The Weirdest Marriage Proposal

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm going to share one of the weirdest marriage proposals I've ever received.

When I was in my early 20s (in the 1990s) I worked for a major national corporation and part of my job duties required regularly flying to Miami. Sometimes I stayed overnight and once I even stayed there an entire month, living in one of the corporate condos on the beach. Yeah, yeah, it was a rough life. I was married at the time, however, and disliked the lengthy separations.

Anyway, one day I was at corporate headquarters in downtown Miami, and popped out for lunch. There was a very nice little 'food court' area nearby, it was a beautiful sunny day, and it was within easy walking distance.

A business man was standing on the teaming sidewalk. He was very expensively dressed and had an air of lese majeste about him. He looked like Julio Iglesias' twin. (Perhaps he was Julio, I don't know. I've never been a fan of arrogant, sun-fried men). Our eyes met, and he looked as if he'd been smacked upside the head by Magilla Gorilla.

I smiled pleasantly and nodded as I passed, and he fell into step with me. I don't remember how he struck up the conversation, but I think he began by asking directions somewhere. Not being from Miami, I couldn't help him at all, and told him so.

He had a very thick hispanic accent; the kind that makes some women swoon. "Where are you goink?" he asked, keeping pace with me.

"I'm heading for lunch," I said, still pleasant. Being younger then, I wasn't as adept at shaking someone off as I am now. I was still in a stage where being mannerly and friendly was of much greater importance than it is now.

"Why don' I join you?" he asked, smoothly.

"Um, OK," I said cautiously. I knew I was going to be eating in a very public place. "I'm married," I added, hastily.

"Oh zat ees of no matter," he said, smiling a toothy grin. "Eet ees only lunch." Which, I told myself, was entirely true. My husband ate lunch with female friends, I had lunch with guy friends, what was the big deal?

We had a nice, casual lunch in the middle of a vast food court, open to a sunny sky. We chatted about this and that. I never quite got what he was in Miami for (could've been drug running, for all I know). When we were done eating, I politely excused myself.

"Oh, let me walk you back," he offered.

"Please don't trouble yourself," I said with forced gaiety.

"Oh no, no. But I in-seest!" he said, gallantly. So, we traipsed back to my office. Just before we reached the office, he gently took my arm and pulled me over to a bench, asking me to sit down.

"I want to tell you somesink," he announced, solemnly. "I want you to marry me and haf my babiez."

RAR?

"Well, heh heh, that's kind of hard to do, seeing as I'm already married," said smooth-tongued Saur, nervously.

"Ah but zat ees not a problem," he said.

"Er, well, it is for me, though..." I answered wittily, looking desperately about for someone I knew who could extricate me from this.

"Ah well, why don' you zink about eet and let me know?" he suggested, handing me his card. I hastily jumped up, relieved at being let off so lightly, and thanked him politely for the proposal just as I'd thank old Mrs. O'Hara for a plate of homemade cookies.

I bolted for the corporate offices and threw the business card in the first trashcan I could find. I couldn't get rid of it fast enough. Of course for the rest of the day, I had to regale all my colleagues with a re-enactment of that awkward moment and for months evereebodee talked like zees...

So here is my advice to you today: If you're planning on proposing to your honey this Valentine's Day, make sure you've known her for at least 24 hours, first. And don't use a cheesy accent.