diaries are for? This is why I never write down arguments I had with close ones in mine unless they prove to be absolutely cathartic...)-- in particular punishments.

That she chose to say "Can't Mom do better than this?" speaks volumes about the attention she was probably craving...

As regards Pie, she's a bit of a naughty one isn't she? Is she that curious to explore male genitalia at this age? Gosh!

Saur♥Kraut said...

Mr. Gator, I would be watching my wife out of one corner of my eye, and sleeping with a knife under the pillow. ;o) As for your water skiing, do you ever give lessons?

Emmanuel, Pie is nothing but trouble! Well, actually she's exceptionally sweet and well behaved. Unless she's not! Elvira did crave attention and control, I believe. I've often heard that kids really need rules. I think she wasn't getting enough attention. Julie was (and is) busier chasing men than paying attention to Elvira. I think she's prepared to change that now. I hope.