The other day I was counseling a new bride, who tearfully and dramatically told me that although she loved her husband, she was not in love with him. I really hate that trite, over-used and under-thought about phrase. I hear it a lot, and it's the refuge of fools: Because love takes work.
So many people don't realize what love is, and to complicate matters, they often get love and lust mixed up. Because love and lust often intertwine, it can be confusing. But here's a quick separation of the two: lust=selfish desire (wanting to have sex with the object of desire) and love=unselfish desire (devotion to the needs of the object of desire). Although I've never known of a true case of love at first sight, I've seen a lotta lust at first sight. Now don't get me wrong! If you can combine love and lust, you've got the best of both worlds. But that won't always happen.
So when the new bride said she loved her husband, she had a vague idea of devotion to him (but not too much, since this was reaching crisis proportions) but wasn't currently lusting after him (which had been the primary foundation for the relationship).
Was she being selfish? Of course! Could I understand her? Sure! I even identified with her. Because every one of us (unless you're from another planet) go through vaccilating feelings in our relationship(s). But the key to true love is that you weather those vaccilations.
And this is why I treasure Eddo's romantic mini blog, titled "Marry Me". It's heart-warmingly earnest, and when you read it, you are struck by the hidden strength and determination that lies behind his promises to his future bride. It is that strength that is so desirable, and women love a strong man. (No, I'm not angling for Eddo; he's like a brother to me).
"Strength," you ask. "What strength are you talking about?" The strength of devotion, which is the base of true love.
Let's face it: There will be times when a husband comes home to a wife with a soiled t-shirt, a screaming baby, and a cluttered house. It takes love to step in the door, when the bar is just down the street.
And love means a determination to continue on, even when the feelings momentarily lapse. It's the maturity to follow through with the vows you've made, and work past the difficulties.
No one falls out of love, though many have chosen to stop loving. Because love isn't that quickening of the heart, but the steady and consistent beating of it.
Of course every relationship has a different 'feel' to it. I've been in enough to know that each one almost takes on a life of it's own. And some work better than others. I've known it's time to move on when, as Ann Landers has said, I've decided that I'm better off without him than with him. But I never make such decisions lightly, and certainly not based on anything as frivolous as a temporary feeling. Sometimes that's even delayed a decision, but I'd rather err on the side of caution than throw caution to the winds and err.
So what advice did I give to the young bride? Go home to your husband. Get couples counseling. Give it a few more months, and then decide what you are really feeling. Realize that love takes work and devotion, and be grateful that your husband isn't doing the same thing to you that you are doing to him at this moment. Basically, I told her "stop being so selfish."
To read more about true love, read I Corinthians 13.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
38 comments:
Please do not tell me this is the young bride you just married!
I am still struggling with what the term "love" means to me personally. It sure is not the euphoric existence on a spiritual plane that is semi protrayed in popular media.
One thing I do know, it requires an individual to put their needs, wants and desires behind those of others. If I ever figure out the rest, I will publish and get rich
Michelle, ah...you are so very perceptive.
Mallory, you are correct. And it's tough to figure out what love is, exactly. It's almost like a very complicated recipe that requires measurements of different ingredients to make it work. But I know the base of the recipe.
You know I am with you on this all the way...usually...
I have to ask this. Do you think maybe she should just let this poor guy go so HE can move on to someone a little more mature and less reactive?
Michelle, normally I would agree with you about this, and even recommended it to him, when she continued to be sketchy. But he's madly in love with her, and she's...pregnant. I had originally strongly suggested premarital counseling, which they didn't do. I felt that marrying them was the lesser of two evils. They were determined, and I was thankful that at least they wanted to show their devotion to each other at that time. They've known each other since they were children.
Sometimes i fear my boyfriend does not understand what you have written here. (we have been together 6 1/2 yrs, and have a 18month-old son) Whenever things get a little rough, he starts wondering if he's still in love, or if we should even be together anymore, but when things are good, he doesnt seem to worry about those things. But at least he talks to me about it...And i tell him the things you said, love takes work, etc.
Good Post. :)
This post hits the nail on the head.
Love (especially within a marriage)is not about warm fuzzies or even lust. It's work.
I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see someone come out and say, what should be so obvious: stop being selfish in regards to relationships.
FTS sent me...you have a great blog. By the way, I LOVE 1 Corinthians 13. It's truly one of the greatest chapters I've read in ANY book.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Man, does this ever hit the nail on the head.
I have been through this "love but not in love" crap a few times in my past and it always turns out to be an unwillingness to work on things.
I have now found the "right" one for me and we have been married just over 10 years. There were many rocky roads along the way but we knew that all we had to do was work through it, and we were both willing to do that.
