I guess to thoroughly understand this particular post, you need to thoroughly understand me. Which is highly unlikely in this format, sadly. But most of you have a pretty good picture by now. For those of you who don't, a quick picture: 30something, been in many relationships, has a child, very active, bores easily. Know me, know my flaws: but I'll leave you guessing here. ;o)
When I was impossibly young (18) and married for the first (and only) time I used to believe we would grow old together. However, this doesn't mean that I ever thought he was Mr. Right. Irregardless, it lasted 12 years and I was thrust into the dating world.
At first, I enjoyed dating almost every guy who asked me out (NOTE: That is date - not sleep with. Some people don't understand that you can do one and not the other). This meant that I had a ton of dates and I had a ball! But it took it's toll. There were times that I fell asleep at my keyboard at work! So I cut back somewhat. However, over the years I can say that I've seen a pretty good representation of the male of the species. It ain't pretty.
It's been many years since I was divorced. At first, I was anxious to get married and settle down again, because I was so afraid of being on my own. Now, I have almost the opposite fear: I don't wish to be dependant on anyone else unless he is truly dependable. And there aren't many men that are truly dependable. They don't make 'em like Dad, anymore. Well, at least not many of them are (I'll make some exceptions here, because Eddo comes to mind).
No, this isn't a lonely hearts call - far from it. I don't need any additional complications! But you see, I remain in a constant questioning state: Is the current guy Mr. Right, or just Mr. Right Now?
Some people say that there are many options out there, and that there is no Mr. Right, just an assortment of Mr. Betters or Mr. Worses.
Over the years I've heard different 'measurements' that would prove if someone was Mr. or Ms. Right. Are you with Mr. or Ms. Right? How did you know that he or she was The One? And are you being completely truthful with yourself (and me) or simply justifying your choice? Or do you think that he/she is simply one of many conceivable matches?
Is it right to expect that your Chosen One should connect to you on all levels? How little should someone settle for?
Talk to me!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
24 comments:
connect on all levels? I am not sure that is desireable or even necessary. What is Mr or Mrs Right? I very NOT sure on that too.
Being in the "family way" pushed us over the top to get married. Many of the O.H.'s family predicted it would not last. Some of my family felt the same way. All of them thought our backgrounds were too different. 24 years later, we are still here.
Why? I puzzle over this from time to time and I think two aspects are key to our surviving thus far. First, we were friends long before we were lovers and understood each other as friends. The other? Because of our very different backgrounds driving our economics, we both have had to abandon some or swap the traditional male/female roles in the family.
I am thinking this has forced us to think rather than react to many of the normal pressures of a marriage.
Neither of us take the relationship for granted and do not assume it will be there tomorrow. We both tend to nurture it because of that.
My wordy 2 cents worth
Mallory, thank you.
I have been married for 25 years, and we connect on many levels, but not on all of them. I have learned that when I accept my husband for who he is, and not for what I want him to be, I am much more peaceful.
Just my two cents.
Barbara, thank you. If you get a chance, would you let me know what levels you connect on and if they're the most important ones to you? I know you're busy right now, so don't feel obligated...
Jef, I like your practically paragraph. That is actually very helpful. As for feeling like I couldn't live without him, I've often felt like that in past relationships too, and yet I always went on to something better...?
You know, some people are with their partners---yet they are STILL lonely! It's sad...people are afraid of being "alone", .....and the truth is, wouldn't you be more afraid to be with someone who isn't right for you?
This is a great post--- very thought provoking.
Deb, ahhh yes. The 'alone' vs. 'with someone' choice. Not a pretty choice, sometimes. I am now relatively comfortable with the concept of being alone, but I would prefer the Perfect Soulmate, of course (as would most of us, I'm sure). The real question is: What is the Perfect Soulmate?
Make a list of what you want and what you don't want. From the list of what you want write down what is a must. From the list of what you don't want write what you will not accept. By now you probably have a fairly realistic list of expectations. Don't settle for less. You can hope for more, but don't expect it.
Michelle, you are my ever pragmatic and wise friend. Maybe we should hash it out over the weekend a little...?
FTS, me too! *g* I did the list, and found it didn't really help much. Plus, the list changed every couple of years or so.
Storm, Maybe that's the key: when it's the Right One, you exist in peace without dissecting the relationship. Of course, I examine EVERYthing.
I had a list. It worked for me. I guess the trick for me was I only had a handfull of things on the entire list...
1. Cannot do drugs, including marijuana.
2. Cannot drink excessively. I have a couple if we go out and buy a bottle of wine on occassion. He can't drink more than I do.
3. Must have a job history. Can't have worked a different job for every year he is born.
4. Must have lived on his own. Not with 5 other guys.
You get it right?
Michelle,
Oh yeah. That's where I went wrong with fiance #3. He was still living with his parents and he was in his early thirties. Unless he'd been living with a woman. Duh, me.
Job history: good point.
I definately agree with your whole list.
I think it would be a lot to expect to connect with someone on all levels. I think we all have different levels of importance. If you can connect with someone on your most important levels that is the most important thing. I think it is unrealistic if we expect to not settle with some aspects.
Lee Ann, yes, I think you're right. What are YOUR most important levels?
