I try to keep my personal life to a minimum in this blog. I don't usually get into any of my issues. After all, there's plenty fun and interesting stuff to talk about. But for the last couple of months, I have battled some personal sorrows and stressors and continue to take steps to solve certain problems that cause them. This is the time when you truly need friends.
But one of my close friends (let's call her Trixie) has a serious problem. When I need her the most, she's descending into sexual addiction once more. As the joke goes, she's like a doorknob: Everyone's had a turn.
I've known Trixie for years. I had really thought she was past this issue, although addictions can periodically raise their ugly heads again. We all know that. But she's in her 40s now, and I had hoped that she had grown up and made some mature decisions to have a more sensible lifestyle.
When I first met her, she was in the throes of the addiction. Over the years she mellowed out, and I had felt she had successfully conquered it. But, as my grandmother used to say, the chickens always come home to roost. Her years of licentious living were all her children had seen as an example. Now the kids are full-grown and both have serious mental illnesses which are directly related to all the men that trooped in and out of their mother's life and her bed.
Now one of the kids is married, whoring around, and recently got an abortion, too. This is apparently what is driving Trixie back to her same old tricks (pardon the expression). So, I have lost Trixie. Her current solution to every problem is to go out and get laid by multiple men and she fails to understand why I don't share that view (or so she claims).
So far she's had 7-8 different sexual partners in 2 weeks alone. She tells me one may be Mr. Right, and I've told her (frankly) that if she continues this lifestyle, she'll never give him the opportunity to prove that. I've also spoken with her about the dangers of this addiction, both physically and mentally, but it all falls on deaf ears. She suddenly thinks I'm being square.
The most frustrating thing is that I can do nothing but decrease my interraction with her right now, and hope for the best. The problem is that I'm pretty busy taking care of myself these days, and this is yet another burden for me at a time when I would prefer to have no other complications. Another friend has thought of a potential solution, however, and it's a type of intervention. I will pursue it, and, if I'm successful I will share it with you.
P.S. Please take the time to participate in the poll at the right. And have as happy a Monday as you can manage! ;o)
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18 comments:
Your friend is obviously searching for something...
but like you said, you are trying to take care of yourself right now.
this must be difficult for you to know that you can't do anything about her awful choices.
maybe she will find what she is searching for, but i doubt she will find it on her back.
there are some things that need fixing that we are not capable of fixing. That list includes dam breaks, Hurricanes, earthquakes and nihlilistic friends. She has to decide she has a problem before anyone can help her.
I think you are wise to keep you distance
THe obvious self-esteem issue here is incredible. Unfortunately she should have goten help years ago, since her problem has been passed onto her children in a different form. WHere is her family in all this? THis type of addiction can certainly lead to death by illness or the hand of someone else. I pray that you find a way to help her. I know that you say you are going through some stuff on your own, all you can do is try to reach out to her once again and hope for the best.
Until a person recognizes they have a problem there is very little you can do.
I'm beginning to like the new look with the blue mask.
Now you look like a superhero in the BLA (the Blogger League of America) that I've been planning to form for awhile....
Well, I posted a comment earlier, at least I thought I did. #$%^%^$!
Although I doubt I can match the original in insightfulness, content or wisdom... I shall endeavor.
Unfortunately, it sounds as though Trixie isn't really looking for Mr. Right, but rather Mr. Right Now. If she hasn't figured it out already, she will soon realize they don't often come dressed in the same clothes (or undresssed, as it were).
As I'm sure you are aware, there is nothing you can do for her until she asks for help. Although I am not absolutelty sure of much anymore, of this I am my dear Saur: When she does, I have no doubt who will be there to reach back. Until then, the best you can do is to protect yourself by staying out of the cross-fire.
~Mike
SHRINK!
from personal experience, the ones that usually needed the most therapy, are usually the last ones to get it. I'm sorry I forgot therapy is a bad word.
Well I used to know a girl like that back in high school. She did change but it took a severe scare to do it. Evidently, a male in the neighboring county has slept with this girl and was diagnosed with aids a couple years later. Suddenly, half the high school was absent as they visited the county health nurse to get blood tests the next day. For the rest on my high school career, everyone and in particular that girl were very prudish when it came to sex. Thankfully I didn't have to worry.
Saur,
I'm not going to give my answer...you already know what it is.
