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Saturday, August 20, 2005

Chinese Fortune Cookie Sayings


I love Chinese fortune cookies. Sure, you can buy them by the box but they lose their mysterious appeal then. I've had everything from the truly banal ("You like the color blue") to the truly weird ("He is over there right now, go to him") to the analytical ("It is not wise to throw stones at tigers") to the mysteriously prophetic ("Blue eyes are about to change the course of your life").

I had a friend that used to make everyone read their fortunes outloud, and then add the words "in bed" to the end of each fortune. It made for entertaining reading, if you didn't have a repressive grandmother nearby, scowling at you.

Another friend thinks that if it's authentic, every fortune cookie should begin "He who..." I disagree. Fortune cookies are a potpourri of one sentence sayings, and I won't be boxed in by that rule.

I am convinced we could write better fortunes for these clowns. Give it your best shot! Oh, and if you need a little inspiration, here are some great fortune cookie sites: Bad Cookie which has nothing but evil fortune cookie sayings, Fortune Cookie has random fortunes, and this site allows you to choose which fortune cookie you want. But don't read these first if you think you'll be easily influenced! Get creative on me!

19 comments:

mal said...

" You will soon miss your Kitty"

Fred said...

LOL on those links.

I've been sitting here and trying to come up with something, but nothing so far. I'll stop by when the "ah-ha" moment strikes.

Senor Caiman said...

"You will meet a Hooter's girl who loves cooking, giving nightly back rubs, doing laundry, cooking, has wealthy parents and enjoys wild sex." Wait a minute, I just described my wife.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"Bandinage isn't what you need to cover the wound."

Saur♥Kraut said...

If you want your child to listen to you, speak in a mysterious whisper.

If you don't wish your child to listen to you, call his or her name out first. This will ensure a lack of attention.

Tabasamu said...

Be as subtle as a gecko, but avoid licking your eyeball.

Jeff said...

"Mr. Gator is a lucky fuck!"

It's a title of a Lenny Bruce album but I think it will work...
"To is a preposition, Come is a verb"

"A tear will ruin a reflection in water but a smile provides clarity"
I just made that one up but it somehow seems poetic to me in my own reflection.

"A puppy now cries, 'have you seen my mother?'"
That would be pretty funny!

For the poker fans, my personal motto...
"As a flush beats out a pair, willing beats out good looking any day."

This would be scary...
"Big Brother is watching..."

"Two mean words are more powerful than a million kind ones"

From the movie Pure Country...
"Funny thing about the white spot on top of chicken shit...It's chicken shit too."

And for all of us because I could easily do this all day...
"Don't forget to type into your own blog as you waste your entire day typing in someone else's"

Until later...

michelle said...

Hey Saurkraut, you can say the same thing about hubby's as you said about kids. HA HA HA

Senor Caiman said...

TC and Jeff,

I've always credited my good fortune with the fact that I can touch the end of my nose with my tongue.

Tabasamu said...

Mr. Gator, *LOL* Then your wife isn't the only catch!

-TC

A Little Bar of Soap said...

More New Age filth!

The Lazy Iguana said...

"Man who goes to sleep with itchy balls wakes up with sticky fingers"

"Large storm will cause you to make a home buying decision"

"When inside a large birdcage, do not look up with your mouth open"

"When at the zoo, if you see a monkey poop in his hand, RUN!"

Fred said...

"You will have a dearth of ideas today."

actonbell said...

You will find pleasure and excitement tonight.
Thanks for the links--must check them out:)

Jamie Dawn said...

We ate at a Chinese Restaurant recently that had the lamest fortunes. They weren't really fortunes at all.
They were just stupid statements like "You are kind." or "You are intelligent." What a disappointment!
I kept a fortune that I got in my cookie YEARS ago when I was 8 months pregnant with Courtney. It simply said:
"Something wonderful will happen next month."
It sure did! I've got that in her baby book.

Bill R said...

This is a true cookie fortune I have kept pasted in my office notebook:

"He would would soar like an eagle must first waddle like a duck."

It IS rather inspirational, don't you think?

Senor Caiman said...

Bill,

It's good to know that the Chinese people have as much trouble with English grammar as I do.

I have to admit I had to read it a few times. Deep stuff.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

You will be wiser than others. Because you are wise, you will not share this information.

ts said...

"You are skeptical and dismissive."