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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Death

I usually post light and airy things on the weekend. Please forgive the seriousness of this topic. If you don't wish to read any further, check back tomorrow. But this is a topic that will affect me directly this weekend, because someone I know is dying and will probably be dead by the end of it. What makes it worse, in a way, is that I dislike him intensely, though I haven't wished any ill on him.

I have 3 to 4 really close friends. I'll tell you about them another time. It's Ozma that I am worried about today. I call her Ozma because she is a Wiccan/Catholic with eclectic beliefs and a deeply spiritual side. She has a magically magnetic personality. Her ex-fiance is dying this weekend of a cancer that has taken him quickly. He is young, and it is startling. Ozma still loves him very much.

I have told her honestly that if anyone deserves to die in agony, it is this evil man. He molested her daughter, he cheated on her and got another woman pregnant, and left her. Then he continued to toy with her for years afterward, even though he was married. I never approved of him, but she was always torn somehow. For years she didn't believe the abuse allegations but I am certain of them. Even now, she secretly questions it (I believe).

Is Ozma still in love with him? I don't know if she ever was, although she thinks she was (and is). I think she is in love with what she thought he was: But he was a cardboard facade concealing the man whose soul was rotting before his body was.

Although she knows he's dying, she doesn't know that he was taken off life support two days ago by his wife (though her family knows this). We went to tell her last night, but she wasn't there. Today they will break the news to her and we'll all do our best to keep her surrounded at all times. I hurt for her, but do not mourn for him. I feel somewhat conflicted. All I will be able to do is be with her, and hope that it's enough.

15 comments:

Tabasamu said...

You know, I've seen this before. I had a relative die who was a drug dealer. He was shot by the police as he was reaching for his gun. The funeral was something else. There was the preacher, saying nice things about this thug for his family's sake, even though everyone knew that this was no loss.

mal said...

Saur, sometimes a death is a blessing for the living. Maybe she will be able to move on now

Saur♥Kraut said...

Mallory, funny, because that's what I told her! I wasn't being calloused. She knows I love her. In fact, her mom called me to warn me, because she knows that Ozma will call me before she'll call anyone else. But we have a truthful, loving friendship.

TC, Wow, that must've been quite a funeral!!!

michelle said...

I know that you have a good heart and will help your friend the best you can. I don't think you really need to say anything to comfort Ozma other than you are sorry she hurts. Of course you could add that now everything she has been through over the years will be put to rest and she can begin to heal. Unfortunately it sounds like this is what it has taken for Ozma to move forward in her life. You don't say if her daughter was at an age that she remembers what happened to her, if the daughter does remember then I hope Ozma remembers her during this time. I am certain that his death will have an affect on the daughter. Call me if you need to over the weekend.

Gunner said...

The hurt you feel for your friend is a good and pure feeling. The dislike you feel for the guy is also normal.
Never be conflicted over not liking someone or something that should not be liked. Everyone says you should try to find the good in people. I disagree. Some people are put on this earth to be an example to teach others what not to grow up to be.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Gunner, thank you! As often, we think alike and I am glad to hear you say something that I've often said and thought. It validates what I'm feeling right now, and I needed it.

Michelle, thanks for the phonecall, hon. You're right, she needs this to be able to move on. I think her daughter may need it to. It will heal her relationship with her mom, perhaps.

bananarama said...

I worry about the daughter blaming herself for this in some way. I hope she's old enough to be able to reason a lot of it out.

snicksnack said...

Good luck this weekend, Saur. He sounds like a sh*thead, and I'd be dancing on his grave.

ajay shroff said...

I hope Ozma gets over it soon and i really hope the hurt you feel passes soon too Saur.
Ajay

Tan Lucy Pez said...

You don't need to be conflicted, in my humble opinion. You didn't do anything to bring on his death.

I'm worried about the daughter. Her mother doesn't believe her? I have a BIG problem with that.

Jeff said...

My advice would be to be a silent and strong shoulder and keep your opinions to yourself. Baby rapin' fucking douche bag or not, not your place to bring it up now. If you can't say something nice...

As for her getting toyed with over the years while he was married away to someone else, that was HER fault. She let it happen. How's the saying go? Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice...

And on account of I have little better to do today, this reminds me of a story I'll share. My parents divorced when I was 13 because one sunny, summer afternoon a knock on the door revealed a side of my dad that, up to that point, was a well kept secret. The young and pretty faces on the other side of the door were my half-brother and his mom and imagine the surprise when the two women fgured out the score! (If only I were old enough to understand the drama laid out for my voyeuristic pleasure at the time!!) To cut a long story short, it turns out that she was one of dozens and my little half brother was one of dozens and dozens more. Needless to say, my mom had every reason to hate the guy and I believe strongly that it was so devastating to her that if the Pope himself were in her shoes, even he would have had to say, "DIE YOU UGLY, STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!!" followed by a whole slew of verbal degradation wicked enough to make even me proud on the inside. That was in 1988.
Fast foward a few years...
My mom had remarried and we lived in a different state. News just came out that the war had started and, him being our dad, we knew he was one of the first ones in. My mom was strong, but that night, I'll never forget coming around the corner in the house and, without her knowing I was there, seeing her sit quietly in the dark, with his picture in her lap and tears just flowing a steady stream down her face. I've been burned in marriage myself and I wish death on her everyday, but if it were to really happen, I reckon I'd be my mom on that lonely night so long ago. Deep inside, when we truly love, no matter what happens, something will just alwys be there that we can't understand or explain. That night, after I sat and silently watched her for a few minutes, I was the shoulder you should be to your friend tonight. There was no need to say anything and there was nothing she wanted to hear. All she wanted and needed was a shoulder to cry on. Hope that helps.

Until some other time...

actonbell said...

Wow. I don't blame you for not mourning him. He sounds like a sick con man, and though your friend will mourn, she and especially her daughter will be better off with him not around. I'm sorry to sound callous, but you're right: he doesn't deserve anything good. If he molested the daughter, he should've been in prison.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Yeah, what everybody else is saying is what I would say if I had been here earlier. Be the shoulder. That's all you can do.

The Lazy Iguana said...

There is no conflict. Your loyality is to your friend. Cancer dude sounds like someone the world will be better off without.

The conflict will be at the funeral, if you go. You will be there to support your friend, but there will be people saying how good the man was.

You will have to resist the urge to choke someone.

One thing I know 100% is this. IF I had a kid and someone molested him/her, I would be at the funeral - and I would use the coffin as a toilet. Nothing says "I have no respect for this person" more than corpse desecration.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Death or the thought of it can indeed wreck havoc on our emotions.

All good thoughts are with you.

Today is one month since my father died. My life has been in a kind of slow motion.