Monday, July 17, 2006

The Big 4-0

I'm turning 40 this week. I am not looking forward to it. Last week I handed Zen Buddhist the phone. "Ozma wants you to call her. It's about my surprise birthday party next Tuesday. Tell her if you can go, but don't bother to confirm or deny it to me. I know," I said. Ozma is The Queen of Surprise Parties and All Tremble in Her Path.

I'm also going out for dinner and drinks with Chris (of the Sweet N' Saur blog) tonight and my parents are taking me to a 5-star restaurant on Wednesday. All this support is equivalent to a funeral wake. I am experiencing the death of my thirties.

Terrazzo was apparently invented by Satan himself, along with lima beans and hairnets. The stain didn't take, and I will need to do something else. As I meticulously painted the floor yesterday, Ozma sat nearby, mooning over her ex-boyfriend. By the time it was over, we were both so depressed that I was sawing at my wrists with a spackling knife. As I told Ozma's brother (Jack) later, some day I want my tombstone to read "It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time." This seems to be the Theme of My Life. Obviously it's time for Plan B. I'll let you know when I've figured out exactly what Plan B is.

As you recall, I got the ex-boyfriend help from a drug treatment program through my church. He had promised he'd never go to the 9 o'clock service so that I could attend in peace. However, yesterday he was there. He approached me and we spoke pleasantly for a couple minutes. "This is what I screwed up and lost," he told a man that was with him. He always knows what to say, or so he believes. Truth can be charming, but he never overdoses on it.

Initially, I was polite and allowed them to sit with me. Although I tried to stay through the service, I realized I couldn't handle it any longer. You see, I can't worship in peace next to someone that I would prefer to mutilate. I whispered to him that I was leaving, and he left, too. On my way to the parking lot, he called out for me to wait. I did, and he walked me to my car.

I continued to be courteous until he attempted to kiss me. That's when I pushed him away and told him firmly that it was completely unacceptable as I wiped my mouth on my arm and spit in an unladylike way (picture Elmer Fudd after Bugs has kissed him). I also told him that although I wished him well, I would no longer attend that church. I will be going elsewhere from now on. This is a complication that I don't need.

I could hear my wallet moving around restlessly, however. I knew she wanted to get back into his pants. The slut!


Ed Abbey said...

Well hopefully you at least have a HAPPY birthday if nothing else.

Ellen said...

My advise.... empty the wallet wench of all her money and cards and hand it over to the ex. Get a new wallet! She's a traitor!

Sorry about the church incident... that's a lot tougher to divorce out of your life. Perhaps ex only showed up this time because he thought he had a chance to wile his charms once more, and will not return. Chances are not, though.

The more you keep trying to be civil to him, the more he feels that "maybe" he is getting to your resolve... after all, you are still conversing with him, and he finds that as a sign still. He will find more inventive ways to sling that charm around, as that's the nature of his beast. You might need to quit talking to him altogether in order to get on with your life. Good luck.... been there myself, and it's not easy.

Kathleen said...

Shame you must change churches. Good that you know you must. I think break-ups are better if you make a clean cut.

Don't worry about turning 40. Remember it is only a number. My forties were (operative word) hot!

michelle said...

I have to tell you the best time I had was when I turned 30. Then my mid-30's seems so-so. Now my late 30's and it seems life has kicking it up a notch. I am kind of looking forward to turning 40.

There is a chuch by my house little man wants to go to. Want to go next Sunday together and check it out?

I am all for doing what ever it takes to get you a clean break from jackass and moving on to a much grander life!

Miss Cellania said...

Hey, the 40s are a wonderful time to be alive. I've made it through most of them! There are plenty of churches out there, but don't let him know which one you find!

~Deb said...

When are we going out for drinks so I can treat you for your birthday??? I'll have a martini here waiting for you in New York.

As far as the ex------oh sweetie he went BECAUSE of you. You do know that, right? I mean, for him to venture out to the 9 o'clock service---that was a desperate attempt to get near you. Which is all flattering -- but you need to take care of "Saur".........

Hope you're well!

Saur♥Kraut said...

Deb, Too bad New York's not closer! I will take you up on that drink ASAP, though. Make mine a mojito! ;o)

Miss C, Oh yeah. I have NO intentions of letting him in on my new church. I'll be stalked in and out of churches for eternity if I keep him in the loop!

Michelle, let's try it out! I'll have SaurKid that day. It'll be fun!

Kathleen, I hope you mean "hot" in a good way, not a menopausal way. :D

Ellen, I agree. All I want to do is turn over his stuff to him and be done with it. I'm completely over the whole situation. :P

Ed, actually, I'm not-so-secretly looking forward to all the partying. :D

Grant said...

Couldn't you just taser the guy if he tries to attend your church again? If you go somewhere else, you may not like it as much and he may always find the new place as well. Maybe you should consider a restraining order and have him arrested if he shows at your church again.

