OK, everyone sing along with me (in the tune of "I'm Too Sexy" by Fred She Said):
I'm too pushy for my love
Too pushy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too pushy for my shirt
Too pushy for my shirt
So pushy it hurts
And I'm too pushy for Milan too pushy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too pushy for your party
Too pushy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing
I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
I'm too pushy for my car too pushy for my car
Too pushy by far…
I've been told that I'm doomed and will never be able to have a satisfying relationship because I'm pushy: I'm too strong-willed. The truth is, I've been told these things while I'm trying very hard to not be pushy or strong-willed. What to do about it?
First, I know that not all of my friends see and think this about me. It's perceived by people who are weaker or more unsure of themselves. However, if someone is of a weaker temperment, it isn't my wish to make them uncomfortable.
Second, I can't help who I am. There's no doubt I'm opinionated, but I try to temper it with gentleness and humor. If I were in school, I'd probably be the class clown again. If I try to sublimate that, I would be stressed, grumpy, and then I would really become strident.
One of my well-meaning friends has suggested I date European men, because they are supposedly more in-tune with themselves and accepting of intelligent, strong women. Sure thing! I'll just strap on my backpack and hit Europe, staying at hostels along the way! Or is there something I'm missing, like a European Lonely Hearts dating service? Exclusive European Dance Clubs? Nope, scratch that idea. It isn't happening.
Another friend has told me to simply be quiet when I first meet a guy. OK, great. And just how is he supposed to get to know me? Can you picture our first dinner out together?
Bachelor #1: So, Saur, tell me about yourself!
Saur: (awkwardly) Well, Bachelor #1, I ... oh look! A dinner roll. Hang on a sec! (applies butter furiously) So, how 'bout them Devil Rays?
So that idea's out the window, too.
Although this sounds appallingly Zsa Zsa Gabor, men are attracted to my looks. But once they get in the door with flowers and chocolates, and I open my mouth, the chocolates go one way and the flowers go in the other direction as the guy beats a hasty retreat. "What?" I would say to his back as he ran for the car. "What did I say this time?"
The truth is that I'm 40. I'm too old to pretend that I'm something which I'm not. If I have to be Bambi to catch a guy, then I'd prefer to become an eccentric old maid. It just sucks that there aren't a lot of other options.
Due to my wish to protect my privacy (and due to the fact that many friends and family read my blog at times) I have to be careful what I say. There have been some wonderful opportunities but I have passed on them all for now. It's not that I need time to heal from my last relationship (which was over almost eight months ago now, and he's been gone for two). It's that I don't wish to continue to repeat my mistakes.
And it's tough to find a guy that wants a girl that thinks like Elayne Boosler, even if she does come in a pretty package.
About Me
- Saur♥Kraut
- Saur♥Kraut has been called The Mouth of the South.
This blog was repeatedly named one of the best blogs in the area by the (then) St. Pete Times and Tampa Tribune. After a hiatus of a little over 3 years, she has recently returned to blogging and generally annoying everyone.
Saur♥Kraut grew up in the Tampa Bay Area and, after a brief period of roaming, settled there for good... just as a tick settles on a dog. She now lives in uneasy symbiosis with the most densely populated area within the State of Florida.
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25 comments:
Speaking as a European man - more in tune with ourselves? I think its more the ability to nod in an agreeable fashion coupled with the refusal to have our ears syringed.
There are guys out there who think an assertive woman is a kick. They are men who are very strong and confident in themselves, who won't look at you as a competitor. Sure, they are rare, but if anyone can find one, you will! Then... ask him if he has an older brother.
Saur, Saur, Saur,
What are you talking about? You are just fine the way you are. Trust me, if I can find Mr. Right then you can. I ham pig headed, opinionated, change my mind on a dime, I tell people what to do, forget that Hubby may need time to himself, talk to the kids a too loud voice...
My point is there really is someone out there for you. Just keep having fun and being you.
Oh, and don't ask my opinion, because I will give it to you. I doubt that you need one more friends advice.
I am sorry but that is complete crap, who wants to date someone that can't handle a strong female anyway? Just means they are weak! It took me awhile to find my match, I too am strong willed and opinionated. I do regularly check to see if I am being too pushy because I realize that maybe I do need to moderate myself sometimes, but you sound like a wonderful, amazing person and you will find the right guy to annoy for the rest of your life! :-)
I would recommend the internet to filter out the rifraff and get right to the stuff that meets certain criteria. Although technically I met my wife via the internet, it was on a photography forum and we just shared similar interests. She was strong willed, intelligent and opinionated, just like what I was looking for. Four years later we were married. Now two of my friends have since met and married women via dating sites online.
Ed, I tried that but it didn't work out well. You see, I don't want to be on display for tons of guys and stalkers.
Chris, thanks. *hugs* Likewise, I'm sure! :D
Anon, thanks, hon. ;o) I guess its simply disappointing to find that there are so many weak guys out there, who are threatened by women who can take care of themselves and keep a crowd entertained. I've also gone out w/ guys that are initially attracted to that, and then want to alter it later on. But I don't mind an easy-going guy who's slightly intimidated, as long as he can get over it!!!