There are still rocky roads from time to time as there are in any relationship and we will continue to work on things to "live happily ever after".
I enjoyed stopping by and reading this, I will be back again to check in...
Saur, you were right on it being the lesser of two evils. Our marriage which started under similar "options" is coming up on 24 years on the 16th. I think it turned out to be a life and soul saver for me, however hard it has been at times. I can not express the mental fortitude my OH showed in making it work.
You are right though we WORKED at it and still are for that matter.
Very well said - and real love is neither a pit one falls into nor a tree they fall out of - somewhat contrary to what is depicted in popular media. My favorite wife and I are approaching 43 years together (June) and while it has been real work at times, the compensation has been greatly rewarding. ec
Love is the sacrifice of self in the doing for another whether it's you're spouse, your children, or the world. And DOING whether or not you're receiving.
Again, I love this quote:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Relationships ‘are’ work—regardless of what other people say. “Oh you shouldn’t have to work at love…” Of course you do. It’s a relationship between two people. Each person is so complex and unique with different ideas and thoughts. How can you mesh these people into “one”? You try to ‘be one’, but in reality, you have to work at it to be ‘one’.
I went through a phase with my partner that left me in quandary, wondering if I was in love with her or just ‘loved’ her. And yes, I did ask that question of, “Would I be better off ‘without her’?” That’s the key question---I am so there with you on that one! What a great point to make.
I think this post is a true eye-opener for anyone struggling with these issues. The truth of the matter is, there are stages of love.
1. Lust. It lures you in for the first time. We all had those butterflies in our stomachs upon seeing our ‘new girlfriend or boyfriend’.
2. Love that intertwines lust—and making compromises that we wouldn’t normally make under different circumstances.
3. Unconditional love. The love where—if one gets sick or disabled, where they cannot perform sex any longer, or when life becomes too hectic---both parties are understanding and realize they have to be patient. Love overcomes the need for “sex”.
Thank you for posting this. I think this was one of your best posts! Very well written and should be in an article of the New York Times! Seriously!!! You’re talented---I’ll say that!
I really enjoyed reading this .. because you hit the nail on the head. Love to me is a verb, and as you know, action takes a lot of work.
Believe me when I say being with a man for 37 years took a lot of action on both our parts. My goodness, we had to love each other to get use to the massive changes in our bodies ... and if you live long enough you will know what I mean. Love is the only hope for gravity, unless one is addictive to plastic.
As for lust ... where is lust, I am still looking for some! LOL
Oh wow--I just noticed that you put the first Corinthians on there!
Another excellent post.
After being married 25 years, I can say that I am not sure what LUST is all about these days. But I do remember the beginning!
I couldn't agree more. I've been telling my friends for years (particularly during rough marital patches) to remember that love is a verb. Took me some time to learn that, but since I've caught on, my marriage has been excellent.
I feel the urge to comment on your new bride. I have to say she needs some sense smacked into her. She doesn't have the luxury of claiming the ignorance of youth since a child is now part of the equation. What do you think of the husband?
You're pretty sharp, Kraut. My wife and I fought a lot before we decided we were in love.
Love does take work and commitment. There are wonderful benefits to staying devoted to your spouse through thick and thin.
I always thought that "to love" someone was to want what was best for that person. To be "in love" with a person, was to want to have the other person for oneself.
Love is wonderful. "In love" doesn't last. It can't. Go for "love" every time.
Very nice post. You are dead on with this. Love/marriage/relationship...takes a lot of work. I think there is always self doubt at certain times.
Well said!
And happy new year!
Meegan, oh good! There you are. I was truly worried, to be honest.
Lee Ann, thanks, hon! And you're right about self-doubt. That plagues us all at times.
TLP, you know, that's an excellent way to look at it.
Jamie Dawn, you're right, and one of the benefits is the reciprocal security.
...more in a min...
Old Hoss, thanks! Coming from you, that's a high compliment. Did you fight a lot at first? How did it mellow, and when did it? What sorts of things were the bone of contention?
Always Questioning, she does need to be spanked, which is something her mother is sorely tempted to do, even though she's an adult. Her husband is a very nice, extremely devoted man whom everyone adores. He's not some sort of kiss-up; he actually is a good guy. For instance, he truly sat down with SaurKid once and had a long discussion with him about life goals. Not many guys could be bothered with kids.
FTS, It has been a very long time since I have had someone give me that butterflies-in-the-stomach, weak-in-the-knees, stumbling-over-my-words feeling... I know what you mean. I often wish we could capture that moment forever, but then there would be complications: elevated stress levels, horrid shyness, and other awkwardnesses that dissolve when you become more comfortable with each other. In the right relationship, though, I believe those moments resurface.
