RATS: Apocalypse Now!!!

I am close to hallucinatory, I've lost so much sleep. It started out so simply.

Saur's Diary Entries:

Dear Diary,

Day 1: I heard some squeaking in the walls. I think it's a mouse or maybe even a roof rat. What if it's been trapped in the wall? If I hear it again tomorrow, I'll try to rescue it and put it outdoors.

Day 7: They must be coming down the walls from the attic, because I hear them in a couple places now. I guess I'll have to consider exterminating them if they don't go away. What a shame. Rats and mice are so dang cute. I hope they leave quickly. I'm so busy I just don't have time for this.

Day 14: The chewing is getting more persistant, and I think they're getting into the kitchen from under the kickplates to get to the dogfood. No problem. They'll go back to where they nest at night (probably the attic) and we'll put traps up there. I wonder if I can find any 'friendly' traps. You know, the kind that don't kill the rats? Then I can let them go in nearby woods.

Day 15: "Let me try to catch them," offered my boyfriend, sympathetically. So tonight he lay in wait, sitting on the top of the kitchen counter with a laundry basket, waiting to drop it on the unsuspecting offenders. He didn't catch one, but he scared it so badly that it ran into the utility room. He chased it down, and closed the door so it couldn't get back into the kitchen. From the utility room, I heard a muffled scrabbling, and then he called out "Hey hon, how high can these things jump?"

"I dunno," I said. "But they're wild! Don't forget they bite, too!"

There was another scuffle and a scream. "I'd say they jump about 4 feet high," he eventually called back.

We left the rat to find its way back home. I hope it hasn't started nesting in my laundry.

Day 16: They are chewing everywhere in the kitchen walls at night. Thankfully, they'll stop when they hear me or the dogs. I've found out that there's no easy way to get rid of these things. Poison will cause them to die up there and stink, or wander down here searching for water. Poison gas will seep into the house, and I'll still end up with stinking rats. I'll hide the dogfood and start putting out traps that will snap their necks. I hate to do it, but I'm buying them today. I'm sad to think about their cute little faces, but they're still pests and I can't turn the house over to them.

Day 17: Good gravy!!! They've actually started chewing into the pantry from the ceiling!!! I went into the cupboard this morning and found little rat pellets and fine plaster dust everywhere. When I couldn't find the source, I looked up to see... 2 holes in my ceiling!!! And to make it even worse, I put out the traps and they snapped every single one of them and then ate the peanut butter out of them!!! How big are these things??? I'm getting bigger traps today.

Day 18: I now understand why they were able to snap the traps so easily and escape. What I have is a breed of mutant rats the size of guinea pigs!!! I was going by the kitchen last night, and glanced in there to see if the new traps I'd bought worked at all. And what do you know, I saw my first rat! Holy cow is it big! I'm talking radioactive-waste-big! It took one look at me and dove under the cupboard kickplate! I don't want to block up the kickplate, because I'm hoping that I'll catch them in the traps down here, when I can get them. That makes sense, doesn't it??? I'm not sure; since I've lost so much sleep, I can't think clearly anymore. The endless chewing keeps me up all night, and reverberates through my head.

Day 19: I bought a $50 trap which is supposed to electrocute them. That's fine, if they choose to go into the trap and get electrocuted. But so far, there are no volunteers. I've also put out glue traps, but they keep avoiding them. In fact, the only thing that's stumbled into the glue traps is my poodle. I'm afraid that with my lack of sleep, I may end up electrocuting myself one night when I get up for a glass of water. The warnings on the trap are rather dire. Perhaps I'll call the exterminators...

Day 22: I thought I'd scared them all away, I really had. Everything was so nice and silent, for two days. "I guess they know we're on to them," I said (somewhat boastfully). But today I was reaching for a towel in my linen cupboard and found it was covered with rat crap. They've chewed a hole into my linen closet!!! The old Halloween wig (which was always at the back) has been dragged down to the floor and desecrated. Perhaps they thought it was a high-priced rat whore. All I know is I can never again wear a wig that has had carnal knowlege with a rat. That's it! All the traps go down in the bathroom tonight. Even the dogs are afraid of them. They don't growl anymore...they just avoid any places the rats are.

Day 23: Silly me. I forgot that these are no ordinary rats. They are the friggin' Rats of Nimh, they're so damned smart. They laugh at my traps, and simply push them aside to get to what they want. That's right!!! They push the traps aside!!! I found the traps all moved around this morning, as if the rats were having a giant game of shuffleboard with them. Why the hell not? They can do anything else! I'll be lucky if they're not typing sonnets on my keyboard next!!!

Day 24: I woke at 5:30 AM to hearing the most god-awful chewing I've ever heard. The rats have gone and rented tiny rat chainsaws, I swear. I couldn't sleep, and ended up in the kitchen, banging on the walls and rattling the pans occasionally. Every time I walked away, the chainsaw would start up again!!! They're not scared of me anymore. I'm sure there are rat comedians who are using me in their stand-up routines. I think they're trying to chew open a bunch of entrances so I'll never be able to stop them. I'm sure they've got friggin' blueprints down there. The dogs are definately afraid of them, but they're more afraid of me since I locked them in the cabinets this morning to try to scare the rats away. I'm talking to myself a lot now, and I'm sore from pounding on the walls so much. I hope I didn't dislodge anything in my neck. Today I call the exterminators!!! This means war!!!

c. 2006

love sonnet
by rat

i luv all tipes an kinds of food
but cheddir puts me in the mood
an when i sawd that bootiful wig
i went an danced a little jig
but now im looking for the rite kinda girl
thatll make this poor rodents hart spin an wirl
so if yer intrigued just rite an say why
remember kats an dogs need not apply