Tuesday, January 17, 2006

He's Just Not That Into You

I've been reading He's Just Not That Into You (you can read excerpts here), and I can see why it's a New York Times bestseller. I recommend this book to every woman who is single out there, and perhaps there are some married ones that should read it, too.

Sure it's a bit simplistic, but it cuts through a lotta b.s.

Say what you will, guys, but there aren't many nice guys out there. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet all kinds of money on the fact that there are a heckuva lot more nice girls than guys. Which isn't really saying a whole lot, of course.

This book may be the wake-up call, or the jumpstart, or the push it takes to end the relationship that you needed to end a long time ago. If not, it makes entertaining reading! Because it's written by both a girl and a guy (who is very honest about the way guys think).

Examples of bad relationships abound among myself, my clients, and my friends:

1) A fiance who wouldn't tell his parents that he was engaged for 3 months because he was afraid they'd be offended that he was marrying a white girl.
2) A fiance who cheated on his fiancee, ended up marrying the girl he'd gotten pregnant, but kept stringing Girl #1 along.
3) A fiance that had hidden drug problems which, when they emerged, resulted in the breakup.
4) A husband who cheated constantly, was into S&M, and because she wasn't, he cheated on her repeatedly with Dominatrixes.
5) Husbands and Significant Others who cheated on their wives repeatedly.
6) A fiance who was always breaking up to get his way, and then begging to get back together.
7) Guys who were too neat, or too boring, or too finicky to last.
8) Verbal abusers.
9) Physical abusers.
10) Users and just plain losers.

Instead of making excuses, most of us need to help these guys pack up and leave, but we're too afraid of being alone or never finding anyone better. This book points out that sometimes being alone IS finding someone better.

I've bought copies for some of my girlfriends. I recommend that you do, too.


Anonymous said...

Men are complex beasts, they don't set out to be bastards, they are just wired up differently and don't always seem to realise the consequences of their actions.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Anon, that's a cop-out at best. Actually, men and women are pretty simple, as the book points out. If they don't like you, they waffle. If they do like you, they send the signal plain and clear.

If you're talking about how difficult it is to understand why a guy loves football, I'm with you. But the rest of it, no. After years of counseling, I can tell you that we'd love to give other people the excuses they need to make us feel better. I do it too. But is it honest? No.

Saur♥Kraut said...

BTW, this doesn't mean that I don't think there aren't gray areas. I do. But I think that in a genuinely loving relationship, each one tries to please the other, and do the right thing with minimal hurt to the other one.

Brianne said...

I've heard of this book, and have had it in the back of my mind for a while now. Am I right in recalling it was written by a producer (or the like) of Sex and The City? I always like shows/books like this that tell it like it is, and never appologize for it. Why make bad relationships so darn complicated, when in the back of your mind, you know it's not working out.

It really IS as easy as realizing a relationship is bad for you, and then doing something about it. The sooner you get out, maybe the sooner you'll find the right one.'

Thanks for the reccommendation - I'll have to get reading!

~Deb said...

Being that I have dated a few women---I have experienced such emotional trauma with some of these ‘females’---from cheating, lying, verbally abusive women, to the ones that break up with you---only to get back together for that intense ‘make up sex’. I have dated women with fear of abandonment issues that spread into our relationship, to women who were so insecure with themselves, that they would insult you—belittle you until you felt their pain.

I believe each person or ‘relationship’ is so complex—just like each individual. It’s hard to just generalize…just by going with gender----but I will tell you, it’s rough out there being a lesbian if you’re single as well. There are good men out there—believe me---and this coming from a lesbian!

Great thought provoking post!

Ellen said...

I saw an interview with the couple who wrote the book, and they were fascinating to say the least. They pulled no punches with audience questions, and told it like it was. Funny thing is, most of it is common sense if you can look past your feelings.... forest through the trees, so to speak.

mckay said...

i read that book about a year ago. it was a hoot and its clear, g"et to the bottom of it" information was like a friend slapping me alongside my noggin.


Tan Lucy Pez said...

I sure do agree with you on this! Women need to wake up.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

That's a great line: "..sometimes being alone IS finding someone better." Never a truer word....

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Here, Here!

I am all for women empowering themselves and learning when to let go and say no.