Michelle, thanks, hon. You give me hope. And of COURSE you can offer advice. You're one of my best friends! Duh!
Miss C, check! I'll find out if he's got an older brother! ;o) And thanks for the encouragement.
Old Man Rich, :D Well, you were raised better than most of the men over here, then.
Susie, thank you. You're right! Sometimes there aren't classically happy endings and it may very well be that neither one of us will get it. That's the truth.
ya just need a hot, smart blind guy :-)
There's bound to be SOMEBODY. You too pretty a package to go to waste.
Chris, :D No, no, no. As I said, "classically" happy. You see, I think we all grew up with the idea that we were going to have someone to walk into the sunset with. That doesn't mean that I won't be equally happy in an unclassical way. I'm just agreeing with Susie that we grow up with certain expectations and must realize that there are other ways to be happy.
McKay, ;o)
Old Hoss, thanks, honey. *hugs*
What is this crap about "men from Europe?" You know who I think say stuff like that? People that do not realize Europe is NOT a Country.
Anyway, maybe the problem is that there is no such a thing as "Mr. Right". There may be a "Mr. Better Than Nothing" or a "Mr. Acceptible".
By the way, I decided to look for a "Ms. Someone Who Can Put Up With My Crap Without Wanting To Strangle Me At Night". Ill keep everyone updated as to my progress.
God made you with your exact personality. You'll find someone who is strong enough to not be run over by you, but also knows when to step back and be gentle to let you be you.
I do believe there is someone for everyone, you just have to be patient to find the needle in the haystack. I've been married long enough that I don't know what it's like to be single in 2006 but if you are happy in your own skin, it's nothing but gravy when you find the right one.
Susie, *LOL*
Mr. Fabulous, actually I didn't really intend to take the "bad" advice (i.e. "act like Bambi" or "travel to Europe"). However, it's interesting that this is the advice which is given at times!
Emma, ;o) I know. I've seen some wonderful marriages out there. I know it exists. I'm not one of the cynics, and never will be. I don't know if it exists for ME, but I do know it's out there. And no matter what, I'll be more than happy with my lot in life.
Lazy Iguana, then you may just be my Dream Man!
Saur,
I’ve never felt that you were intelligent or intimidating. Perhaps you’re misinterpreting the message the fellas are giving.
Unless you enjoy the stench of body odor I would stay clear of Europeans.
I’d help you out but I’ve had sex on every first date since Junior High and I’m not about to put that record on the line with someone who has hair issues.
Have you considered being re-virgined. It’s quite the craze with middle-age women. The muscles are tightened to pre-pregnancy, pre sex conditions. The only drawback is if you get this done a lot your naval ends up just below your breasts.
It’s all good.
Senor Caiman, Yikes! Sounds like a lotta trouble to go through in my tender middle years. ;o) Thanks for the laugh, though.
Saur,
I'm just joking with you, you're the best.
Senor Caiman, Because of you I have decided that I am 28 years old if anyone asks.
I would totally date you if you were into 24 year olds.
Oh, can I relate and understand, Saur!
I love those new lyrics, by the way.
I say 3 cheers for a strong, determined and tenacious woman!
I always say to be yourself. You can only pretend for so long and if you're pretending in the beginning and then get attached and comfortable with a person and let your true nature show thru, then bad things can happen. And its not fair to either party involved. If there's a mr.right out there for you, then being you and not worrying about it is the best way to find him. My mom always said that when you stop looking for him or even caring if you find him, he will find you.
And what you said about being "pushy", i agree that it is usually people who are "weak" or unsure of themselves who perceive it the worst. I would say you are strong, honest and opinionated. More people should strive to be like that. From the sounds of it, you have tact and grace and arent going around being a bitch. So go on and be "pushy".
You are who you are. That's it.
If you disguise it at first, the real you would come out eventually anyway.
I think some men are attracted to an independent woman. Those who are not, are not right for you.
I don't think that self-confident, successful men would find your assertiveness offensive. Men who feel threatened by you would.
The right guy is out there, and I think you will find him before long. 40 is not old. You are still youthful, and you have good things to look forward to.
Relax, take it as it comes. Relationships have a habit of taking care of themselves
From one assertive woman to another, don't hide it, don't be ashamed of it.
If we didn't take care of ourselves no one else would so we learned it the hard way.
A man secure in his identity is not intimidated by us, he will see us as someone he can really trust with his back.
If I wanted a wuss man I could have a dozen. I don't know how I lucked into a strong, sensitive, caring male but I know there are more like him out there.
I'm looking. I'm just myself. Yes, I have scared off two or three already....LOL!
Darn it!
fantastic, all these theories about pushyness and men and "what to do and not to do" is making me all nervous!! had a wonderful evening and night with a wonderful man and all I can think of is "was I too pushy?".
scary. and I am very european, swedish, and he is australian, hopefully that is a good match.. :-)
I love assertive women. I am reserved man over 40 and still looking. You would only be considered too pushy if you dont listen or accept his opinion and try to push your agenda over his. If you both have the same life goals and respect each others views then no matter whos more outgoing you will get along in my opinion.
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