Letter to the Woman in the Black Hummer

Dearest Madam;

You are far greater than we are, and we humbly acknowlege it. We are amazed that you can daily spend more in gasoline than some third world countries spend yearly in national defense. You prove your superiority as you sashay through the highways in a vehicle bigger than most UPS trucks, with a paint job that would shame Ferrari. It glows in an almost surreal way, as ethereal and as costly as the Space Shuttle.

We do wonder (when we dare rise above ourselves to do so) why you chose a vehicle named after a sex act. Of course, what can we say about it? Some of us drive Volvos and Probes. Still, those who do paid significantly less for that humiliation.

“Let them eat cake!” said Marie Antoinette scornfully about the peasants that were beneath her. Perhaps you might say “Let them eat rubber!”, instead. We are mere roadbumps in your path. We drive sedans because we truly need the room occasionally. Yet you could house an entire football team, but there is never anyone else in your Hummer besides your glorious self. This display of excess shows us the massive amount of disposable income you have at hand. You probably dine on Beluga caviar every night, and bathe in Dom Perignon.

Of course you drive up the price of gasoline with your unnecessary consumption of fuel. But who are we (mere peasants that we are) to question you about it? After all, you have the blessing of the Bush Administration and we; we have nothing but increased prices to pay at the pump. We consider it a worthwhile expense; a subsidy for our modern-day royalty. The working class needs rulers to worship.

But I am concerned for you. Some day you may cut the wrong person off in traffic, and begin the Glorious Revolution. Peasants have an alarming tendency to revolt. It can get quite costly when your paint job is repeatedly scarred and slashed by those who unfairly resent your exuberant display of wealth. Happily, if you catch them in time, you could easily run over both the insurgents and their vehicles. Nothing and no one can stand in your way. Vive le roi!

Between you and I, I agree that we are in danger every day of turning into a third world country with gun-toting gangs roaming the city, floods, meteors, and other acts of God. So, I understand that you are merely trying to be well-prepared. I hope your underground bunker is sturdily built and you haven’t forgotten to bulk up in supplies (in case of a nuclear holocaust).

If an EMP is dropped into our midst, it would render your Hummer instantly obsolete. However, if you’ve forgotten to build that bunker, you and your entire neighborhood will be able to live comfortably in your vehicle, instead. We’re glad to know you’re looking out for us.

With Much Love and Adoration,
Saur

c.2006