Barbara, I was married for 12 years (age 18-30), and there wasn't much lust at the beginning, so by the end I'd forgotten what it was like, myself. ;o)
Jef, how very true. I think that married couples know how to pick their fights. Unmarrieds often have the wrong priorities, which results in short-term relationships at best.
LP, ;o) Yeah, a little lust never hurt anybody!!!
Deb, excellent posts and response. I agree with you. And don't be too hard on yourself: we all have been through situations like that. Well, at least *I* have.
Anne, I agree with you completely.
Mr.Eddie, 45 years??? Wow, you should be writing this!
Mallory, I remember your saying you'd been through that yourself. That must've been a tough series of decisions. I'm glad you felt they were the right ones.
OB Juan, I'm so glad you stopped by. And I'm delighted that you like it here! I look forward to seeing you again!
You're right; marriage is a rocky road. It's up to us to be the shock absorbers.
Monica, welcome! I'm so glad you liked it!
Mella, I'm happy that you dropped in, and I'm glad you found it 'refreshing'. I shoot from the hip, as you will see... ;o)
Kristied, well, to be honest: I've been through the exact same hurt you've been through, and it's hell on earth. Hang in there, sweetie. You'll most likely either toughen up, or he'll soften up. Otherwise, you'll eventually know when it just can't work and you'll be at peace about it.
You hit the nail with the hammer. I always counsel women when I sense they are lusting after me. I ask them if they’re willing to trade years of marriage for 10 seconds of ecstasy.
Mr. Gator, *LOL* You know, these women need to stop throwing themselves at you. Your wife is going to get jealous.
Lovely post Saur. It is interesting, but you can still have that ecstacy urge when you've been married 48 years and if you acted very much on the urge the artificial knees would pop or the arthritic shoulder would show you whose boss but the urge still feels good. I used to counsel young marrieds to listen to each other. So much of youthful concentration is spent listening just enough to think of a reply (or an argument). It is work, but it works. I once had a former student discuss her sexual urges as they related to an old friend, rather than her current (pro football player) fella. The only thing I could say was that more good friendships are messed up through that kind of thinking than from any other factor. By the way, I appreciate Deb's suggestion, but knowing how I feel about the times, pick another paper.
Saur,
I think she is jealous, but I just don't think I should let her win in Sudoku.
Great post. Really wise. Kudos to you.
This has alwasy helped clarify it for me.
The Four Loves:
The Four Loves is a 1960 book by C. S. Lewis in which he explores the nature of love from a Christian perspective. He starts by distinguishing Need-love (such as the love of a child for its mother) from Gift-love (epitomized by God's love for humanity), and then divides love into four categories, based on the four Greek words for love.
Affection (storge) is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance.
Friendship (philia) is a strong bond existing between people who share a common interest or activity. Lewis explicitly says that his definition of Friendship is narrower than mere Companionship; Friendship in his sense only exists if there is something for the Friendship to be about.
Eros is love in the sense of 'being in love'. This is distinct from sexuality, which Lewis calls Venus, although he does spend time discussing sexual activity and its spiritual significance in both a pagan and a Christian sense. He warns against the danger of elevating Eros to the status of a god, but he also praises it as an indifferent appreciation of the beloved as opposed to any pleasure that can be obtained from them.
Charity (agape) is a love towards one's neighbour which does not depend on any loveable qualities that the object of love possesses. Lewis sees charity as a specifically Christian virtue, and the chapter on the subject focuses on the need of subordinating the natural loves to the love of God.
Being married is hard work. I have only been at it for 3 years, but all 3 years have been difficult.
You are right about married couples picking their fights. I remember previous relationships and how much we used to bicker about stupid things.
My husband and I have grown to listen to eachother and agree to disagree when necessary.
There are times when he makes me so mad I feel I could club him over the head, but never does the thought of me being "out of love" come into the picture.
He is my everything, and all I want is to make him happy, and he tells me the same on an almost daily basis.
I was feeling really sorry for myself because my honey and I haven been in a rut for the past month and thanks to your post I am not feeling so bad. I also linked you on my blog...hope that's ok?
Thanks again for hitting the nail right on the head. It does take work and if more people worked at it....there would be less two parent families!
Saur, You have hit the nail on the head. I have been married for 34 years to the same man. I have a wonderful husband who I wouldn't trade for the life of me.
"you hit the nail on the head."
if i read that phrase one more time in this thread, i'm gonna puke.
Yeah, I've heard that crap before too. Sounds like laziness to me on her part.
Post a Comment