~QZ~ said...

personally i think 40 year old women are totally "there". and "happenin". i think men half our age want us. bad

Badoozie said...

well several people have already said it but it bears repeating. he obviously has not changed a dang bit, because if he sincerely went to church to worship, he would not have went at 9, and he would not have left when you did and tried what he did. he's still him. and your still you. run fast and far.

as for turning 40, i'm right behind you sister. not looking forward to it. don't care what anyone else says, i don't like it one bit and i never will. once i hit that mark, it's time to start lying about my age. and i might get away with it?

Fred said...

Oh, I wish I were just turning 40. You'll do fine. Just imagine that you were turning 50 - then you'll be happy it's only your 40th.

Too bad you have to change churches. I guess it's the best thing to do, but it just doesn't seem right to me. He should be the one to get lost.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Fred & Grant, well, he needs this particular church because it has a good drug program and I want him to stay in it, for everyone's sake. It's easier for me to pack it in.

QZ, if men want us so badly, they're probably at least 10 yrs older than we are. *sigh*

Susie, I could lie, and get away with it, but what's the point? You know what my mom does? She tells everyone she's ten years older so that she can get complimented on how great she looks for her age. ;o)

uncle joe said...

Ha Ha, the surprise ending got me.

I don't blame you one bit for leaving.
Bringing the sacrifice of praise sitting next to him would be very hard thing to do. Unless you had a sharp axe in your purse to offer the ex as a sacrifice..
That's not right. Why did I say that?

michelle said...

I would be happy to take Kim's body from 9 1/2 Weeks.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Michelle, You have that body, you goof!

Uncle Joe, *LOL*

Reverberate58 said...

Well I for one being 48 found 40 to be just a number! I was so ready to get past the 30's. So yes mourn the pass but get ready for what is to come. I met my sweet hubby just after my 40th birthday!!

As for the ex and church thing. I agree with Susie, run and don't look back. And I would wash that wallet if I was you. She needs a good bath!!

Mike said...

Have a great birthday....and I'd still consider a restraining order on the ex.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I bet it would be safe to go back to that church. If he thinks you're not going to be there, he won't show up, either.

Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

That wallet of yours still fascinates me.

Jeffery Hodges

* * *

~Deb said...

AH! The ex looks a little like a Sean Penn type.... no? Hmmm....

MMMMMMM I am SO in the mood for mojitos with real sugar canes. YUM! Get your bum to New York!

R2K said...

Lol I love any post that ends in a wallet being a slut. Seriously, this is such a dramatic thing to have happen. It is great that you held out, and didnt cave to the pressure (or the kiss attempt). I say if the wallet isnt working, you could always get a billfold made out of a solid piece of metal. Stamp "Bad ass Mother#$@!$" on the side and keep the big bills on the outside.

You claim to be turning 40, but from the looks of things I would think more like 25.

Jamie Dawn said...

I posted my celebrity post on SATURDAY, girlie! :)
I love the last couple of sentences of this post.
Keep that wallet IN YOUR PURSE! I mean it!
It's too bad that you have to change churches in order to attend without unwanted harassment. Now, he'll be roaming around from church to church looking for you.
I guess it's time for you to become a Mormon or Jehovah's Witness. :) He won't be looking at those places of worship.

Jamie Dawn said...

40 isn't so bad. Don't worry.
I'm almost 43 now, and it's not that bad at all.
Would I RATHER be 30?
Well, duh! Of course I would!!

mal said...

happy Birthday! Trust me, 40 is not so bad. 50 is not so bad either. I will have to let you know about 60 though *G*

Badoozie said...

i wanna look like someone, can i look like angelina please?

# said...


Senor Caiman said...


This is funny. I've only been with one woman who I thought really enjoyed sex. No wonder he's cuming back.

I have such a poor memory that I can't remember my forties that well. I don't remember anything negative though.

Happy Birthday Slut.

Anonymous said...

Just a visitor; good boundries, and Happy Birthday!

mckay said...

1. ditto, saur.

2. your ex looked like mcdreamy?...hmmm, good for you for not falling for his empty bag o charms.

jsull28fl@yahoo said...

I think that you agreed with me on UWL's blog
that was my cherry!
I'll be back

Lee Ann said...

Sounds like you handled it perfectly!
Oh, Happy birthday this week!
I hope you have a blast!

jsull said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Meow said...

Hope you have a wonderful birthday, and 40 isn't old ... I've got one up on you !!!
Take care, Meow

Christine said...

found this!

No need to check a placemat at a Chinese restaurant!

AQ said...

Happy Birthday!!

mckay said...

...and btw, 40 is the new 30.

Carrie said...

Happy Birthday.... You deserve the best so settle for nothing less!!

Three Score and Ten or more said...

Trust me, the forties are GOOD. I was asked awhile ago if I could go back to the way I was at any age, what age would I pick? Without hesitation I picked forty. (I won't go into my reasoning, but it was good.)

Burn the dang wallet and get a new one, smaller, tighter and harder.

Valerie - Riding Solo said...

You did the best you could. Planning to change churches is a drag but I bet you find a place that just loves having you there.

I was looking a photos tonight. I was young and pretty once. I saw one of the "not husband" that messed me up pretty good.

I still liked him.

He died of cancer a couple years ago and I hadn't seen him in many years but even just the photo reminded me that I liked him.

It's hard to cut off those we care for even when they are bad for us.

keep cutting..