Conversation At Dinner
Family sits down to dinner. Dishes are passed about and a little small talk is exchanged. Everyone helps themselves to bratwurst, spaetzle, and salad and settles in. Kid starts smacking loudly, chewing with mouth open.
Dad (to kid): Stop chewing with your mouth open! That is nasty! How many times do we have to tell you?
Kid: looks sheepish. Begins to chew dramatically with mouth closed in an effort to impress everyone with his attempt. Dad begins coughing behind a napkin, trying to control it.
Mom (to Dad): You're sick again? What color phlegm are you coughing up?
Dad (grimacing): Must you? Between you and the kid, I'll never have an appetite again. I feel like I'm on Fear Factor. What is this really... (peering suspiciously at the bratwurst)... horse penis?
Family breaks into laughter. Mom assures him it's bratwurst.
Dad (to kid): You just pulled your chair up to the table again. Don't do that more than once; when you sit down the first time. Now you've put your greasy hands all over the new upholstery. And you never know what's under a seat when you're in a restaurant; boogers, chewing gum...
Kid: (now concerned) And what if that happens? What am I supposed to do?
Dad: (friendly sarcasm) Whaddya mean, what are you supposed to do? Save it for dessert! Then you can help yourself to whatever's under every chair, for all I care.
Mom (to kid): Put your napkin in your lap, dear. You are not a Hottentot.
Family eats in silence for a short while.
Mom (to kid): Try the spaetzle, hon. It's very good. I know you'll like it!
Kid: Ohhh, I'm sooo full, I couldn't. May I be excused?
Dad: No! You've barely eaten a thing. You've only had a couple bites of salad, and you've hardly touched your horse penis!
Remainder of family dinnertime deteriorates rapidly.