What is Love?

The other day I was counseling a new bride, who tearfully and dramatically told me that although she loved her husband, she was not in love with him. I really hate that trite, over-used and under-thought about phrase. I hear it a lot, and it's the refuge of fools: Because love takes work.

So many people don't realize what love is, and to complicate matters, they often get love and lust mixed up. Because love and lust often intertwine, it can be confusing. But here's a quick separation of the two: lust=selfish desire (wanting to have sex with the object of desire) and love=unselfish desire (devotion to the needs of the object of desire). Although I've never known of a true case of love at first sight, I've seen a lotta lust at first sight. Now don't get me wrong! If you can combine love and lust, you've got the best of both worlds. But that won't always happen.

So when the new bride said she loved her husband, she had a vague idea of devotion to him (but not too much, since this was reaching crisis proportions) but wasn't currently lusting after him (which had been the primary foundation for the relationship).

Was she being selfish? Of course! Could I understand her? Sure! I even identified with her. Because every one of us (unless you're from another planet) go through vaccilating feelings in our relationship(s). But the key to true love is that you weather those vaccilations.

And this is why I treasure Eddo's romantic mini blog, titled "Marry Me". It's heart-warmingly earnest, and when you read it, you are struck by the hidden strength and determination that lies behind his promises to his future bride. It is that strength that is so desirable, and women love a strong man. (No, I'm not angling for Eddo; he's like a brother to me).

"Strength," you ask. "What strength are you talking about?" The strength of devotion, which is the base of true love.

Let's face it: There will be times when a husband comes home to a wife with a soiled t-shirt, a screaming baby, and a cluttered house. It takes love to step in the door, when the bar is just down the street.

And love means a determination to continue on, even when the feelings momentarily lapse. It's the maturity to follow through with the vows you've made, and work past the difficulties.

No one falls out of love, though many have chosen to stop loving. Because love isn't that quickening of the heart, but the steady and consistent beating of it.

Of course every relationship has a different 'feel' to it. I've been in enough to know that each one almost takes on a life of it's own. And some work better than others. I've known it's time to move on when, as Ann Landers has said, I've decided that I'm better off without him than with him. But I never make such decisions lightly, and certainly not based on anything as frivolous as a temporary feeling. Sometimes that's even delayed a decision, but I'd rather err on the side of caution than throw caution to the winds and err.

So what advice did I give to the young bride? Go home to your husband. Get couples counseling. Give it a few more months, and then decide what you are really feeling. Realize that love takes work and devotion, and be grateful that your husband isn't doing the same thing to you that you are doing to him at this moment. Basically, I told her "stop being so selfish."

To read more about true love, read I Corinthians 13.