Fashion Guide to Choosing a Mate

This is Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. I had never heard of this couple before they announced their divorce. I wish they'd called before the marriage. I would have willingly counseled them to run like hell. Hello?

"One of these things is not like the other, can you tell me which thing does not belong?"

They look like characters from two different comic strips: Daphne from Scooby Doo meets Mutant Boy.

Other unlikely couples: Pee Wee Herman and Angelina Jolie, Roseanne Barr and Ben Afflack, David Duke and Tina Turner. Now these people had the sense to stay away from each other. What in the world were Travis and Shanna thinking?

At what point did Shanna not realize that Travis is an attention-seeker who's only solution is to look like an idiot? He could only look dumber if he were wearing a clown suit with a big red nose that honked when you squeezed it. This guy has the sex appeal of an unwashed street bum. He has a heart of gold? Great. Then he needs to stop sending mixed messages. This fashion statement says: loser!

And at what point did Travis not think that he might have a little more in common with a girl that doesn't look and dress like a Barbie doll?

Inquiring minds want to know.

FASHION GUIDE TO CHOOSING A MATE: each partner should have roughly equivalent tatoos, body piercings, and medications. Ex. If he has a death's head tat on his arm but you've got a large stripper tatoo in the small of your back, it's all good. Break this rule at your peril.

And girls, unless you're willing to share the vanity with him, pick a guy with lower maintenance hair. Of course Travis is single now, and he obviously uses Elmer's glue in his hair, so the fighting over the hairspray would be minimal.