The Lazy Iguana & ...

First, let me highly recommend the Lazy Iguana's recent trilogy. It's a lot of reading to do, but he makes excellent points.

I would like to caution you: try to avoid the instant knee-jerk reaction you may have when he lays society's ills at the doorstep of capitalism. I went to business college and I really frowned at that part, but as a Christian I must admit he's entirely correct! "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil..." - I Tim. 6:10 . We grew up in a society where God and country are seen as almost intertwined. However, we must remember that they aren't. And country doesn't equal capitalism, either. And no, Lazy Iguana isn't a commie. He's just honest.

My Ex / My Past

I don't blog much about my ex because (frankly) I don't think much about him. As The Other Half says, if you don't like someone or something, don't let them take up rentspace in your head!

And I can't really say I dislike him. More than anything else, I just feel sorry for him. But I avoid him because I know that he can be poisonous. It's kind of like the sad, lonely poison dart frog in the cage. Maybe he needs to be cuddled too! But I'm not the one volunteering to do it.

I won't vomit up the whole distasteful saga of my ex and I. It's not worth your time or mine. But the final upshot is that after many years of divorce, he still obsesses about me. And no, it's not flattering. He's married to a woman that I've grown to like. I wish he would just pour more of his energies into being a good husband and father.

However, the other day he went on an obsessive rant about me once again. My son (SaurKid) tells me this happens periodically. This time, he did a search on the web and came up with all sorts of things on the web about me, and then attempted to use them to discredit me with SaurKid (basically he thinks SaurKid worships me too much and that he needs to have a reality check).

He told SaurKid not to tell me and SaurKid (to his credit) told me immediately. You see, we have a rule that there are no secrets between the households unless it's a petty one (like "Mom shaves only up to her knees but doesn't want anyone to know" Er... not that I do).

The ex was pointing to different web pages and trying to argue with my son about whatever was said. Every time the ex found something new, he'd call SaurKid over to tear it apart.

So, I called my ex and asked him if there was anything he wanted to ask me. "Uh no, why do you ask?" he said. "Because SaurKid tells me that you're trying to find any and everything you can about me on the web, and that you're attempting to belittle me with the info you've found," I said in a calm voice.

Hoo boy. That's all it took and he unleashed. Yup, here he was trying his best to teach our son core values and hard work, and SaurKid (supposedly) sees a mom who's just lucked into success. He wanted to make sure that SaurKid understood that not everyone had it so easy, or took shortcuts!

Oh brother. What I didn't bother arguing with him about (but I will tell you) is that there were many years of famine before the feast. The divorce was a bitter one. He closed the bank accounts and credit cards and then filed for divorce. I was destitute and couldn't even afford an attorney. So, he got everything and anything he wanted. Then he married my best friend that he'd been having an affair with.

Because we both had come from Christian Fundamentalist backgrounds, and I was too proud to argue much for my good name, he successfully smeared me in the eyes of many fundies. In fact, many of them believed that he hadn't had an affair with my best friend and they'd just happened to get married a short time after the divorce!

SaurKid went to a fundie Christian school, and years later I found notes from my ex in the records, instructing them that he was never to be released to me because I was a floozy, and he provided a picture illustrating his claim (I was *gasp* wearing a t-shirt that was knotted in the front and showed my belly button). I never followed up on that with the school because I felt that I was above it and by then it was water over the dam.

I was rejected by the only community I'd ever known. But it was a good thing, because it forced me to truly re-examine what I'd been blindly living. I discovered that legalism is just as vile now as when the Pharisees and Saducees existed.

Meanwhile, I was struggling to make ends meet, living in a one bedroom apartment in a poor area of town, and often literally wondering where my next meal would come from while my ex and his wife took my son on jaunts to Disney World, trips to the Grand Canyan and other wonderful places. I would swallow hard and be excited for my child and do my best to never show him my burdens.

I was too proud to borrow or beg for money, but I worked hard and struggled for at least 3 years before I hit it "big". And my ex, who never has been able to hold down a job for long, hasn't had one in years. So have we each earned our just rewards? I'd like to think so.

But I don't wish my ex any ill and I never will. I hope his life and marriage continues to improve. Because I came to realize long ago that it does me no good to wish ill on others, and it won't be any good for SaurKid, either.