As with any addiction, there isn't a lot you can do unless they want it and ask for it. No one can fault you for taking care of yourself first. If you don't, then in the end you won't be able to help anyone.
Good grief, she is one selfish person with a serious self-esteem problem. What ever makes her think she'll find the answer in all those men she's dragged home. And to boot, she's destroyed her children in the process.... what a loser if she can't quit thinking with the *wrong head*.
Sorry, I know she's your friend, and I am out of place to make judgement... but actions do speak louder than words, and it looks like she's paying attention to neither in this case.
Good luck to you. It is never easy to convince a person of their addictions unless THEY acknowledge them first.
YOW. These types of situations are hard. I just watched Memoirs of a Geisha and I thought it strange how even a prostitutes virginity could be worth a fortune. There are some things our culture doesn't value as sacred and that is in the bedroom. We lack self-control in America as a whole and instead of taking responsibility for our actions, we would rather drown them in the very thing that is killing us. Wasn't it Paul who said "the very thing I hate the most is the thing that I do."?
We all struggle with our own share of sins, however, some are more damaging than others. The thing with Trixie is that it seems she doesn't value herself enough and so she finds self worth in the arms of men. Or maybe she just really enjoys a roll in the hay. Shoot, these days I am vexed when it comes to figuring people out.
sometimes all you can do is pray.
That is really sad!
Distance is good as long as she knows that you, as a friend, have told her how you really feel. If she is in denial, then with any further closeness you'd be spinning your wheels anyway.
I believe that the female dynamic is to give sex for love and men to give love for sex. (something like that..) Im no PhD but the issue of self-worth needs/needed to be addressed otherwise she could honestly end up killing herself with this and possibly passing it on to others.
It is social taboo to talk about this kind of addiction, and I am SOO glad you are posting this. It REALLY needs more attention.
All you can do is pray for her and hope she doesn't end up with aids after sleeping around so much.
Green, true enough.
Emma, I think you're right, this is one addiction that isn't spoken of much, in part because it's a psychological addiction. But there are some drugs that are also psychologically addictive (like pot) even if they're not physically addictive, but we hear ad campaigns against pot but not against sexual addiction.
Lee Ann, so very sad.
Eddo, instead of taking responsibility for our actions, we would rather drown them in the very thing that is killing us. Beautifully said and entirely true. Very perceptive contribution, thank you.
Ellen, I agree with you, and I thought she'd seen it through her children and her children's behavior. Despite what I've told her of what they've told ME, she's still in denial. I almost want to say "Can't you hear? Can't you see?" but her addiction drowns it out.
Heather, I agree.
Michelle, and I'll bet you know who I'm speaking of...
Ed, I'm hoping to build on the scare factor to scare her straight. I'm still working out the details, and considering it, though.
Rev, I agree! I wish I could get her to see that she needs one.
Mike, I agree. I just hope that it won't be too late, and I hope she sobers up soon. It's getting to a point that I can't bear to even speak with her.
Uncle Joe, I think I like the blue one better than the black, myself. So what am I...SuperSaur?
Reverberate, If it's neutral, I guess there isn't much of a way to vote! ;o) But so noted!
Mike, so very true.
OK Slick, I didn't realize that's what you did! You're right, it screws up everyone and is ultimately very selfish.
TSB, It IS self esteem. But she hides it from her family, they have NO earthly idea. And they all suffer from manic depression so the smart ones are on meds, but in her case she's self-medicating.
Mallory, you're right, I see no other option but distance.
Mindless D, it IS more than I can handle right now. I'm close to maxed out on stress, I can't handle anyone else's issues at this time.
Auntie Jo, you're right, that is exactly where the solution isn't... on her back. Well said. She is trying so hard to distract herself from the tough job of self-examination.
I had a friend who went wild and crazy like that for a few years in her early twenties, she certainly had me worried she had a problem. Lucky for my friend, she finally calmed down and is now married and has behaved quite nicely for some time now. Unfortunately for you, there is not a whole lot you can do for your friend is she doesnt want to change. Its like any other addiction, she has to want the change and help. I see nothing wrong with distancing yourself from her while you are in your own heap of stress. I have had to do the same with certain friends of mine over the last few years. I have enough of my own life to fix without babysitting my friends. Good luck with it all tho.
Trust me, sexual addiction is a real addiction: you really cant stop, and no, it isnt just fun.
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