A few months before I started dating my husband I was daing this guy that I was getting along with and having a good time. I only dated him for three months. Within two month I knew I he was clueless about what he wanted as far as family life goes. I quickly said BYE BYE.
When I was dating my husband it was obvious we needed to "talk". I was almost 30 so I said what I had to say. I want marriage and kids and I am too old to date for years. So, if you are serious, I am serious. If you aren't serious, don't know, or even just say maybe then tell me now I need to move on.
Sometimes you just need to lay it on the line and mean it. Be prepared to follow through. It may mean walking away.
You know what's weird? Hardly any of the standard guys are weighing in on this topic. Does it scare them away?
As for me, I can't dish any advice, because I haven't had any success.
Well I will weigh in, but I'm not totally sure what kind of advice to give. I have been in love with and faithful to the same woman for 58 years this week. I am not sure what criteria she used for MR. Right. It sure in heck wasn't "the perfect man". I had been a Mormon missionary for three years. Mormon missionaries who do their job are at "handshake" lever with women so when I came home, I was most confused, and I found that almost all women seemed like Ms.Right for awhile. I came to a conclusion that I was ready for marriage (of course I was, I was an undergraduate Junior with a major in Theatre, If that doesn't indicate stability what does?)
I kept meeting girls that were great dates, but I couldn't visualize a long term relationship with them. I did a little like Michele, but not so specific, I just sorted through all the girls I had been dating and came to a conclusion (with some prayer- sorry Polanco)that I would look for the woman who would make the best wife and partner, who thought independently but not enough to put me down all the time, and who would be a wonderfl mother. I picked one, concentrated on getting to know her at all levels I could, and fell in love. I told her about this three or four years later and she threw something at me. "For heaven's sake you make it sound like you were buying a cow" she said, so I haven't mentioned it to her since. I don't want to imply that everything has always been peachy keen. We had one rebellious child that we disagreed about so strongly that we had several months of "almost stranger" behavior, but if you listen to each other, don't ever think that you are going to change the other (The one you marry is going to be the same person for an infintely long tIme) and make a real effort to cooperate as well as communicate (Listening to each other means listening to find out what the other has to say, not listening so that you can think of your next "zinger".) For me it worked (I think it worked for her too, we were married on Nov. 13, 1958 (She used to tell people that is was the year Friday the thirteenth came on Thursday, so ...) Sorry to take so long.
I married my wife because she was very hot enjoyed wild sex and gave me great back rubs. We’ve been married for twenty years now and she still gives great back rubs when I give her $20.00.
If I were to get married again I would find someone hot, enjoyed wild sex, gave great back rubs, washed clothes and cooked.
My wife said if she had it to do over she would have married someone who liked to snuggle had a large member and wanted to use it once every 3 months.
The trouble we have now as a couple is that I continue to get better looking. I try to comfort my wife and tell her that just because younger women are staring at me with lust in their heart doesn’t mean that I’m interested
I don't think there is just one Mr. Right. What if your one and only Mr. Right got killed in a car accident when he was twelve? Are you now doomed to never find a mate that is "right" for you?
I think we fall madly in love and then we make a decision. Do I want to commit to this person for the rest of my life? It's a huge decision, because that will be the person you choose to have kids with.
Then, after marriage, hopefully both people stay committed and their love grows stronger over the years.
There is a security that comes from a strong marriage. You feel like someone's got your back and you've got his. I guess you hit the jackpot when you find someone who is just as committed to you as you are to him.
If you don't feel a deep level of trust and care, then it is probably not the best match.
I've never seen a perfect relationship though. I've never seen a perfect person either.
3 Score & 10, you appear to be a very wise man and a good catch. Your wife's reaction to your 'cow buying' was to be expected, but was funny nonetheless! Thank you very much for your input. It actually somewhat mirrors my parents' relationship as well.
Mr. Gator, thanx for the needed laugh. You're definately certifiable, but that's why we love you.
Jamie Dawn, those are my thoughts on Mr. Right as well: I have the suspicion that there are differnt Mr. Rights that you can choose from, just as there are a variety of Mr. Wrongs. Or perhaps, there are different Mr. Rights that you can encounter at different stages in your life?
I agree with the trust factor. That is the thing that must happen. And that may be where I am stuck for the moment...
i don't have as much experience as most here, but it's the blogosphere so i'll chip in: i think mr or ms right is someone who honestly loves you.
what i appreciate most about my wife is that she honestly responds to my love. i think a guy needs to take the lead in demonstrating love, but that a woman needs to love him for it.
Abolutely not, You do not, nor should you connect on all levels. Part of a realtionship is to have different wants and desires, to recognize they exist, then encourage your partner to pursue them.
People who connect on every level spend too much time with each other and have a better chance of breaking apart.
TS, thank you so much. What an interesting thing to say: no one else said that, and you know; it makes sense! I don't think it's the sole thing to look for, but I think you have an excellent point! Thank you.
Fred, you know, I've heard some people say that. But in the past relationships that I've had, if we had seperate interests that took us apart frequently, it usually fell apart. I need a partner I'm intensely interested in. Still, I see how your formula could work for some couples because I've seen it done!
Lists of qualities you like never seem to work. Just date, and if he's compatible, he's compatible. If not, move on.
Been married for awhile now and we get along. We work as a team. Each of us has our roles and we play them.
Post a Comment