Lana

I met Lana many years ago, when The Suncoast Resort became one of my organization's clients. For those of you who don't know this, it's advertised as the world's biggest gay resort and it's located in St. Petersburg, a neighboring town.

Due to my attempt to keep my friends and clients confidential, I need to add that the resort is no longer a client of mine (and there's no way of knowing which organization I represented at the time). Additionally, Lana moved to another state some time ago.

Lana called the other night to chat. She knows I'm a quasi-retired counselor and she wanted some objective advice. I've decided to share her story because it has a great deal in common with so many relationships, whether they're gay or straight.

Lana was in a steady relationship for over 10 years, but as with so many relationships, eventually little was left but friendship. So she struck out again, in pursuit of the Ideal Mate. She met Kim online and they began a relationship which ended in Kim's moving to the same town so that they could see each other more regularly.

Kim is in her mid thirties. Although she seemed initially perfect (who doesn't, at the beginning?) Lana is seeing red flags everywhere. "Am I nuts?" she asked. "What do you think?"

Kim is not able to be self-supportive. Her cousin has provided her with the rent for the house she's currently living in. No one else in her family wants to have much to do with her. Her ex-girlfriend claims that Kim robbed her blind when she left. And Kim is prone to wild mood swings and great insecurities. When Lana takes her anywhere, Lana is left footing the bill. Kim never offers to pay. "It's like I'm the Rich Boyfriend," complained Lana. "Am I being taken advantage of?"

Since I wasn't in professional mode, I was able to offer my opinion. "Yes!" I said. "I think you are." I also pointed out that if there was theft involved in the former relationship, there is something ugly which lies beneath the surface. That, combined with the mood swings, made me wonder if drugs were involved. But even if there weren't drugs in the equation, we are left with a selfish, needy individual who may simply be after Lana as a substitute mom.

What struck me is how universal these problems are. I have a straight friend who is going through the same situation. She finally asked her Boy Toy to step out of her life, once it was apparent that this was all he was.

In a world where there are so many people willing to drain you dry and use you up, how can you evaluate which ones are safe? The answer is, use caution. Examine everything. Never hesitate to ask questions. And, if worse comes to worst, there are always private detectives. I wish that *I* had hired one during my last relationship. But, most important of all, follow your gut instinct. Too many of us are willing to ignore the little red flags until we can make a quilt out of them.