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Friday, January 27, 2006

Conversation At Dinner

Family sits down to dinner. Dishes are passed about and a little small talk is exchanged. Everyone helps themselves to bratwurst, spaetzle, and salad and settles in. Kid starts smacking loudly, chewing with mouth open.

Dad (to kid): Stop chewing with your mouth open! That is nasty! How many times do we have to tell you?
Kid: looks sheepish. Begins to chew dramatically with mouth closed in an effort to impress everyone with his attempt. Dad begins coughing behind a napkin, trying to control it.
Mom (to Dad): You're sick again? What color phlegm are you coughing up?
Dad (grimacing): Must you? Between you and the kid, I'll never have an appetite again. I feel like I'm on Fear Factor. What is this really... (peering suspiciously at the bratwurst)... horse penis?

Family breaks into laughter. Mom assures him it's bratwurst.

Dad (to kid): You just pulled your chair up to the table again. Don't do that more than once; when you sit down the first time. Now you've put your greasy hands all over the new upholstery. And you never know what's under a seat when you're in a restaurant; boogers, chewing gum...
Kid: (now concerned) And what if that happens? What am I supposed to do?
Dad: (friendly sarcasm) Whaddya mean, what are you supposed to do? Save it for dessert! Then you can help yourself to whatever's under every chair, for all I care.
Mom (to kid): Put your napkin in your lap, dear. You are not a Hottentot.

Family eats in silence for a short while.

Mom (to kid): Try the spaetzle, hon. It's very good. I know you'll like it!
Kid: Ohhh, I'm sooo full, I couldn't. May I be excused?
Dad: No! You've barely eaten a thing. You've only had a couple bites of salad, and you've hardly touched your horse penis!

Remainder of family dinnertime deteriorates rapidly.

28 comments:

Bryan said...

An actual dinner at your house?
If it's fiction you've got a fertile imagination. :D

Saur♥Kraut said...

Bryan, an actual dinner. Only in my family do we have such weird exchanges... truth is stranger than fiction. ;o)

Paul said...

I'm not touching that one...!

Mr. Althouse said...

Ah ,yes! Nothing like a good ole fashion, sit-down family dinner. Brings back memories (sniff). What's a Hottentot?

Mike

Ed Abbey said...

I haven't had spaetzle in such a long time. Nobody around here knows what it is and the only reason I ate it at all where I used to live was because there was an authentic German restaurant nearby.

I do eat horse penis (i.e. bratworst) and kraut fairly often though. Good old Franks in a can.

Nerdine said...

Got a good laugh from this one.
You have on weird family..
I wouldn't have touched the horse penis.. but then I am a vegetarian... ;)

dddragon said...

Sounds a bit like mine, except I would be in BIG trouble for saying the word "penis". My daughter Goa'uld is known for her - ah, modesty? prudishiness? - and the other kids in her class refer to things as "Goa'uld Rated" or not.

I'm the one who is most likely to start a food fight.

michelle said...

My older boy child eats with his mouth open and as big bites as possible.

I started cutting his food into 2 year-old bite sized and telling the kids one piece of food on the for or spoon at once. This includes green beans and peas.

We have much better table manners.

Maybe next week they can have one meat bit on the fork, but 3 peas on the spoon at a time. I'll think about it.

Brianne said...

Intriguing!

Saur♥Kraut said...

Brianne, how diplomatic! :D

Michelle, the things we have to do!!!

Dddragon, Ah well, 'penis' is better than the euphemisms for it... I think... I thank Fear Factor for intimately acquainting us with the idea. Bleah.

Nerdine, yeah, we are all pretty weird. We're fun at parties, though!

Ed, oh there is a GREAT German deli nearby. They have everything.

Mike, Hottentot = wild savage. At least in our household.

Paul, perhaps a wise choice...

Stephanie said...

Oh that's just WAY too funny!

Notsocranky Yankee said...

Believe me, our dinner table conversations deteriorate rapidly also. There always seems to be some poop involved....

I can't believe that it's ME who has to take it down a notch...

Very funny...

p.s. I'm honored to be on "The Ladies" list!

Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

I love a good horse penis.

~Deb said...

What's a Hottentot? I'm surprised you didn't invite me over for dinner. We could have had great conversation about religion and politics over some good chianti.

Mike said...

Never tried horse penis. Now bubble gum under the chair is a different story.

Three Score and Ten or more said...

You can't fool me. Bratwurst is NOT another name for horse penis. Pepperoni is the real second name for horse penis. I've known that as long as I have lived, which makes me right since I have lived longer than the rest of you.
So there!!!!

Aunt Jo said...

This sounds like something that would happen in the Joe House! Wait....I don't want to talk about horse genitals, so nevermind.

What a laugh!!

Aunt Jo said...

BTW what is spaetzle??

Lee Ann said...

That is so funny....that is what is so great about family dinners!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

And also your cock-les and mussels, a live a live ho...

KristieD said...

Ps...added you to my link list too!

Tony Myles said...

I don't know if I've laughed at the combination of horse and penis before. As a fellow parent, thanks for the appropriate context. :)

Kathleen said...

You have outdone yourself. This is hilarious! I am not sure that I will ever be able to eat brats again, at least without laughing hysterically. Thanks for that. :o)

Badoozie said...

i hate eating. smacking. food wallering around in the mouth noises. must have dinner music. clanking on forks and spoons. eating is so redundant. eat, digest, poop. repeat. it takes time, it costs money. just think of it from start to finish. buying food, preparing, cost of dishsoap, cost of electricity to run dishwasher, cost of water to flush the toilet, cost of toilet paper, cost of mylanta for eating whatever that was you were eating. we should cut out the middle man.

this wasn't what i was going to say, but by the time i clicked on comment, the movements of the spaz kids in the room erased my brain and so i had to talk about something else. maybe i'll think of it later.

Fred said...

We're always going in such opposite directions that it's difficult to get eveyone together at the same time. But, if we did, it woud probably be just like this post.

Hale McKay said...

A very enjoyable of a meal time conversation - and funny too. Good job.

TSB said...

OMG. that sounds like my house, are you sure you weren't here for dinner?

The Zombieslayer said...

Your family is weirder than mine. ;)