Mr. Althouse said...

I haven't read it, but I have heard of it. Although I generally don't like generalizations, since this one benefits me, I'll run with it. If men are generally as portrayed, then it narrows down the competition. I'll gladly measure my qualities against that of this typical male, thus ending over five years of single fatherhood.

However, it seems to me that no matter how much the typical female complains about these shallow, self-absorbed men, they appear to be attracted tp the very same. I can't tell you how many times I have been referred to as the "n" word (nice) or the "f" word (friend). And, as the cliche goes, I have too often finished last while the a**hole gets the girl. How can women say one thing and do another?

Ummm, nevermind - stupid question.


PS: I know that my last commentary is yet another gross generalization, so before y'all start bashing me, I know you aren't all the same!

Fred said...

I've always wondered why either sex would stay in an obviously flawed relationhip. My only simple explanation is lack of self-esteem, but I'm sure there's got to be other reasons.

FTS said...

I saw this book last year, and TSB wrote about it a couple of weeks ago. I think it is a wonderful tool for both sexes, even though it spotlights us males.

Let's face it, we've all been on both sides of the equation, and if nothing else this book helps someone on the receiving end realize when they are being given the subtle hints that the relationship is on shaky -- if not sinking -- ground. Ever notice when we meet someone that's divorced they are always the one who got shafted? Who has ever had a divorcee say "I was a jerk, I cheated, I treated him/her like crap, then I left them high and dry. I got the house, the car, and the Swiss bank account."

Yeah, me neither.

I have long held that relationships are not the 50-50 give and take everyone claims they are. They should be 100-100, with both partners all about giving and pleasing the other. It's a perfect balance as long as one doesn't start taking the other for granted. That's when the scales tip and the relationship becomes out of kilter.

Just my .02. ;)

AP3 said...

I heard about this book. It does sound pretty good.

All I can say is, I used to date women (before I got married to one) -- and they're no picnic either! Seriously. Women can be horrible too.

Senor Caiman said...


Excellent post. Your hidden agenda always peeks out from your post.

Yes many women are turning to lesbianism because of the reasons you’ve stated. I am an investor in an adoption company that matches lesbian couples with Russian babies. Lesbian and straight couples have become frustrated with the states adoption system I feel like I’m doing my part in helping lesbians form a normal family unit.

Jessica said...

I'm amazed not only that there are so many male jerks in the world but that there are so many women who actually seek out men who treat them like trash. I dread the day my daughter starts dating....

Kathleen said...

We all do dumb things when smitten. Sadly, people can really get hurt. I sometimes scratch my head when women I know can't see the obvious, but then I remember the what appeared to be my own lack of gray matter. Funny thing about it, we usually keep stepping in the same damn hole!

TSB said...

I have read this book, re-read this book and then read it again to refresh my memory. I bought a copy for my 19 yr old daughter and one for at least 5 of my friends. I don't think the book bashes males. What it does bash is the low self esteem required to remain in bad realtionships whether you are a male or female. Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself in regards to the lack of "love" in my life, I re-read this book. I think it better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you have to mold yourself to fit someone elses bad behavior, or behave badly yourself to be wanted.

By the way... I lovvvvved the David Gray Video...perfect song for this post!

Beaver said...

1-10: *shudder*

I thank G** everyday for putting Dave in my life. Thanks for the reminder!

Beav' the Paki

Three Score and Ten or more said...

I hate to say this, but none of the problems you talk about are exclusive to men. I could make almost the same list of couples with the same problems where the female was the instigator. No gender hold the full honor of being the perfect partner, nor no gender holds the patent on being crummy.

Eddo said...

I read this last night and then went off to the site and then never came back and commented.

That book is so right-on.

Even when I am scared to death to ask a girl out, I ALWAYS ask her out - what have I got to lose?

And if she isn't worth asking out, then I don't bother.

And guys rarely hang out with girls when they want to be "Just Friends" at least I don't. I don't really enjoy hanging out with girls in a non-romantic way one-on-one. I like girls in groups, but one-on-one I like be romantic.

That's my word and I am sticking too it. Eddo of Posted Note!

Bar Bar A said...

I just started reading it. I am glad I found your blog! Great stuff here.